The "courage to be hated" is not to attract the negative energy of being hated, but, if this is the most beautiful glory in my life, I will go there with my own hands and feet even if there is the possibility of being hated. 」

"Because you have the courage to be hated, you have the possibility of real happiness. 」

Do you often get tired of boring life?

Are you always tired of complicated interpersonal relationships?

Do you think the meaning of life is getting blurred?

How to get real happiness with your own hands in complicated daily chores and complicated interpersonal relationships?

The answer to all this is in this book "the courage to be hated"!

★ Japan Amazon 20 14 annual sales champion, ranking first for 300 consecutive days!

★ Cai Kangyong, Zhang Defen, Chen Wenxi, Ceng Baoyi, courage to recommend!

★ Hang Cheng recommended Zhang Peichao, Hu and Motivation!

★ Adler's thoughts have the power to change a person's life. All that remains is the courage to take a step.

About the author:

Fumio Kishida

Philosopher. 1956 was born in Kyoto and now lives in Kyoto. In high school, I took philosophy as my ambition. After I entered the university, I went to the teacher's house to debate many times. The doctoral program in the Department of Literature Studies of Kyoto University Graduate School expired. From 1989, he devoted himself to the study of professional philosophy and Adler psychology. His main activities are writing and teaching Adler's psychology and ancient philosophy, and he also provides psychological counseling for many young people in mental hospitals. Consultant of Adler Psychological Society of Japan. Alfred translated it? Adler's lectures such as Personal Psychology and Why People Suffer from Neuropathy include Introduction to Adler's Psychology and many other works. This book is responsible for the original case.

Koga Shi Jian

Freelance writer. Born in 1973. He is good at dialogue creation (writing in question-and-answer genre) and has published many bestsellers in business or documentary literature. His interview manuscript with a strong sense of scene and rhythm was well received, and the cumulative sales volume of the interview collection 16-year-old textbook exceeded 700,000 copies. When I was nearly 30 years old, I met Adler's psychology and was shocked by his idea of subverting common sense. After that, I visited Zong Ichiro in Kyoto for several years and asked him the essence of Adler's psychology. In this book, he presents the content of "dialogue" in the classic way of Greek philosophy. Author of Notes on Articles I Want to Accept at the Age of 20.

Wonderful book review:

One:

1. It's not that the "world" itself is complicated, but that you see the world is complicated.

Thinking: This sentence seems to be especially addressed to sensitive and thoughtful people. Sometimes it's not that others don't like you, but that you care too much about the outside world. The universe is busy running on its own. Asteroids should not always stare at the universe. How to make yourself shine is the serious matter. We should focus on ourselves.

You can't feel happiness now, because you won't love yourself. Moreover, in order to love yourself, you want to "become someone else". You want to be someone else because you only focus on what is given. In fact, you should focus on "how to use what is given".

The reason why you can't change is because you have made up your mind not to change.

Even if people have all kinds of dissatisfaction, they still think it is easier and more secure to maintain the status quo.

The reason why you are unhappy is not because of the past or the environment, not to mention the lack of ability. You just lack "courage", which can be said to be "lack of courage to get happiness".

Thinking: Does it take courage to get happiness? Yes, you have to get up early if you want to see the sunrise, and you have to pay if you want to be happy. You can choose to stay in bed and go back to sleep, but you won't see the sunrise.

4. Why do you hate yourself? Why only stare at shortcomings and refuse to like yourself? That's because you are too afraid of being hated by others and getting hurt in interpersonal relationships.

Thinking: this sentence really stings. I can't accept my dark side because I'm afraid of not being loved. But no one is perfect. No matter how many shortcomings you have, people still love you, not to mention your advantages!

The inferiority complex that bothers us is not an objective fact, but a subjective explanation. For example, if your height is 155cm, you won't feel too short if there is no other comparable person. 155cm height can make others feel relaxed, so looking at your own height can also be an advantage.

6. A sound sense of inferiority does not come from comparison with others, but from comparison with "ideal self". We are different but equal.

7. I care more about how I do than what others think of me. "I don't want to be hated" is my topic, "Do you hate me" is someone else's topic.

8. The so-called self-acceptance means not paying attention to "unchangeable" but paying attention to "changeable". For example, even if you get 60 points, you don't have to be pessimistic. On the basis of honestly accepting your 60 points, we should think about "how to approach 100 points".

9. What happened in the past has nothing to do with your "this moment", and what will happen in the future is not a problem to be considered at this moment. If you were serious about living in this moment, you wouldn't say so at all.

10. You don't live to meet the expectations of others, and others don't live to meet your expectations.

1 1. A lifestyle that only cares about what others think is a self-centered lifestyle that only cares about me.

12. Instead of "what will this person give me", consider "what can I give this person".

Two:

Psychological trauma does not exist? !

For me who have studied psychology for many years, psychological trauma is the existence of assumptions in statistics. Because of the existence of various psychological trauma, there is a saying of cure and treatment.

When someone tells me his sorrow, I will unconsciously lead him back to the starting point of trauma formation. Especially when we are vulnerable, we are accidentally hurt. The wound in that place has been hurting until now. Over time, we have accumulated new wounds layer by layer.

Freud emphasized the trauma of the past, while Adler, as a rebel, completely overturned the trauma theory. "Any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We have not suffered from the stimulation of our own experience-the so-called psychological trauma. In fact, we will find factors that meet our goals from the experience. " All the meanings are given by ourselves. We can make it hurt or grow. The key is whether we have the courage to face our imperfect selves.

The past does affect us now. We can't erase the established facts, but we can write about the influence of the past on the present, because, in many cases, even the memory is not so reliable. Things have happened, but how we feel is up to us. Because we evaluate ourselves in different ways, the same thing has different effects on ourselves. For example, a boy said to a girl, "Oh, you eat so much!" "She is not fat, and he just thinks that the way she eats is cute, but girls may think that he is criticizing himself. From then on, every time she eats, she is careful and does not dare to eat more. This sentence, which was originally unintentional or even well-intentioned, has become an increasingly locked shackle for girls. If the past can't be changed, if we always focus on the pain of the past, then now is a hell of countless pains. If we firmly believe that people cannot be changed, then every tomorrow will bear countless yesterdays. How can you fly into a dream with such heavy wings?

Adler said you took the initiative to choose your own lifestyle.

Don't let your life become a rag soaked in sewage forever. People with a lot of narcissus mentality like to lick their wounds over and over again at night and show their sadness in a circle of friends. This is why chicken soup for the soul is popular. The titles of some best-selling books are similar in spirit, such as "Be good, touch your head", "Your loneliness, though defeated, is glorious", "Whose youth is not confused" and "May someone accompany you to drift from place to place", as if to say: "Oh, dear, I know you are confused, you are sad, you are helpless and you are displaced. Come to me, someone here understands you, I am with you! "

Although Adler totally denies the trauma theory, I think there is some truth. After all, life is not a discrete point that has nothing to do with each other. Memory is a trace of the past, both beautiful and sad. When the old man can't walk, it is a pleasure to sit in a rocking chair and recall the chaotic growth of youth.

I have a friend who spent two thirds of her life with ex, but we finally became the most familiar strangers. Sometimes before dawn or in the dead of night, she will write three or two sentences in a circle of friends, which are full of unforgettable memories that cannot be turned back, in order to be brave. She has a new lover, but every corner of the city, all anniversaries are related to another person. She is not unable to get out, but unwilling to get out, preferring to dwell on the past rather than face the present.

Sometimes, we feel that tragedy will increase the heaviness of life, but life is not a play for the audience. As long as you attract some eyeballs, earn some tears and sighs, you can make a glorious curtain call. So I also agree with Adler that if you gain real courage and stand up and take responsibility for yourself, everyone can change, the world can be simple and everyone can have happiness.

You have to believe that.

I regard this book as a novel, but it is just a novel with dialogue and no plot. I have also thought about the questions that young people ask philosophers, such as "Where do our troubles come from", "Why do I hate myself", "What is the freedom I want to pursue" and "How to deal with all kinds of interpersonal relationships". And I have felt sorry for my insignificant injury, shirked my responsibility and refused to change.

Adler's individual psychology has inspired me a lot. But when it comes to psychology, everyone is familiar with Freud and Maslow, but maybe not Adler. In fact, in the development of psychology, Adler can be said to be one of the key figures connecting the preceding with the following, and his thought is the bud of later humanistic thought. And his life is also a life of constantly defeating himself and pursuing Excellence. After studying psychology for so many years, I finally saw a book that introduced Adler's thoughts in such a popular and interesting way. Friends who love psychology may wish to have a look. Maybe the answer you are looking for is here.

Three:

Although this book is a derivative of Adler's philosophy, the feeling after reading it is more profound than reading Adler. Several examples in the book remind me of my childhood troubles.

I have done well in school since I was a child. In junior high school, I was the first in all subjects, and my parents were invited to the school to share their parenting experience. In my opinion, it is natural to strive for the upper reaches, and the primary task of students is not to study.

Then one time, I didn't do well in the physics midterm exam. At the end of the semester, the parent-teacher meeting was held, and the class teacher asked my parents to give me a cram school to prevent me from dragging my feet on a subject. I insisted on not following, because I was confident that the final exam results would not be bad, but the results had not been announced at that time. But my parents didn't believe me, and as a result, I was severely repaired. Two days later, the results were announced. I did get 99 points, but my parents insisted that I go to cram school. The reason is that they promised the class teacher. Anyway, my grades are unstable, so consolidate it.

This matter has a great influence on me. Since then, I have doubts about why I want to study and why I want to be the first in the exam. I seldom questioned my parents' arrangement before, but now I am full of anxiety. My parents' face can't be refused. Is my academic record just their show-off capital? Do they have a clever daughter or do they teach well? Just thinking about it turns my stomach.

So, after reading the conversation between the young man and the philosopher, I talked about whether I should act according to my parents' intentions and not want to inherit the family business and be scolded by my parents. I remembered my own experience and began to think about my son's education in the future-what am I studying for? What is the son going to study for in the future? What's my attitude towards his study?

The first question, which I have asked myself many times over the years, basically comes to the conclusion that in order to enrich myself, I should apply what I have learned. In fact, I have never stopped studying since I graduated for so many years. From learning languages to musical instruments, from literature to management, from scientific knowledge to life skills, learning is everywhere. It's just that I don't study for diplomas or certificates, and I don't need other people's recognition and expectation. It is purely self-cultivation. Unexpectedly, this view is consistent with the main idea of this book.

The second question, of course, I also hope my son's learning purpose is the same as mine. Educational books also mention that it is important to stimulate children's interest in learning, not to force them to learn. However, he still has to go through compulsory education and higher education. Inevitably, he has to get in touch with the current education system and face the competitive pressure. It is not clear whether this process can make him happy and make him interested in exploration. Only in family education can he set an example as much as possible and let him feel the joy of learning.

The third question, before reading this book, I am confident that I should be able to accompany and guide him with my previous parenting knowledge. Even if he has problems in a certain course, I am fully capable of being a general tutor. In Adler's philosophy, any problems of children are children's subjects, not parents'. In other words, parents have no right to ask their children to do things according to their parents' ideas on the grounds that it is for your own good. No matter how old children are, they have the right to choose their own lives, and parents should not interfere at will. This is simply subverting common sense.

Children are not dependent on their parents. They also have independent personalities. Sooner or later, they will live independently and make their own decisions. It is impossible to be in the shadow of parents forever. However, from the standpoint of parents, it is difficult to fully trust the child's judgment, and I hope to use my own life experience to make children less detours and less setbacks.

Adler advocates the value of equality for all. Adults and children are different in cognition and ability, but no one should be condescending by virtue of their sense of superiority. Parents or psychological counselors can only make comments, and whether to make changes is a matter for the parties concerned. This is the same as taking a horse to the river without forcing it to drink water.

Looking back on my childhood or adolescence, the reason why I am eager to be an adult and live independently from my parents is largely because my parents interfere too much and have no decision on most things. Although it is still on the right track, it is not the life I want. Adler said that happiness is based on freedom, and "being good to me" is not the happiest choice. Parents are pressing hard, which may only make children want to escape.

Many parents tell their children that you will understand our pains when you grow up. If so, I should try to avoid using this excuse to control my children's lives. Because what I value most is the child's happiness, that he can get a sense of belonging in the family, that he can communicate with me actively when he encounters problems, rather than hoping that he is great. Why not let him enjoy freedom and happiness earlier?

Of course, under Adler's education, parents are not inaction. It is the responsibility of parents to create good learning conditions and learning atmosphere for their children. As for whether his choice is as I wish, I can't force it. It will be easier and happier for him and me to let go of his insistence. Whether he can make a better choice is unknown.

Four:

Philosophy is very similar to chicken soup, whether it is chicken soup or poisoned chicken soup. This is an illusion that many people have when they don't realize what a real philosophy of life is. In fact, this is not the case, so when I wrote the sentence "If I have the courage to be hated, I will be relieved of more than half", I still have a lingering fear in my heart.

Because philosophy, or more precisely, philosophy of life, is still a seemingly "empty" thing for too many people, people pay more attention to those majors and knowledge that can directly collect money, so that you can listen in the cold wind. It is unrealistic to say that real happiness in life comes from learning to be satisfied. But it is undeniable that too many troubles in our life are caused by our inability to have a little philosophical thinking.

When you have enough economic wealth, this is not the time to look at these so-called "philosophies". When is "enough" enough? But too many people can't realize their dream of getting rich all their lives, so I still think it's necessary to understand philosophy, and it's never too late to start at any time and any age.

With wealth within your own standards and some philosophical attitudes, you may be happier than most people; But even if you don't have enough wealth, reading philosophy will bring you some insight and openness to life and make you happy.

What I want to talk about today is a topic close to happiness-the courage to be hated.

As an important theme in Adler's philosophy class, Courage of Hate was well received by many people when it was first published. It touched on the problems that people living in groups face every day, interpersonal relationships. Like and hate, as a pair of diametrically opposite interpersonal attitudes in interpersonal relationships, always give people a feeling that "several families are happy and several are sad".

You can't like it for a long time, and it is inevitable to hate it. So the trouble of interpersonal relationship naturally arises. Imagine, how many actions in your life are not to win the favor of others? Imagine, will you do something you don't want to do because you need to leave some good impression on others or maintain others' good comments on you? Do you always feel inferior because your looks are not so good-looking, and are you worried about hearing some gossip about you?

Think about it carefully, do you realize that life is too tired because you don't have the courage to be hated?

It's normal not to be liked or appreciated. In the celebrity circle, Jiang Yang doesn't like Zhang Ailing, and the scandal about her was heard from his niece. Jiang Yang's love letter to Zhong Shuhe mentioned that "Liu gave me a book" Fanshu "the day before yesterday, and the preface is your big book. I am busy reading it carefully. I think you all take Zhang Ailing too seriously, and I am biased against her. My niece and Zhang Tong go to St Mary's Girls' School. To be fair, she writes very well. But the artistic conception is humble. "

Similarly, Qian Zhongshu is not optimistic about Lin. Later generations thought that Mrs. Li in the novel Cat was alluding to Lin. Even so, their reputation, talent and status remain unshakable. Even if celebrities in the celebrity circle don't like it, it doesn't hinder the excitement of Zhang Helin and live high.

Having the courage to be hated does not mean that you should deliberately attract the negative energy to be hated. You should allow yourself to look sloppy, behave lazily, complain too much about yourself and so on. The premise that people used to hate is that you will also try to shine your brilliance, which has nothing to do with yourself in the eyes of others.

You can be equally willing to be a helpful person, but don't worry about what you can't do, what time doesn't allow, and what you can't do, no matter how well others evaluate you. You can also be a beauty lover and pay attention to your appearance, which is a way to make yourself feel beautiful, but when others don't appreciate your beauty, you won't doubt yourself and give up on yourself.

You need to always see your own value, not live for the evaluation of others. You may see that in the era of fan economy, many well-known online celebrities can get a lot of wealth by being liked. As you may know, as the saying goes, "Friends go many ways", and friends are acquired largely because they like them. And having the courage to be hated doesn't mean that you will really pay for it.

Those so-called costs are nothing more than losing the love of those who don't like the real you, having the courage to be hated, and the way live high likes it. Not only will life be brighter, but you will also attract people like you and leave those who still like you after seeing the real you. You know, anyone deserves to be liked and loved, no matter what kind of person you are

The fact still exists objectively. Although the evaluation of others is also an objective existence, it is only out of the subjective world of others. Everyone lives in his own subjective world. We can't control everything objectively, but we can change our attitude towards the subjective world.

We have no obligation to meet anyone's expectations. The most important thing to do in life is to be the best and live high. As for what is beautiful or not, let others say it and let the wind go.

Read the courage of hate, and then return to life to feel and experience, you can grow more.

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