1 Shame, but I don't want to say it.
Shame is the most secret and difficult thing to vent in our hearts. Generally speaking, when we feel ashamed, we choose to hide, rather than try to solve it. If you tell your child not to cut the apple with a knife, you will get hurt. But the child is really hurt by curiosity. Then you are distressed and angry: I told you not to take the knife, but you didn't listen, so you didn't listen. It's bleeding! What is the child's mood at this time? Feel ashamed! "I want to try what others forbid me to do and try to prove that I can do it myself. What others said is wrong, and as a result, I have a face! " This feeling is called shame! If he is injured with a knife again next time, as long as you don't grab the bag yourself, he will definitely choose to hide or lie.
Afraid of being punished, but afraid to say.
If the parents are very strict and the punishment is too severe, the children will certainly not do anything wrong and will not be willing to admit it. Criticism, punishment, and preaching can't stop children from making mistakes, but only make them dare not say it! Don't want to talk! Russell said: Children's dishonesty is almost always the result of fear. The more children lie, the less secure they feel. When children feel that telling the truth will bring them danger or a bad experience, it is difficult for them to have the courage to tell the truth, because they know that what awaits them after admitting their mistakes is not comfort and help, but scolding and punishment. Since you finally admitted that you were trained in batches, why did you admit it? We can't ask the child to be honest, because it is not authentic to punish him if he is honest.
Afraid of trouble, but don't want to talk about it.
If you are a father/mother who likes preaching, children may choose not to tell the truth in order to avoid your nagging. It is no problem to reason before the child understands a certain truth; It doesn't matter if you understand it and repeat it occasionally; But if you keep reasoning repeatedly, it becomes preaching, which in itself is a kind of harm. In fact, ignoring each other's feelings and exporting their own opinions is itself unequal communication. Psychologist Piaget said: Children can only see the world from their own perspective. It is impossible for him to "learn a truth and do the right thing". Therefore, too many great truths will only make children feel trouble and won't tell you next time. Children think that lying can save a lot of trouble and achieve their goals better.
What should parents do?
1, guide children to describe objective facts.
When a child makes a mistake, he will be in a state of high pressure and tension. Maybe you feel that you don't criticize and accuse, but the tone of our voice will also increase the pressure on children. On the other hand, if we directly go beyond the link of determining responsibility and focus on solving problems, we will only describe the objective facts we see and tell you the solution you expect, and children with difficulties will be happy to do something to change this topic. Most childhood mistakes are actually not mistakes, but problems that can be corrected and answered. Since there is a solution, we should focus on solving the problem instead of investigating the responsibility. When no one will blame him for his mistakes and the atmosphere is not so embarrassing and tense, children don't have to lie to achieve their goals. After all, it's hard to lie.
Give children a chance to tell the truth.
Be a more talkative and listening parent, and don't block the child's heart from telling the truth with blame or anxiety.
Will say: when the child doesn't want to talk, please accept his emotions first and understand his fear of talking: "Were you scared when the cup fell?" To eliminate children's nervousness, the problem can be cut in. Then, guide the child to tell the truth: "Can you tell me what happened?" Only ask, no accountability.
Will listen: when the child is willing to talk, please shut up and listen carefully no matter how anxious, so that the child knows that "even if I am wrong, as long as I give a reason, my parents are willing to listen." Moreover, when the child tells the truth, he must be encouraged in time: "Thank you for trusting his mother. It is also great to take the initiative to admit mistakes. " If telling the truth no longer makes people feel fear and pressure, children will not lie.
3. Let children know that doing wrong is forgivable.
It is very important to let children know in education that "mistakes can be forgiven" When a child does something wrong, he will be very scared and panicked. He may be waiting for punishment in fear, or he may fight back strongly to avoid being accused, or he may make excuses to prove that he is not wrong. You don't know how warm it is to hear "it doesn't matter" in this panic and anxiety, and how moved it is to become "it doesn't matter, you are already fine". Being forgiven is a very good feeling. Even if some of the child's shortcomings cannot be changed. Don't try to kidnap children, kidnap yourself and damage the parent-child relationship by raising perfect children. Any education should not be at the expense of parent-child relationship, and raising children must be to love first and then educate. Only when a child feels the deep love of his parents can his behavior have the motivation to change and develop better quality.