How many of us parents can feel and reflect on ourselves like this?
When I first saw this sentence, I couldn't help wondering. I have tried my best to pay for my children and consider myself a qualified mother, but in our relationship, there will inevitably be quarrels and helplessness. The attribution here is all on yourself, and this view is emotionally unacceptable.
But recently, after watching the life growth of Fan Deng and the children, I began to examine and reflect on myself. It turns out that I have always loved her in what I call the right way. But this love is a bit heavy, which makes children walk too hard on the road of growth.
As Fan Deng mentioned in his book, to love children, we should do these three things well: unconditionally love children, cultivate their sense of value, and accompany them to grow up with a lifelong growth mentality.
0 1 unconditional love
In family education, parents should first love their children unconditionally. But in reality, people always place too much hope on their children. Interestingly, we can accept ourselves as ordinary people, but we cannot let our children be ordinary people.
In order to make them outstanding, parents must arrange various extra-long classes and remedial classes to take turns. If they can get good grades, they are most proud of their parents. Pity those backward children, but they can't escape a reprimand or even a beating and scolding when they go home.
In order to encourage children to study hard, parents have racked their brains and tried their best, followed by various material rewards. If you can meet your parents' expectations, you can do everything your parents promise. However, the exam is a competition, and there is no general who always wins. If the child fails in the examination room, parents must cancel the reward as punishment.
In either case, children will never be truly happy. In the case of doing well in the exam, children's attention is attracted by material rewards, which naturally filters out the satisfaction of acquiring knowledge, and the pleasure brought by material often does not last long. Children feel lost and lonely when they don't do well in the exam, but their parents love their grades more than their helplessness.
However, Fan Deng told his son in the book that no matter what you do in the exam, dad will love you.
What I want to explain here is that there is a difference between unconditional love and doting. Spoiling is conniving at children's mistakes, ignoring them and letting them develop. Unconditional love means that parents guide and correct their children in time after they make mistakes.
In this way, there is no reason to love others, and conditional love will of course lose its meaning with the achievement of its purpose.
Cultivate a sense of value
Everyone is looking for two things in his life: one is a sense of belonging. Second, the sense of value. A sense of belonging is our inner foothold, and a sense of value determines how high a person can fly.
Children learn to love others and themselves on the way to find their own value. When he proves the meaning of his existence through hard work, his sense of value will be strongly highlighted, his self-esteem level will be improved, and then he will have a higher evaluation of himself. At this time, he will become more self-disciplined
Therefore, the cultivation of values is the second thing that parents should do for their children. With a sense of value, children will have responsibility and responsibility, and they will form an excellent character of honesty, kindness and fearlessness. And these are the necessary conditions for a person to stand on the society.
Since values are so important to a person, how should parents raise their children?
Fan Deng said, let go and let the children do what they can. In a relaxed environment, the child has absolute control over what he does, and the great trust of his parents makes him confident, and the quality and efficiency of doing things will be greatly improved.
The success of life is not only a sense of academic achievement, but also a perfection of character and life. And the sense of value is a powerful manifestation of these aspects. Therefore, the cultivation of values requires parents to start from their children and start from bit by bit.
03 lifelong growth mentality
Dr. Carol Dwek mentioned two modes of thinking in lifelong growth, fixed thinking and growth thinking. I used to be a fixed-minded person, thinking that people's ability is innate and will not change much the day after tomorrow.
This makes me often anxious after my child has problems. For example, if a child is introverted from an early age, I will worry about how she will be independent in the future. After entering junior high school, the child is the monitor, and he can complete the tasks assigned by the teacher well every time.
This greatly changed my way of thinking and looked at her growth with a developmental perspective. When she encountered setbacks and failures, I resolutely cheered for her and increased her confidence in accepting challenges.
I also read and write after my busy work. Show her a positive and optimistic attitude towards life. Gradually, I found that my child likes to speak freely with me and can confide her doubts and shortcomings to me sincerely. Together, we will find a more suitable way for her to overcome and break through.
I think the happiest thing in the world is watching a small sapling thrive under your care. Due to the lack of energy and knowledge, we may not be the most qualified parents, but we are willing to study and work with our children with an open and inclusive attitude.
summary
The German philosopher Jaspers once said a popular saying: The essence of education is that a tree shakes another tree, a cloud pushes another cloud, and one soul awakens another soul.
In real life, we have seen too many failed parent-child relationships. Parents either push too hard or let themselves go. What children really need is the third way of love, which is subtle and subtle, and it is a gentle and quiet wisdom enlightenment.
Therefore, parents also need to inspire their children to mobilize their inner strength, take the initiative to grow up, and spontaneously become an excellent person.