Behind children's problem behaviors, attachment is mostly wrong.

Why do you say that? take for example

At 8 o'clock in the evening, 12-year-old Mingming is still video chatting with her classmates, gossiping about her teacher for a while and gossiping about her classmates for a while. He laughed his head off with his mobile phone, but his exercise book was blank.

His mother reminded him again and again, but he didn't seem to hear. After several times, his mother reminded him again and shouted, "Leave me alone!" " "

Mother suppressed her anger and tried to communicate with Mingming. Before she could speak, she heard Mingming shouting, "You don't know anything!" Then he slammed the door.

How would you feel if you were Mingming's mother? I think it must be very chilling and powerless!

Yes, we try our best to give our child everything, but why does he still have problems such as procrastination, rebellion and lying?

Why, he can talk with his classmates in full swing, but he has to confront his parents?

In fact, the sentence "You don't know anything!" Is the answer.

Behind this sentence, what the child wants to say is: "You can't see me at all, and you don't know me. Why do you care about me? "

So, you see, what needs to be solved more than a specific problem of children is your relationship.

You may ask, why should I change relationships if the child has problems?

The answer is in my book. Every child needs to be seen today.

The authors of this book are Gordon nuefeld and Gabriel martel.

Dr Gordon is a famous child development psychologist in Canada and an authoritative expert in the field of international child development. He has been engaged in the study of children's common behaviors for more than 40 years.

What is this concept? Think about ourselves, except for the study time of children, the effective time for us to really accompany him may not be one day 1 hour.

Dr Gordon has studied the behavior and psychology of countless children for 40 years. It can be said that he knows children better than his parents.

Next, I will interpret the essence of the book "Every Child Needs to be Seen" for you, and start with the attachment relationship to help you understand the problem behavior of children The Secret Behind and find effective solutions.

The so-called attachment relationship is the special emotional relationship between children and caregivers, and the mother-child relationship is the core of attachment relationship.

You will learn about the four effects of attachment deficiency, the nature of attachment relationship, and the ways to improve attachment relationship.

First, the four influences of bad attachment.

All parent-child conflicts stem from the fact that children can't feel the love of their parents and their inner needs can't be answered.

After hearing this sentence, you may ask, "Is bad attachment really that serious?" Yes, and the reality is more serious than I said.

Why am I so sure? Then the first thing to say is the four common effects of bad attachment, namely, rebellious psychology, aggression, bullying and sexual problems.

Let's talk about rebellious psychology first.

Rebellion is too common. Let's talk about children. You let him sleep, but he insisted on reading. You asked him to read, but he insisted on sleeping.

In short, you think he is challenging you, which will certainly make you upset and bored.

A mother told me that her daughter is a typical rebellious child.

In order to get closer to her daughter, on her birthday, she bought her daughter a favorite skirt, thinking that mother and daughter were too close.

But what she didn't expect was that her daughter was clamoring to sleep with her grandmother before the meal was finished.

The mother forced it to stop, but the daughter kept crying. She finally threatened her daughter and said, "If you want to go to grandma's house today, I will cut your skirt."

It lasted until the evening 10, and the child was still screaming. She said to her mother, "mom, why don't you cut it?" I still want to find my grandmother. "

God, try to feel the mother's mood! The child would rather give up his beloved skirt than be with his mother.

Yes, mother is almost crazy. She pushed her daughter out of the door in tears and her skirt was thrown out.

What makes her even more depressed is that the 6-year-old child really walks to her grandmother's house while crying. In this way, she and her daughter cried all night for a good birthday.

My mother cried her eyes out when she described it to me. In her view, this is a kind of failure and betrayal.

But what I want to say is that behind the surface betrayal is conflict.

What do you mean? Take this case as an example. What we really see is that children reject their mothers and don't understand their pains.

But in fact, this is because children are frustrated in attachment relationships.

When a child is frustrated in attachment, he will regard his parents' expectations as pressure, his obedience as compromise, and his parents' guidance as pity.

Think about it. Ignoring parents' expectations, not listening to their suggestions and ignoring their good intentions, isn't this what we call treason?

In order to make you more clear, I want to talk about this girl's attachment experience.

Because her parents are very busy at work, the girl has been living with her grandmother. When she was 3 years old, her mother gave birth to a second child. Of course, she can't ignore it. Moreover, she became the "sensible boss" in the eyes of her family.

The child said to his mother more than once, "Why can my sister live with you?"

Even the mother changed her sister's diaper, and the girl cried that her mother was eccentric.

Of course, the child saw all these behaviors, but her words were ignored. Therefore, everyone thinks that children are rebellious and ignorant, and they compare with their sisters everywhere.

Now think about it, are you very sympathetic to children? Well, how much she rejects her mother, how much maternal love she wants but can't get.

Therefore, as parents, we must tell ourselves that treason is only a phenomenon, and there is unsatisfied love behind it.

Let's talk about the second influence: aggression.

Speaking of aggression, let's look at a situation first. Some children will touch others when they want to play with another child.

Like hitting people with your head, or pulling other people's hair and clothes.

As a result, it is conceivable that they not only didn't play together, but also fought.

Then the question is, why attack others when you obviously want to be close?

Because love and aggression are similar, they are both instinctive life dynamics. When a person falls in love with difficulties, he will choose another expression, that is, attack.

About what makes a person choose to attack? Dr Gordon said it was a setback in love.

There is an example in the book. In front of the mirror, 9-year-old Helen angrily picked up scissors and cut off her hair.

Mom doesn't understand and wants to ask Helen what's going on. Helen shouted at her mother with scissors.

You see, the child didn't say anything specific, but cutting off her hair and shouting is her aggressive performance.

What made Helen like this?

During that time, her parents quarreled all day and once got divorced. Before Helen lost her hair, her parents didn't care about her at all.

This is the influence of lack of attachment on children's aggressive behavior. He may not tell you explicitly, "I need you to care about me."

But he will show it with some extreme behaviors, which may be attacking himself or others.

To sum up, love and aggression seem to be two extremes, but they are both life forces in essence. When a person is frustrated in love, it is easy to choose to attack.

However, because the child's mind is not yet mature and he relies more on his parents, frustration in attachment will encourage his aggressive behavior.

Let's talk about the third influence: bullying.

A few years ago, I watched a TV program about school bullying, and I had two children.

One child's parents sell mala Tang, so we call him Hehe, and another child's parents collect junk, so we call him Sheng Sheng.

Hehe, good at studying, introverted, poor in academic performance in promotion and bad in temper.

Once, the class teacher asked Hehe to go to the Internet cafe and let him go back to school.

For such a thing, Sheng Sheng felt that Hehe had betrayed him, so he beat up Hehe with several classmates after school.

Hehe, when I got home, I kept covering my stomach and said I wanted to sleep. Busy parents didn't ask much, but the child never woke up.

To tell the truth, it's really a pity that such a thing happened, and it really hurts.

Calm down, we can't help but ask, hehe, why don't you tell your parents that you were beaten? Sheng sheng, why don't you listen and explain?

This will return to today's topic-attachment.

Because their parents are busy making money, the two children have not got enough attachment in the parent-child relationship.

The difference is that Hehe has become very sensible, only reporting good news but not worrying, while the promotion has become inferior and extreme.

So the injured hehe chose to bear it himself and was promoted. Because he was called back from the Internet cafe by the class teacher, he was ashamed and unhappy, and he would think it was a disaster caused by Hehe.

Even in his opinion, Hehe betrayed him, betrayed him, so he used a big fight to relieve his inner discomfort.

The New York Times has done relevant research:

"If teenagers leave their mothers for more than 30 hours a week, they have a 17% chance to become bullies and troublemakers.

In contrast, children who leave their parents for no more than 10 hours a week are only 6% likely to have this situation. "

It can be said that bullying is essentially the result of lack of attachment.

Because of the lack of attachment experience, children don't know how to interact and communicate with others. Children don't have such a mature mind, and it is easy to find and prove their sense of existence in the struggle.

Therefore, children who lack attachment are more likely to become bullies and bullied.

Finally, talk about the fourth influence: sex.

There is such a child in the book who is rejected by his classmates because he is fat.

Suddenly one day, her classmates urged her to have sex with a male classmate. She doesn't like that boy at all, but she still wants to say yes.

Because she thinks that with so many people watching, she will lose face if she doesn't do it, and she is also worried that if she doesn't do it, other classmates will ignore her.

Fortunately, the child told these troubles to the counselor, and the unfortunate scene did not happen.

Now I want to invite you to think of yourself as this child. Think about it. If there is no psychological counselor, who will you turn to for help? Parents, right?

That's right. Let's continue to assume that your parents are very traditional people. If you tell them, you may be reprimanded. Can you say it? I don't think you will.

You see, a trustworthy relationship will be the bottom line for children to protect themselves. On the contrary, without a reliable attachment, he will do whatever his peers encourage him to do, even if it is dangerous.

Having said that, I want to add some psychological content.

As we all know, attachment is accumulated from the physical contact between the child and the mother. Then think about it. If the attachment is lost, what can best replace it?

To tell the truth, it is sex, because it is the most intimate of all physical contacts.

Therefore, if a child has puppy love or sex-related problems, don't rush to judge him.

But try to see what sex has brought him. Only in this way can we help him in a trusting relationship.

Ok, this is the first important content. The four influences of bad attachment are rebellion, aggression, bullying and sexual problems.

You know, these seemingly headaches for parents are essentially derivatives of lack of attachment.

Then you may ask, what if the attachment relationship is really bad and the child has such a problem?

Don't worry, I'll tell you the next two points. Look at the second point first: the relationship is more important than the problem.

I say this because many parents are busy helping their children solve problems, but they ignore the relationship.

Psychologist Siegel said: "If there is no unbreakable relationship between parents and children, nothing will succeed."

That's true. I have a visitor from grade two. My mother and my daughter came to me for advice because of a quarrel.

When the child said this, her good friend told her a secret, but in a few days, many students were spreading the secret, and she was afraid that her classmates would think it was her.

The child told his mother about this little trouble. Guess how her mother responded?

Mom said, "What? Why do you care so much about what others think? " "Have you always been like this?"

Before the words were finished, the child turned and closed the door, and a fierce quarrel happened.

You may find it puzzling. What happened? Do you need advice for all this noise?

Yes, in the eyes of children, she just can't accept such a mother. In her mother's opinion, she can't stand her daughter's smelly attitude.

Regardless of who is right and who is wrong. Let's listen to the girl's voice first. She sent a message to her mother: "Mom, if a person tells you that you are injured, you should dress her first, and never ask why."

Are you also moved by this message? I am very touched.

The girl told her mother about her little troubles, not because she wanted to listen to her mother's analysis, but because she listened and accompanied her.

In fact, most children are like this. What he needs most is the understanding, acceptance and seeing of his parents. He doesn't need your method at all.

Therefore, psychoanalysis has always emphasized: "Relationship is everything, and everything is for relationship."

After talking about the importance of relationships, I want to talk to you about "education". In fact, the most important thing in education is not skills, but rights.

Don't think too much. I'm not saying that parents have no right to discipline their children. What I said is that children can agree with your right to educate them.

To put it bluntly, if the child feels that you are not qualified to take care of him, no matter what skills you use, he will not listen.

There is such a news that children have been living with their grandparents and their parents have been working outside all the year round. Seeing that children don't wash their hands when eating and talk impolitely, their father will educate her.

Guess what the child will say? She said, "You don't care about me, just leave after dinner!"

You see, this is the loss of disciplinary power. In fact, it is not that the child is rebellious, but that she has too little time to rely on her parents.

Therefore, there is a good saying: "Children's dependence on their parents is the source of parenting authority, and it is also the only way for parents to regain parenting authority."

Let me give you another example. Listen, this is an example from Freud, the originator of psychology.

A three-year-old boy shouted in a dark room, "Aunt, talk to me. I'm scared. It's too dark here. "

Aunt replied, "What's the use of that? You can't see me. " The boy said, "It doesn't matter, if someone talks, they will take light."

Did you get a look at him? This is the difference between us and children. All he wants is to be seen, but we are always busy thinking.

Think about how to educate his skills and whether his language is illogical.

Anyway, today, I want you to remember this sentence: once parents regard raising children as a skill to learn, it is difficult to look at the problem from the perspective of relationship with children.

Therefore, don't blindly interpret children with adult thinking, but try to listen to what he has to say to you from the perspective of children.

Then, give him love from the perspective of a father or mother.

This is the second point. Relationships are more important than problems.

You know attachment is the foundation of all relationships. I also know that it is not skills that affect the effect of education, but the right to discipline.

Through the first two points, you know the four effects of insufficient attachment, and you also know that attachment is more important than problems.

Then came the "how to do it" part, which is the third key point: how to improve the attachment relationship?

I will share with you two contents, one is the four skills of approaching children, and the other is the seven principles of effective discipline.

First, let's look at four tips for getting close to children.

These four skills are to find ways to attract children's attention, give them something to grasp, love unconditionally, and set their direction.

Say 1 first, and try to attract children's attention.

When it comes to attracting children's attention, it doesn't mean that you should try your best to attract children's attention, but that children should be willing to talk to you first.

Take Internet addiction as an example. The most important step must not be to help him quit internet addiction, but to make his children willing to listen to you first.

What do many parents do in real life? Speaking of games, it's almost an in-situ explosion. It's wrong to say that games are not fun, right?

I have to remind you that if you regard games as natural enemies, children will definitely not listen to you.

Think about it. In the face of something you like very much, if someone told you "this is the worst thing in the world", would you still listen to him?

Therefore, before solving the problem, say something that the child likes to listen to, or use his favorite way, such as using fun interactive games.

In a word, he must feel that communicating with you is pleasant, not painful.

Let's talk about the second skill, grabbing things for children.

What is something that can be caught?

Take a baby for example. To let him know that you exist, you will put a finger in his palm or pinch his face and shoulders.

Once the baby feels your presence, he will babble with you, just like dancing. He received your invitation, that is to say, attachment has been established.

But as the child grows up, it is easy for us to ignore this step and take it for granted that he has grown up and knows everything.

Therefore, to speak is to blame and to question. If he doesn't react, we'll raise our voices. What's the effect? The more we talk, the less children listen, right?

In fact, it's not the child's fault, it's that he lacks something to grasp, just like the fingers we handed him when he was a baby.

So how do you pass this finger? It's actually quite simple. When communicating with children, try to increase some positive physical contact and facial expressions.

Even if he didn't hear you clearly, believe me, he can feel your closeness.

Psychologically, these behaviors will increase unconscious interaction. What is unconscious interaction? It is daydreaming and ideal.

The third skill is unconditional love.

The so-called unconditional love is not only to praise the child for doing well, but also to accompany him and encourage him when he makes mistakes and encounters difficulties.

Otherwise, children will think that your love is conditional. As he grows up, he will naturally stay away from you and his attachment will be greatly reduced.

Therefore, use rewards and punishments as little as possible and listen to children's voices.

The fourth skill is to give the child a direction.

This is very simple. Let's take the emotions that everyone has as an example.

Some children like crying very much. They cry when they encounter problems, cry when they lose the game, and cry when they want something unsatisfied, which is the kind of children who cry easily.

So how to determine the direction for such a child?

It's simple. You can name your child's emotions, just like saying, "Baby, are you sad now?"

Don't underestimate this emotional naming, it will make children feel: "I was seen."

Next, you will have a chance to solve the problem with him.

At this point, all four skills have been completed. Did you find out? These four skills have one core thing-

That is to see the children before solving things, which is also the most important content of our book.

After talking about the four skills of getting close to children, let's talk about the seven rules of effective discipline. They are:

(1) contact method instead of separation method.

② Relationships are more important than problems.

Allow and encourage children to cry.

④ A child's positive will is more important than his behavior.

⑤ Give children the opportunity to experience emotions.

6. Positive guidance, don't make a wrong demonstration.

⑦ Pay attention to the children's surroundings. Here, I must remind you that you can copy these seven rules on paper and stick them in a conspicuous place, because they are very important.

Because of the time, I won't introduce these seven rules one by one. Let's choose the three most inspiring ones to focus on.

The first thing we should say is to use the connection method instead of the separation method.

What do you mean? Just don't push the child away when he has problem behavior.

For example, locking him in a dark room or keeping him in a corner is not the best choice.

It is undeniable that children will apologize to you and promise you after such calmness.

But dear, such forced cooling will hurt your feelings. So, the more questions you have, the more you will be with him.

? The second point we want to say is that a child's positive will is more important than his behavior.

As a parent, you have enough ways to control your children quickly, but try not to do so unless it involves principles.

You need to throw away "what do you want" and "what must you do?" "What did I tell you?" Wait for something like that, and replace it with: "I believe what will happen to you?" "Do you want to try?" "Do you want this or that?"

The third thing to talk about is positive guidance, not wrong demonstration.

This is very interesting. Let me give you an example. A mother thinks her son is too noisy. She shouted, "Keep your voice down!" "

Guess what the child said? He said, "aren't you talking loudly, too?"

Therefore, be sure to tell your child clearly what to do. If you don't allow him to do this, then you shouldn't do it either.

The above is the third key point, the way to improve the attachment relationship. We talked about four skills of approaching children and seven rules of effective discipline.

It looks like a lot of content, but in fact they have one thing in common, that is, it is more important to look after children than to solve problems.

Well, here, you know that all the essence of every child needs to be seen.

We shared three main points:

First, we say that rebellious psychology, aggression, bullying and sexual problems are all caused by lack of attachment.

Second, you know that relationships are more important than problems.

In parenting education, attachment is the foundation of everything, and the best way to raise children is not to have skills, but to have the right to discipline.

Third, when we talk about ways to improve attachment, you know four skills of approaching children and seven rules of effective discipline.

Before the end of the interpretation, I invite you to close your eyes and imagine that your child said these two words in front of you:

"Mom always told me that mom and dad love me the most, but I never understood what love is. Dad always told me that my parents love me the most, but I always don't understand, what is love? "

Yes, you may have heard of it. This is a children's song, and it is also the status quo of most parent-child relationships: many parents are in the name of love, but children don't feel it. It's really a pity.

A five-year-old child once said, "You won't let me do anything. Why do you still say you love me? "

You see, we are willing to pay a lot of extra-curricular classes for him. We want to give him the best, but we often ignore his most important feelings.

It must be said that the conflict between parents and children is mostly because parents can't see the inner needs of children at all, and children can't understand their parents' intentions.

The skills that can be used can be said to be endless, but as parents, what children want most is to see, like and accept.

Finally, I have a little suggestion. Let's repeat the words of psychologist Julius Siegel: "If there is no unbreakable bond of love between parents and children, nothing will succeed."