In recent years, wolf parents and tiger mothers have adopted some extreme education methods, such as taking their children to participate in overload sports that their peers can't bear, letting them run for dozens of kilometers across the country, walking in the desert, and living in tents bitten by mosquitoes at night; Or take children to Dai Yue to do physical fitness and martial arts exercises for many years. This is called cultivating children's endurance and anti-frustration ability from an early age. Is this a good idea?
When some parents talk about "frustration education", they deliberately create suffering scenes and create "setbacks". This is a big misunderstanding. In fact, there are many setbacks in children's lives. For example, if other children don't play with themselves and their beloved toys are taken away, it is a setback in the eyes of children. They don't need their parents to create setbacks at all, just really effective frustration education!
Really effective "frustration education" needs to have these two premises:
First, can children understand and cooperate? If children don't understand what setbacks are for, what they gain from setbacks is not positive thinking, but negative bearing, even resentment and hostility towards their parents.
Second, whether the child's mind and body can bear it, if not, it will only increase the child's unnecessary frustration, hit his self-confidence, and even cause irreparable harm.
Paul Stoz, a famous American educator, put forward the concept of "anti-frustration quotient", which includes four aspects:
The first is control. When setbacks come, you can control your emotions. The second is tolerance. When setbacks persist, persevere. The third is correct attribution. Be able to face setbacks and find out the reasons for failure. The fourth is control extension. It can prevent frustration from spreading to other parts of life.
When these four requirements are realized in practice, there are four steps. Whenever children encounter setbacks, as long as we can do these four steps, we can improve their "anti-frustration ability" and realize truly effective frustration education.
The first step: guide children to treat setbacks correctly and learn to control their emotions. Most parents judge their children's abilities from the perspective of an adult when they are frustrated, thinking that "such a small thing can't be done". Inadvertently belittling their children's tone will hurt them and directly reduce their interest and energy in fighting setbacks, which is very undesirable. It is necessary to understand the level of children's cognitive and practical ability and encourage him to try bravely. In our opinion, children can't even tie their shoelaces and build blocks, which is a great setback for children. At this time, don't belittle or even laugh at the child, and don't deliberately weaken the difficulties he encounters. On the contrary, we should encourage children to face it and train their emotional control ability. Attention should be paid to correcting children's frustration, negative retreat and self-abandonment when encountering setbacks, and encouraging children to deal with setbacks with positive emotions.
Step 2: Don't rush to help, leave room and space for children to try and make mistakes, and increase their tolerance. Parents always can't see their children crying, and they want to stop them when they cry. When children cry when they can't build blocks, most parents will subconsciously say, "It's okay, don't cry, mom will help you" or "If you can't build blocks, let's play something else." It seems that the effect is good, and the child will stop crying immediately, but this is equivalent to giving the child a fork to avoid difficulties and setbacks, so he missed the precious opportunity of "frustration education".
I remember when Zhu Jun interviewed Chen Kaige, he asked him: What should I do if my child falls? Chen's answer is that when he fell, he had to hold back the pain and try to get up. Really can't. It's really because of my ability, and adults need to help.
Parents are not in a hurry to help, and children can be trained to face setbacks and endure setbacks.
Step 3: help analyze the specific reasons for failure, rather than general praise and encouragement. Children's setbacks are often due to wrong methods or lack of exercise, which is not difficult to overcome. When the child can't solve the problem of asking for help, parents should patiently help him analyze, find the crux of the problem, encourage him to solve it himself, don't replace it, and don't lower the standard and praise it at will. This is not desirable.
After completing this step and realizing the correct attribution, children will not label themselves as "stupid" at will, but learn to think more ways in the face of difficulties instead of making more excuses, which is of great benefit to improving their "anti-frustration quotient".
Step 4: Say "thank you" to setbacks and control the spread and radiation of setbacks. The child has experienced a setback. Whether he has overcome or failed, he should be guided to constantly strengthen the psychological quality of "repeated defeats and repeated wars" and "the more frustrated he is, the more excited he is". Remember to avoid making the child doubt his ability and let the frustration spread. Because, what knocks people down in life is often not the setback itself, but the negative attitude brought by the setback.
Cartoonist Zhu Deyong loved painting since he was a child. Before graduating from junior high school, I was dismissed from school because of my poor grades. His father said to him, "Congratulations, son." Zhu Deyong was very surprised: "This is a shameful thing. What is there to congratulate? "
"Congratulations on your good luck." Father smiled and said, "People, like animals, have their own talents. For example, tigers have sharp teeth, rabbits have super running ability, and so do people. However, everyone is required to become a tiger, and many of them can only be rabbits. Now that you have been kicked out of the tiger training team, you can better display your talents and be an excellent rabbit wholeheartedly. "
After becoming an excellent cartoonist, Zhu Deyong often said with emotion, "Thanks to my father for congratulating me when I was frustrated. He made me understand that there are many failures and setbacks in the world, which are actually the gifts of fate. The key is how you choose to treat them. "
Therefore, after encountering setbacks, please remember to teach children to say "thank you" to setbacks.
Teacher Sun Ruixue wrote in Love and Freedom that the development of will is a slow process, which is established in children's spontaneous activities. Will can only be cultivated by children's own strength.
The process of children's growth is also the process of parents constantly exploring the laws of education. Parents' subtle influence is everywhere, but the cultivation of children's willpower can best reflect educational wisdom. The lessons children get from setbacks and failures are the most unforgettable and precious, which requires parents to learn to guide the development of frustration education. Children need help in the face of setbacks, but not all the time. This is the educational wisdom of parents.