"What did I tell you, don't make noise, still make noise, go out and stand by and come to the door?" Scold the child in public, with a cold and harsh tone. But I believe that this mother must love children, and her starting point is also good. But this punitive education method will not only hurt children's self-esteem, but also have no effect.
Sure enough, after being scolded by his mother, the little boy ran out of the temple with a smirk and continued to play. Punishment can only stop a temporary bad behavior, and when the child leaves the mother's sight, it will recur.
This is actually an educational method used by many parents in life to control their children's behavior through threats and punishments.
In addition, some parents indulge their children in the name of releasing their nature.
For example, the little boy above is playing in a public place that needs quiet, which affects others. Many parents turn a blind eye. If you remind him to discipline his children, you will say, "What's the fuss about children like this?"
But in the long run, whether it is threats, punishments or laissez-faire, children will become people without boundaries and sense of responsibility.
Knowing the rules, abiding by the rules and taking responsibility for one's actions are basic social survival skills, and its importance is beyond doubt.
But do parents want this? Of course not. There is no parent who doesn't want his child to grow up to be a cooperative, self-reliant and responsible child, but many parents will say: there is no way, otherwise, he can't be cured.
If you have the same trouble, I believe the book "You are the best toy for children" will give you great inspiration.
The author of this book is kimberly Brain, who is the first educational expert in the world to put forward "Emotional Guidance Education", a registered family and child therapist, and a mother of two children.
This book advocates educating children with emotional guidance and restrictions, so that children can become good at communication, confident and responsible children. This book is an extraordinary book on parenting education, which is highly recommended by Fan Deng.
[If! SupportLists]0 1。 [endif] emotional guidance
The essence of emotional guidance is: "Allow and encourage children to express their opinions freely, and establish an equal relationship of sharing power by sharing responsibilities with children, so as to mobilize children's internal initiative and let children learn to solve problems by themselves with the help of adults, and learn how to establish good and close relationships with others."
In this book, the author gives such an example.
Kelton is 4 years old, and his parents have given him emotional guidance since he was a child. One day, kelton and two friends were playing in the park. Suddenly, a toddler girl broke into their game area, and the two friends ran the toy directly over the little girl's instep.
The little girl was scared and cried. At this moment, the little girl's mother came to her side. The two initiators turned a blind eye, but kelton walked up to his mother and said, "I'm sorry for what my friend did. They didn't even stop to avoid her. "
Later, the mother came up to kelton's mother and said, "I have never met a child who is so considerate of others. Your son just apologized to me for his little friend. I want to thank you for teaching such a good son. He impressed me deeply. "
Daniel Gorman, the author of the epoch-making book Emotional Intelligence, said: "If a child wants to be happy and successful, having good communication skills and emotional wisdom is much more important than academic performance."
Children who grow up under the guidance of emotions are compassionate and treat others as themselves. A child with empathy and strong communication skills will grow into a child with high emotional intelligence.
What are the prerequisites for emotional guidance? The key lies in the intimate relationship between parents and children, and the core lies in the establishment of emotional ties.
In Mom is Superman, Eva Huang and Andy are impressive. At the beginning of the program, the picture of Eva Huang and Andy getting along was full of embarrassment. Andy resisted: I confirmed my eyes. My mother is a stranger.
Andy is not satisfied with Eva Huang's carefully prepared breakfast; His mother fed him breakfast. He said that he had grown up and didn't need to be fed by others, but he was very happy when his grandmother fed him. Andy's behavior seems to be deliberately against his mother.
It's all because Eva Huang and Andy are not close enough. Andy was raised by his grandmother from three months to three years old. He has long been used to his mother's absence, and his favorite people are grandma and brother.
Emotional ties are so important, how can you expect your children to listen to you and cooperate with you if they are not close to you from the heart?
So how do you build emotional bonds? The answer is the company. Just like the title of this book, you are the best toy for children.
Every child is eager to get along with his parents without being disturbed. Children can tell who their parents are from 6 months old. Even if there are more people to take care of, what he values most is the happy time with you.
So play with the children. Playing with him can not only release your child's energy, but also make you closer.
In their small world, playing can not only dispel inner emotions, but also deal with troubles. With him, you will know more about your child's emotions and provide you with an opportunity to enter his world.
With a deep parent-child relationship as the foundation, we can better guide. The following are five steps of emotional guidance: sowing, observing and judging, listening, observing and understanding children's feelings and sympathy.
Most parents with children have been worried about one thing-taking their children out for dinner.
Due to physical limitations, children are prone to sleepiness and fatigue, but they do not have the corresponding ability to express their needs, so the external performance may be excessive screaming and noise. This is also a common problem when going out.
Now let's use emotional guidance to see how to spend the time eating out smoothly.
First, sow the seeds. This is to let children know in advance what we are going to do next, so that they can be prepared. For example, if you go out to eat tonight, you can bring up this topic in the morning: "Tonight, your parents will take you out to eat out. When you are in a restaurant, you should eat at the table. Don't run around. "
Next, it will be more effective to repeat it several times during the day. Finally, on the way to the hotel, I remind you again: "Let's go to the restaurant for dinner now. Eating is sitting in a chair, not running around. "
At the same time, it is best to give the child a toy after sitting down, interact with him and attract his attention.
Only by telling in advance and planting the seeds of cooperation can the whole family feel happy.
The second is observation and judgment. Children have limited endurance and can't control their emotions. When a child is noisy, you should pay attention to what is the reason for his noise and whether there are unmet needs. For example, is he hungry, sleepy, thirsty, tired or overexcited?
Generally speaking, once these needs are met, children can be quiet.
Then there is listening, which is very important for emotional guidance. When the child can't restore calm, listen to his thoughts.
When listening, pay attention to the child and pay attention to his thoughts patiently. At this time, you'd better bend down, make eye contact with him and pay attention to his body language while listening.
You can start the topic like this: "honey, mom is still excited to notice you." What do you think? Can you tell your mother, or do you need her help? " Then all you have to do is concentrate on listening to the baby.
However, babies often can't express themselves fluently, so it is necessary to observe his expression and body language.
Next, you need to observe and understand the child's feelings. When a child speaks his feelings, or when you read his emotions from his body language, you should accept and respond to his feelings. This is also a good time to teach children to express themselves.
Finally, it is sympathy. If you take your children out for dinner, you have to be prepared to go home early. Because everything is based on the needs of children, when he is tired, sleepy and unable to support himself, don't force him to sit quietly in his seat. You can choose to pack vegetables and go home to eat.
As long as you are prepared for this, eating out is not a terrible thing.
These are the five steps of emotional guidance. The key point is to let children express themselves without pressure, not to criticize and despise children, to sympathize with their feelings, and to love and support them unconditionally.
But is emotional guidance equal to doting? No, the difference between emotional guidance and doting lies in setting limits.
Setting limits can help children understand what can and cannot be done. Children will be confident when they know the boundaries of behavior in their hearts.
Unconditional love and simple rules are indispensable. It is difficult for children who are not strictly bound by their parents to understand the importance of obeying the system.
"Children push pregnant women downstairs to see if she will have a miscarriage", and even the serious "Li Tianyi gang raped a girl" incident is because parents did not restrain their children in their daily education.
Is setting restrictions equivalent to threatening children? No, setting restrictions only allows you to explain to your child the reasons why you can and cannot do certain things, and convince your child with logic.
There is such a case in the book.
Five-year-old Gilly Ernst & Young Barbie hit three-year-old Liz.
Mom: "Jillian, stop at once. Mom knows you are angry now, but it is wrong to hit people. We solve problems by talking. Now tell mom, what makes you so angry? "
Gillian: "She took my doll!" " "(Gillian is still pushing Lizzy)
Mom: "It's wrong to hit people. Now go to the other room with mom to calm down. Liz, I'm sorry. Are you okay? I'm sorry she hit you. We will be back soon. "
Then mom and gillian went to another room: "gillian, you really want that Barbie doll, don't you?"
Gillian: "I want it. I like that doll. "
Mom: "OK, mom knows that you like dolls very much." But for this kid, right? "
Gillian: "No."
Mom: "What will you do next time?"
Gillian: "Don't hit people."
Mom: "What should you say?"
Gillian: "This is my doll."
Mom: "Maybe you can say, I'm playing. When I stop playing, I will play for you. "
Gilian: "OK, Mom."
When the child's behavior is out of control, we can pull him aside, but it should be noted that adults should stay with the child until he calms down and can talk.
Parents should stand in the child's perspective, accept the child's emotions, and then tell the child the solution to this situation, which behaviors are desirable and which behaviors are not desirable.
So many times, children can slowly learn how to deal with contradictions.
Abiding by the system is the basic skill for the survival of modern society. To paraphrase a popular online saying, if you don't teach your children to be human, society will teach them for you.
Write it at the end
The above is what I think is the essence of this book. In fact, it can be summarized in one sentence, gentle but firm. In the process of raising children, hold this attitude and let them know that I love you, but I will also correct your bad behavior. But even if he makes a mistake, you will love him unconditionally and correct it with him.
Only in this way can we cultivate better children than you.