In fact, every child treats his parents in a way that we allow.
For better or worse.
Recently, two things about children made me understand this truth more deeply.
People in the mountains can't see all the faces of the mountains clearly. By the same token, in the process of raising children, if there is no big problem with children, it is difficult to find out our behavioral deviation in time.
For example, I recently found out that I gave two children two bad "permissions".
-He's eight years old. It takes at least half an hour from washing to turning off the lights at night. Brushing your teeth lazily, changing pajamas, folding clothes, making quilts, making pillows ... just like a concerto with a long stream of water, it is slow and anxious for me.
-Hiroko was still telling me a second ago that he was wronged and seeking comfort. The next second, my father went home and immediately talked and laughed with my father. This contrast stung me.
It is easy for us to find that children have learned to "dish in front of people" since childhood.
For example:
Why?
Because children clearly know to whom their demands can be made and can satisfy themselves.
One day, an aunt told me sadly that she had worked hard to cook four dishes, but her son and daughter-in-law were critical of them. They went to a restaurant without a few bites, and all the food was left. She is worried about how many days it will take to finish eating.
Rome was not built in a day.
There is little I can do except to comfort menstruation.
The way children treat their parents is allowed by their parents.
This sentence seems unreasonable and inconsiderate to parents, but it is true.
For example, when her son found fault with her cooking for the first time, she taught him seriously and did not allow him to disrespect his parents' work. Then, he may not develop to this extent.
Poor people must have something hateful. This sentence can be used in many things, even if it is not true.
The reason why there is the present "fruit" is because the "cause" was planted before.
The crying child has milk to eat.
We often pay special attention to the child who has many problems and troubles, which is also the purpose of this child's continuous creation of these problems.
When it comes to breakfast, Zai Hao is always picky, while his sister Yue Yue usually eats whatever she does.
So often before going to bed at night, I will ask Hiroko what he wants to eat the next morning, and then prepare breakfast according to his idea. But one night I didn't ask, and the next morning I made breakfast, but he complained that he didn't want to eat today.
My husband said seriously at that time: "In the future, you will eat whatever your mother does." Mother gets up early and cooks hard. Not only can you not be picky, but you should also thank your mother. You got it? "
After that, if he remembers to tell me what he wants to eat tomorrow, I will try my best to meet his requirements. After all, when I cook, I know that these meals are popular, and I will be more relieved to see that the children are eating fragrant and full. But if he forgets, he eats whatever I do and is rarely picky about food.
Occasionally, he would suggest to me, "Mom, don't do this for breakfast in the future. It's too dry."
In this case, I will respect the children's ideas. Because only mutual respect and care is the correct way to open a family.
The balance of one party's capital contribution is unbalanced and needs to be adjusted.
Some children are naturally slow-tempered, while others are naturally impatient.
But when it comes to procrastination, most of them are not talking about children's natural personality, nor are they subjectively unable to work hard. It means that children can be faster, but they are subjectively dragging their feet and don't want to do or finish it so quickly.
Take my daughter Yue Yue as an example.
It takes her half an hour to brush her teeth, change her pajamas, fold clothes, make quilts and pillows every night, and finally lie down. I often worry about this, put it on my mobile phone, leave my notebook, and follow her to find a way to make her hurry.
Sometimes I am anxious enough to criticize her, but she will slowly say, "I know (mom is in a hurry)."
Then, I'm still the same. I was so angry that I could only take a deep breath again and again and try to calm my emotions.
Later, I saw a book "The Formation and Cultivation of Children's Personality". The author alfred adler, an individual psychologist, wrote in the book that children's procrastination is also one of the manifestations that parents love their children.
This sentence inspired me.
I always thought my daughter just wanted to get my attention in this way. But after reading this sentence, I have a new feeling.
First of all, she has been dawdling on this matter, which I allowed.
No matter how anxious and angry I am, I still allow her to do so. Because if I was determined to do it at a certain time and she couldn't finish it, she would turn off the lights at the appointed time, then she might have stopped doing it long ago.
I'm really too kind (a little spoiled) to her in this matter.
Similarly, the same is true for children to do homework. Some parents complain that their children are not in a hurry to write their homework when they just get home, and they have to dawdle until eight or nine o'clock to start writing. They write until midnight every day, and they are heartbroken. In fact, this is also a kind of permission from parents. It is parents who allow their children to do this behavior at the study table at eight or nine o'clock. Otherwise, this situation will not continue to happen.
Children want to see their parents so anxious and angry, and they want to get our attention by making trouble, even if it is criticism or abuse. And we are moving forward according to children's expectations, and everything is what children expect.
Our "permission" means our inaction. Besides repeatedly urging and scolding, we don't carefully analyze why children don't do their homework earlier and what are the reasons for the delay. Is the topic too difficult? Still no sense of time? Are you eager for attention, or do you feel inferior and want to give up on yourself? ..... different reasons, corresponding to different solutions. Staring at the appearance, without thinking or solving it, making the simplest and rudest reaction is not due diligence.
Secondly, Yue Yue really caught my attention, even at the risk of being criticized by me.
I knew this from the beginning. What I thought at that time was that since you want me to pay attention to you, I will pay attention to you. When you are satisfied enough, this kind of eye-grabbing behavior will be reduced.
However, I am not satisfied with this process. Especially when a child is at school, postponing sleep means waking up in the morning, worrying that she can't sleep, eating time is tight and so on.
After reading Adler's words, I began to think about ways to improve.
For example, these two days, I said to her, "Yue Yue, we won't talk when you change your clothes. When you change, mom will talk to you seriously for a while, okay? "
I was very happy to hear that. She accelerated the progress of the program, even shortened it by ten minutes, nearly half the time. So, I also fulfilled my promise and chatted with her for a while before turning off the lights for her.
Therefore, when the child has the ability to finish quickly, she deliberately does it slowly because she has her purpose and needs in mind. And we have to weigh her needs and ours, find a balance point and find a solution that makes each other comfortable.
If our child yelled at us, think about what we did the first time he yelled at us.
Many times, the persistence of children's bad behaviors is closely related to our response when these behaviors first appear.
If children yell at us, we are not showing our attitude, but trying to cheer them up without a bottom line, so why don't children become addicted to such beneficial behavior?
Every time I lose my temper and cry at my parents, I can get their parents' attention, love and hug, and I can get what we didn't agree to buy for them. Children are of course willing to do it again and again.
So, if your child is angry with you, you should think about whether you have been conniving and allowing it.
Similarly, it is the same for children to roll on the ground.
Get what he wants by rolling once, and then he will be willing to do it again and again.
If he didn't get what he wanted when he was rolling and crying, he would think, "That's because I didn't roll long enough. I will continue to gain weight and extend the time until my parents compromise. "
Parents allow children to give orders to us and even start working.
I saw a short video the other day. A boy of about ten years old pushed his mother to the ground and hit her. Passers-by can't stand it. When teaching him a lesson, his mother didn't say a word and let the child continue to beat her.
She has enough strength to turn things around and stop the child's behavior, but she has to choose not to act.
She thinks it's love for children. In fact, she not only harmed herself, but also harmed the child's life, because she gave the child a very distorted value and a very wrong way to pursue superiority.
Next, share the differentiated performance of Hiroko with my husband.
Hiroko always asks me for comfort and help when she is unhappy or afraid of difficulties. He would nest next to me and say, "Mom, I'm so sad/nervous/scared … because …"
At this time, I will pat his back, touch his hair and comfort him.
I always thought he didn't have the ability to free himself. Until a moment ago, he told me that he was very sad and full of grievances. The next moment my husband came home from work, and he immediately smiled at his father.
At that moment, I knew: he already had certain emotional management ability. It's just that he knows there will be comfort and companionship by my side. As long as he shows sadness or nervousness, I will put down what I am doing and give him comfort and support.
However, I'm also as busy as a bee. For example, that time, I was catching up on a manuscript and put it down to comfort him. I didn't expect him to completely digest it himself. I was a little sour when I saw him smiling at my father.
Come to think of it, I allowed Hiroko to ask me for comfort at any time. Even sometimes, he talks repeatedly and asks for comfort for a long time, which will make me very annoyed. But I still think I should do this.
In fact, the child has grown up, and I shouldn't continue to "take care of" him like this.
He has the ability to face the storm and digest negative emotions. If I blindly allow him to amplify his grievances and fears in front of me, it will be detrimental to his growth.
I should say to him, "Mom is a little busy now and has no time to accompany you." Mom believes in you and you have the ability to comfort yourself. "
In this way, every time he walks out of negative emotions, I give him timely recognition and encouragement, so that he can see his ability from such things, and every time he is successfully relieved, his confidence will be increased.
Confident children have enough inner strength to meet the wind and rain outside and thrive.