Huang Yang, a young graduate student at Fudan University, died after drinking poisonous water. In fact, there have been many poisoning cases on campus in recent years, and the thallium poisoning case that shocked the world at that time is still fresh in our memory. Why can these favored children do evil to their roommates because of a little contradiction or jealousy? Where is the root of this jealousy and hatred? How can we dissolve the poison of jealousy in children's hearts so that there is no shadow in children's hearts? Jealousy is like a flower of evil that grows in the heart ◎ Jia's jealousy, in the final analysis, is a sign of self-distrust, which is especially obvious in children with immature minds. My friend's daughter is the first in her class, but her opponent is always a girl whose grades are far behind her. In a test, she unexpectedly failed to get into the girl. When she got home, she burst into tears. Her parents don't understand, because several people scored higher than her in this exam. Why did she do this to that girl? Later, I slowly discovered that this girl is very dazzling in all aspects of the class. My family is very good and my parents are very open-minded. Although I am young, I have visited half the world. Every day gadgets are refurbished, and mobile phones are changed one after another. She is beautiful, and many boys in the class are around her. Whether it is taste or temperament, it is far behind. Coupled with good academic performance, the teacher took special care of her, making her more arrogant and even walking like a white swan. A friend's daughter is much more ordinary by comparison. My daughter cried and told her, "The only thing I can do better than her is my academic performance. If my academic performance is not as good as her, then I have nothing. " The friend gave his daughter a deep hug. This is only a preliminary comparison. But things are getting worse. Soon, my friend's daughter became more diligent and fixed her eyes on that girl. It must be her who is talked about at the dinner table after going home every day. Unfortunately, there is never appreciation or praise, but more disgust, disgust, resentment and sometimes even slander. Friends are starting to panic. Until one day, my daughter walked into the house happily and hugged her mother warmly. Then he smiled and said, "Today is too painful. She was caught by the teacher for cheating. Since then, her popularity has plummeted, and teachers don't like her. Ha ha ha! " Her friend was dumbfounded and she was worried. Her daughter actually laughs at other people's misfortune? She can't accept it at all. Comparison has become jealousy, and jealousy of this devil is eroding her daughter's kindness. From gloating over other people's misfortunes, jealousy has begun to incite evil. Sure enough, one day, she found her daughter throwing a notebook into the trash can. Pick it up and see, the girl's name is impressively written on the notebook. My friend flew into a rage and scolded her daughter. The daughter cried and said, "Didn't I tell you?" My deskmate told me that she stole the two notebooks that I lost, and I just answered blows with blows! "Jealousy is like a flower of evil that grows in the hearts of these children. The competitive mentality makes everyone's eyes look at the strengths of others. If it is good, it will be better, and if it is perfect, it will be more perfect. No one can allow others to offend their own territory, even if it is only a little. In the final analysis, children's jealousy is just a sign of self-distrust. The so-called self-confidence does not mean believing that you will reach the highest position, nor that you can do anything. True self-confidence is that you can face up to yourself, know where you are good and know where you are not; Know what you can achieve through hard work, and know that no matter how hard you try, nothing will change. Neither proud of their own advantages nor discouraged by their own shortcomings. Just face it calmly, be sincere and selfless, and strive to be yourself. Every child is unique and can't be decided by a single evaluation in study or life. Believe in your own special, don't seek vanity and glory from the outside world, and be self-satisfied. This is true confidence. Once a child loses self-confidence, he will be frightened in the crowd and know himself in comparison with others, which happens to be the soil where jealousy is born, where unimaginable worries are hidden. The establishment of adolescent self-confidence often comes from external evaluation. Therefore, parents and teachers have an unshirkable responsibility to cultivate children's self-confidence. " There are many excellent people in this world, not just her. You are excellent, too. Try to discover your own beauty slowly. "My friend said this to her daughter. With her help, her daughter finally returned the notebook to her classmates, and she gradually faded her attention to the girl. Why is my daughter's piano score torn by her classmates? My daughter is in the sixth grade. One day, my daughter said to me with tears: "My piano score was stolen and torn by my classmates!" "In order to cultivate my daughter's courage and exercise her ability, I have asked her to introduce herself to the solo of the art festival many times. When my daughter played a performance-level "Spring to Xiangjiang River", her superb acting skills, melodious piano sound and proud appearance made several music teachers in the school admire her and praise her in front of the teachers and students of the whole school. Her performance shocked all the teachers and students, and also scared several students who signed up to play! For the honor of the school, under the arrangement of the teacher, my daughter demonstrated several times in public. On the day I went to pick her up from school, the class teacher took the initiative to tell me that my daughter was not only outstanding in appearance, good at studying, but also versatile and praised me for cultivating an excellent daughter. But after learning that my daughter's piano score was torn by her classmates, I was so worried that I didn't sleep well all night. My daughter's piano score is in her schoolbag. I didn't take it out at all, but I don't know when it disappeared. My daughter clearly remembers carefully putting it in the interlayer of her schoolbag, but she can't find it after many times. After investigation, the teacher found that it was a girl in the same class who secretly took it away and shredded it. I am surprised that a girl in the sixth grade of primary school can't tolerate her classmates being better than her. On another occasion, my daughter was selected to participate in the city encyclopedia knowledge contest. A girl in her class stole all her test papers when her daughter went to the bathroom after class. As a result, my daughter won the first prize, and that classmate said maliciously, "I wish I could steal your head!" " "I think this phenomenon occurs because the vicious competition in exam-oriented education makes children less humble and tolerant, and makes some children selfish and can't tolerate others being better than themselves. Parents' doting and quick success make children lose tolerance and generosity, and even have unhealthy jealousy. In fact, a society needs all kinds of talents, and it is impossible for everyone to master everything. Shorter feet and longer inches. Teachers and parents should educate their children, never regard their opponents as obstacles, but take excellent classmates as goals and turn them into an upward force. If you just go your own way to eradicate dissidents, the final result can only be to go astray and harm others and yourself! Jealousy stems from parents' high expectations ◎ Liu Ping said in the Dictionary of Psychology: "Jealousy is a complex emotional state, which consists of shame, anger and resentment. Compared with others, I find myself inferior to others in talent, reputation, status or situation. "According to this definition, everyone in life will have jealousy more or less, which belongs to a normal psychological activity. Jealousy can be transformed into a kind of strength and a kind of motivation in people with normal psychology; However, in people with psychological problems, it is a kind of injury and a crime. Jealousy can not only release positive energy, but also have negative effects. There are many examples of resentment caused by jealousy in daily life, and the consequences are different. I often encounter similar cases in my parents' consultation. Some children fall into the mire of jealousy, which not only hurts themselves, but also brings great harm to their families and classmates. 16 Xiao Hui, a boy, dropped out of high school at home. My father is a cadre and my mother is a primary school teacher. According to her mother, Xiaohui has been studying very well since she was a child, and she is in the top three in every exam. She has always been a good child in the eyes of her parents and a good student in the hearts of her teachers. However, it is such an excellent child who had to drop out of school because of serious psychological problems in senior two. What is the reason to beat this excellent child? It was jealousy that made Xiaohui suffer from mental illness. Xiaohui has a good classmate. They are inseparable, and their academic performance is neck and neck. However, after entering high school, Xiaohui appeared abnormal behavior. He drew a classmate's head and posted it on the wall. Every day before and after school, he will stand in front of his classmates and "swear": "I want to surpass you, I want to be better than you! "Later, he had a strange behavior, that is, he wanted to poke his classmates in the head with a knife. Later, Xiaohui had symptoms of being afraid of light, so she had to close all the curtains at home. Every time I come home from school, I will take off my pants to my knees, saying that it is too hot to dry. This scene makes the mother who is a teacher look in her eyes and be afraid in her heart. Xiaohui finally dropped out of school and was sent to hospital for treatment. If Xiaohui is nervous because of jealousy, what makes Xiaohui feel so jealous? 1. Too high expectations. Xiaohui's mother is a teacher. She combines the advantages of all the students in her class with her children. She believes that children should be "perfect" and there is no room for any shortcomings in their eyes. In order to take care of children in primary school, I specially applied to put children in my own class. Some people say that teachers can educate the children in the whole class well, but they can't educate their own children well. Their attitudes and expectations are different, so the ways and methods of education are different. Excessive expectations will make children do whatever it takes to realize their wishes, regardless of the feelings of others. 2. The discipline is too strict. Xiaohui's mother said that Xiaohui was particularly strict in discipline since childhood and often beat and scolded her children. Children have almost no time to play except for eating and resting, and they are completely used in learning; After finishing homework, the mother will add a "small stove" to the child. Sometimes children are really sleepy, and they have to continue to finish writing before they can rest. Too strict discipline will make children form avoidant personality traits and dare not face the difficulties in life. 3. Overindulgence. Xiaohui is an only child and has such a "baby pimple" at home. In addition to learning, the requirements for children are responsive; Food and clothing are the best; Children are never allowed to do housework, including their own clothes, which are washed, folded and put away by their mothers, and taken out by their mothers when they change clothes. Even in high school, they still have obstacles in their lives. Excessive love can easily make children feel dependent, passive, bored and indifferent. 4. excessive demands. Giving is rewarding, and so is between parents and children. When parents pay for their children, they hope that their children can get a good grade and get a good grade, so that parents will feel that they have not lived in vain. "If children can't keep up with their studies, parents will feel psychologically unbalanced. Then in order to find a balance, it will be harsh on children, especially in learning. Excessive demands will make children form a Nuo Nuo-only character, with no ego, no opinion and no sense of value, so it is easy to give up. 5. Excessive behavior. Children will inevitably make mistakes when they grow up. Parents must give their children a chance to try and give them a space. Don't beat and scold when they see their own shortcomings, and don't ignore and ignore them in a "soft violence" way. These behaviors will make children feel fear, anxiety, self-degradation, and self-isolation. If parents adopt the above-mentioned five "excessive" parenting methods in the process of educating their children, it will inevitably hit the children's body and mind, resulting in psychological problems and mental stress. Education is a long process. Children's growth needs time and space, and it can't be done overnight, and there is no "specific medicine" or "quick-acting medicine". We must guide children to grow up healthily step by step according to their physical and psychological needs. Expert opinion: Don't let jealousy consume psychological energy ◎ Everyone in Shi Yu knows the story of Snow White. The evil queen was jealous of Snow White's beauty and tried to kill her so that she could continue to be the most beautiful woman in the world. A person's psychological energy is limited. Jealousy and hatred often consume most of the psychological energy, and the power to get out of trouble will naturally be weak. If the other person is better than himself, he will be destroyed, so that he will have no time to appreciate his own advantages, and if he can't accept himself, he will be even more intolerable and will become a vicious circle. I remember when I was a child, I was hit on the head by the corner of the table. My parents would strike the table and blame it for hurting us. Once, a friend's daughter wanted to keep a pet, and her parents immediately bought a very valuable cat. My daughter likes small animals, but she is always violent. As a result, she was bitten by a cat and her fingers bled. The guilty cat was immediately driven away by the whole family waving brooms. Parents only care about whether the child is injured, but don't tell her why she is injured and how to avoid being injured next time. They are busy punishing the "perpetrators" to vent their anger at the children. The love for children is touching, but the method of educating children is too poor. Imagine how a child who grew up in such an environment can get along with his classmates. Any contradiction is someone else's fault, not your own. Tracing back to the source, there is a problem with the way of thinking since childhood. Geffman put forward the theory of prospect and background. He believes that most people show their good side on the spotlight stage, and they also need background to supplement their energy to rest and adjust. When I was a child, I was wronged and went home to hide and cry, because home is a complete "backstage" and will not be easily seen. And if the front desk encounters setbacks and the background can't heal, the accumulated psychological problems should be no small. According to the survey of China CDC, as many as 25.4% college students in China have psychological barriers such as anxiety, compulsive thinking or behavior, depression and so on. A survey by the College Students' Psychological Advisory Committee of China Mental Health Association also shows that 40% of freshmen and more than 50% of graduates have psychological problems of one kind or another. Among them, interpersonal communication, study pressure, employment pressure and emotional dilemma are the four most prominent "heart diseases". Mental health education should start with dolls, and college correction may be relatively difficult. Mental health education is not only the job of university teachers, parents should set an example when their children are young. We should reflect that we are consciously or unconsciously strengthening children's competitiveness. There was once a boy in the fourth grade of primary school who was taken to the psychological clinic of our hospital by his father. The little boy set up a box (a psychotherapy method of playing with toys in the box), and then he asked me if I could see what others were doing. I asked him why. The child looked childish and said solemnly, "I don't know if others are as good as me." The little boy also asked to see an adult's box work. He said that if he wanted to compare with adults, he would compare with adults. When his father took him to the psychological clinic, the main problem he wanted to solve was too much pressure and too much emphasis on scores and rankings. It is undeniable that children may be naturally competitive, but are parents and teachers consciously or unconsciously strengthening their children's comparison psychology? On the contrary, the psychological teacher will encourage such children to make mistakes and allow them not to be the first in the exam. Everyone has his own strengths, and it is impossible to be the best in all aspects. And what did the parents do? As long as the score is high and the ranking is high, parents who are slightly behind will be anxious first, and there is no hope if they fail to get into a good junior high school. Or as long as you get good grades, you can do anything else for your children. For example, when selecting class cadres, parents work with teachers in advance, fearing that their children can't stand the blow after losing the election; If there is a conflict between children and classmates, parents will come forward to help solve it; Let's take a look at the way to send the children to school in the morning. Most of them are parents who help carry schoolbags and so on. In fact, what will happen to these once excellent top students in the future? In my clinic, I have met many people who have never encountered difficulties along the way. When they encounter minor emotional setbacks as adults, they will die or commit suicide. Or they always take the first place in school, and as a result, they can't adapt to the work and will resign after being criticized by the boss or leader. Similar fragile top students are not uncommon. Excellence is only appearance. Only when you face difficulties can you learn how to solve problems. If parents care about protecting their children all the way, but ask their children to come up with a solution to the problem quickly when they grow up, how can this be achieved? In the final analysis, the over-protection of parents is the root cause of children's weak ability. Only when you have tasted bitterness can you learn to taste happiness. Parents deprive their children of the ability to solve problems and taste happiness, and in turn complain and blame their children. It is really necessary to reflect. (Shi Yu, a psychologist at the Emergency Medical Center of the Armed Police General Hospital) Overseas research and comparative education have produced jealousy ◎ Blue Ocean Recently, a vicious case of "sharing a room" occurred in Fudan University. This makes me think about a question: what can make these people with higher education become vicious? Everyone is commenting on this terrible jealousy. Jealousy is a very harmful emotion. Everyone in the world is likely to be jealous, not just China. However, "Chinese-style" jealousy is closely related to China's educational philosophy of keeping up with the joneses. When I was a child, did my parents often say "Look at that chubby neighbor, which one is better than you" to spur us? In kindergarten, did the teacher often say, let's have a competition to see who eats fast? When we were at school, did the teacher often say, who is the best in our class? You can't even compare with others? In the kindergarten stage, this kind of education can often get immediate results, and children can easily do what we expect. Some time ago, a mother asked me that my daughter must win every time, and she would cry if she didn't win first. What should I do? I'm just asking: Do you often use competition to educate your children? Mother answered yes. This kind of jealousy is a typical "Chinese jealousy". It distorts people's thoughts and devours human nature, and in extreme cases, it will develop into a case of intentional injury. Studying early childhood education in Canada, I was surprised to find that the method of making children compete is not allowed. I didn't understand. What happened to the game? The teacher said that if compared with each other, it is easy to stimulate unfair competition. Later, I came into contact with more and more Canadian children. They don't know how to compare with other children, and sometimes they look silly, but what I see is the calmness, calmness and happiness of the children! In Canadian kindergartens, if we want to take our children to the park outside and expect them to put on their coats, we won't say who wears them fastest. Although children work hard easily, they get dressed quickly. We will say, I saw Eriksson dressed, thank you! I saw Emily dressed, thank you! We will never say, Eriksson is the fastest, Emily is the second fastest, Tony, you will be the last one if you don't hurry up! What's the difference between these two educational methods? Foreign education pays attention to children's individual behavior, and teachers' praise is to make children feel satisfied with their own behavior; In China, teachers and parents are more concerned about the relative comparison between children. What children care about is how I compare with others, not my own behavior. This is the bud of "Chinese jealousy". Some time ago, in the class of adolescent developmental psychology, the professor mentioned the role models in school and family. In the discussion with practice, an international student from China said that in his high school class in China, teachers often follow his example and let the whole class learn from him. On the other hand, the Canadian professor added that attention should be paid to giving every student a chance to be an example, rather than just focusing on one student. Now we can understand what this means! Nowadays, globalization and the Internet age provide different opportunities for everyone. As I mentioned in Weibo some time ago, people succeed in different ways! Everyone can succeed in different ways! There is no need to compare with people around you. The result of this comparison is narrow-minded, unhappy and distorted. Parents in China should stop blindly comparing their children, but pay attention to their individual behaviors and help them create their own opportunities and finally succeed.