Many parents have a headache: when children are asked to stop what they are doing and do what they have to do, such as playing with toys, watching TV, doing homework and sleeping, they will ignore what we say and make us repeat, nag, threaten or even growl, which often has no effect. In fact, it is this easy-to-understand and natural reaction that leads to children's neglect and disobedience to their parents.
Today, I want to introduce Noel, a senior British education expert. Janice Norton's "never say it again" method teaches us that while maintaining friendship, respect and peace, children can easily transition from one thing to another and develop good cooperative habits.
Things you must know before implementing "never say it again"
"Never say it again" is a simple and effective "six-step method", so that children will cooperate with you without complaint as long as you give the order in 90% of cases, which can help children develop the important habit of "cooperation" more effectively.
A few things you must know before carrying out "Never Say Again":
Why not repeat instructions?
When children are indifferent to our words, you are likely to repeat your instructions louder and more impatiently. These repetitions and reminders convey the message to the child that he doesn't need you to act according to your mouth. When you say it for the first time, they will turn a deaf ear to you because they know you will repeat it over and over again. Only when we hear the familiar sharp hysteria in our voices will children feel that they have to be careful.
When is this method applicable?
Children's behavior is divided into initial behavior (children are not naughty, but need to do another thing next); And stop acting (the child has done something wrong or annoying and you want him to stop). This method is suitable for starting behavior, but not for ending behavior.
When can't it be used?
If the child is sitting in front of the TV, ipad and other display screens. In this case, first you have to find a way to turn off all electronic equipment; When time is tight and you need to go out at once. Once this method is activated, make sure there is enough time to stick to all six steps.
How old can I use it?
This method can be used when children are about 3 years old, because most children are mature enough at this time to understand what you ask them to do and concentrate long enough to follow simple instructions.
Six steps that never have to be said twice.
These six steps seem cumbersome at first, but as you practice more, there will be fewer and fewer steps, because children will cooperate more and more quickly. Usually, only the first three steps are for children to cooperate with their parents.
Step 1: Stop what you are doing, go to your child and stand and watch him.
Are you alone in the kitchen, calling the children to do their homework or come to dinner from the kitchen window? You are in one room, but you ask the children in the other room a question?
When children can't see us, it is easy to ignore us. If we don't stop what we are doing, and then go to our children and watch them, of course, our children won't take what we say seriously. We should stand in front of the children, look at them and make them feel that we are serious and determined, so as to show "this is very important".
Step 2: Wait until your child stops what he is doing and looks at you.
You must make sure that your children are willing to listen to you. This step is to keep your child focused on what you have to say.
It is common for children to concentrate on drawing and writing cards, but we are talking at this moment. Children may not listen at all, or soon forget what you said. If you are willing to stand for a while, you will find that the attitude of children has changed a lot when they start to look at you.
When the child stops what he is doing and looks at you, he can show his interest in what he is doing in a friendly way and find something to "describe" him, which will prompt him to come back and make eye contact with you. Paying attention to him from a positive perspective will make him more willing to please you, more obedient and more cooperative.
Be careful not to call your child's name to make him pay attention to himself, because parents usually call his name when they want him to do something or forbid him to do something, so the child will try to turn a deaf ear to his parents' call and can't let him concentrate completely at once.
The first and second steps can make us concentrate on how to express this request and how to be peaceful, kind and polite. Since we want children to learn manners, we should set an example.
Step 3: Tell your child the requirements. Simple language, clear meaning, only once.
Once the request is clearly expressed (not too long, lest the child become restless), don't repeat it. If you repeat this request, you will send this message to your children-you don't have to listen to it the first time, and you may not even listen to it the fourth time!
Children are very focused on what they are doing, especially when they transition from what they like to what doesn't appeal to them. At this time, you can relieve the pain caused by this transition by "counting down". This method can not only save you time, but also save you trouble and anxiety.
For impatient and stubborn children, count down every three minutes, then every two minutes and then every minute. Every time, your child will hear what he is going to do next, and his brain will automatically generate an image of the next thing. Even before he realized it, his brain was used to this change. When you say "time is up", or when the timer rings, no matter what you ask, children are used to doing what you just asked.
Through the first three steps, most children will cooperate most of the time. If they still don't cooperate, there are three steps below to eliminate children's resistance.
Step 4: Let the child repeat the request to you and let him speak it accurately and completely in his own words.
When a child tells you what he should do, his brain will automatically produce a clear and vivid picture. He is doing it in the painting. Children have a sense of ownership when they hear what they want to do in their hearts. He will take this request more seriously than you say.
Don't let children just parrot, because they can repeat without really realizing what they are going to do. If the child tells you exactly what he must do, when and how in his own language, then there is no doubt that he heard what you said and understood your requirements. This will greatly reduce children's excuses.
Occasionally, in some cases, children are still disobedient after the fourth step, and parents will use the fifth step.
Step 5: Stand and wait for him. If the child has not started to do what you ask him to do after the fourth step, he is willing to stand and wait.
Waiting is a very effective way; Waiting shows that you are serious. Think of the time you stand waiting for your child's response as an investment that will soon bring about a "more peaceful, relaxed and happy" family life.
In order to reduce the pressure of waiting, pay attention to start all your daily affairs early, so that you can make time for the "six-step method" without feeling that you are always in a hurry. In a few cases, the children still don't cooperate after the fifth step, so we have to use the last step.
Step 6: While you are standing and waiting, descriptively praise every small step your child has taken in the right direction, no matter how insignificant this small progress is, and "reflect" on his feelings.
Give your child a little more "descriptive praise" every day, and the child will actively cooperate with his parents and show his best side. You can even "describe" your child's good behavior in the past.
Reflective listening shows that you know that your child doesn't want to stop what he is doing and do the next thing. Don't argue with children, don't reason or preach with children, it's usually useless! Don't worry that this will mislead the child and make him think that he can disobey your orders.
To maximize the effect, you can use both "descriptive praise" and "reflective listening". When you stand idly waiting for your child's response, "praise him in a descriptive way" and "listen to his inner thoughts in a reflective way", your child will soon respond positively to you.
Stick to the sixth step until the child cooperates with you. They will cooperate and often come earlier than expected.
postscript
The "never say it again" method usually works because there is no seventh step-after a while, give up.