A mother in Zhejiang took great pains to train her daughter to be admitted to a prestigious university, but her daughter was too focused on her studies, which led to communication barriers. She could not find a job two years after graduation and vented her frustration on her mother. A senior three student in Taoyuan, Changde, killed his teacher because his parents were too strict and unbearable for academic pressure. In the Didi incident, Liu had a great influence on the society. His father blamed himself for his educational mistakes ... Parents devoted themselves wholeheartedly to their children, but the children's behavior became incredibly rebellious. The huge psychological gap caused by "planting dragons and harvesting fleas" made it difficult for parents to let go.

I can't help asking: Who caused this consequence?

Why do China's parents love their children so much?

1, the deep imprint left by traditional culture

For a long time, China is a human society, and people build family relations, ethnic relations and social relations with emotion as a link. In a patriarchal society, the alternation of dynasties and the maintenance of the status of "mother depends on child" in family relations make parents' love for their children seem natural and unquestionable.

2. Children are the lifelong legacy of parents.

Since the birth of a child, the blood relationship and ethical relationship between the child and his parents have been established. Parents entered the family from the state of love and marriage, and the focus of love shifted to the children. Their love for their children is particularly generous, and they give them as much love as they can.

Eight challenges of family education: each one tests the wisdom of parents.

Challenge 1: Parents are the creators of children's "great works", not the owners.

Parents accompany, participate in and witness their children from babbling to walking to school. They are the closest and most trusted people and the best teachers for children to grow up.

Parents are eager to love their children. They don't want their children to eat what they have suffered during their growth, and they don't want them to take those detours. They hope that their children can receive a better education, and their regrets can be avoided in the next generation ... Children become the spokespersons of parents' wishes.

The emotions of parents and children are innate, which makes it difficult for parents to transcend personal emotional limitations and establish a rational boundary with their children. She once communicated with Mr. Zhang, a partner of one of the top angel investment companies in China 10: As creators of life and providers of resources, parents naturally have supreme educational rights and guardianship, and it is easy to ignore the rationality and adaptability of power in the process of exercising power. Many children's growth is formed by constantly resisting their parents' will to power, which she deeply agrees with.

Remember the story of Nezha's "Give the bones back to Dad and the meat back to Mom" in the list of gods? It reflects the strong resistance to the authority of parents.

The second challenge: read your children and fully establish intimate relationships.

Every parent's initial heart in educating their children is close to perfection. Driven by emotion and sense of responsibility, parents often ignore the unique differences in their children:

Children are advanced intelligent animals. The arrival of each child has experienced thousands of years of time and space evolution, including the Spring and Autumn Period, the Warring States Period, the Tang, Song, Yuan and Ming Dynasties, and thousands of choices have come to parents.

Children should be more sensitive to emotions, attitudes and behaviors from their parents 10 times, and parents have irreplaceable influence on children.

Children have very distinct personality differences and different talents, and the love given by parents with subjective consciousness is probably not the kind of kindness that children want;

Every child wants to be the only one, eager for equal dialogue and communication; When parents discover their children's uniqueness and constantly affirm and provide support, parents become their children's bole, close partners and allies.

The third challenge: education is based on children's nature, not material needs and sense of stability.

Some children like thinking, some children are cheerful, some children love sports, and some children like art … Children's nature is like the forest of nature, and every creature has a reasonable existence.

Children have a strong will to lead themselves and realize their self-worth. When they move from childhood to adolescence, "the subjectivity of life" is further revealed. Let children choose to do what they like and release their nature; Even if children's ideas are immature and imperfect, let them gain and grow through experience.

Giving children more and better material life will make them not cherish and take their parents' love for granted; Parents' education based on a "stable" life is easy to stifle the fighting spirit and creativity that children have not had time to form.

The fourth challenge: the focus of family education is character education, which is irreplaceable by schools.

Family is the cradle of personality, and family education is the foundation of children's personality cultivation. From many cases of adults' living habits, it is found that children's personality and habits mostly come from their families, from their parents, and accompany them all their lives.

When parents put their hopes for education on the school, why can't the school realize their parents' wishes?

Functionally, the school is mainly a place to impart knowledge; Due to the large number of students and the limited energy of teachers, time is not allowed to teach students in accordance with their aptitude. Therefore, most schools can only make relatively excellent students better, but not children injured in family education.

From the perspective of human nature, the more important people are, the deeper their influence is, and the less important people are, the more difficult it is to form influence; Obviously, teachers have less influence on students than parents, and teachers can't replace the role of parents.

The fifth challenge: jump out of self-experience and mode to prevent children from becoming copies of their parents.

Because it is difficult for parents to transcend emotional limitations and treat their children's growth education, emotion is more than rationality, love is more than discovery, and guidance is more than cultivation, resulting in different educational thinking:

Care-from food, clothing, housing and transportation to school, care is meticulous;

Advantages: the child has no shadow in his heart.

Disadvantages: children's potential is not maximized.

Arranged-everything can be arranged from children's daily necessities to further education, school choice, employment and even marriage.

Advantages: It saves children a lot of heart.

Disadvantages: depriving children of autonomy

Impose-impose your life experience, wishes and skills on your child, hoping that your child will take fewer detours.

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: If the mind is depressed, uncontrollable behaviors such as "rebellion" will evolve.

Let go-know that you can't manage well and let your child's temper come.

Advantages: Children can develop freely according to their nature.

Disadvantages: a child's mind is like a runaway horse. Once he goes astray, the consequences are unimaginable.

Violent type-once a child does not behave as expected by his parents, he is forced to change by violence.

Advantages: Sincerity has no advantages.

Disadvantages: it hurts dignity and leaves a long-lasting mental shadow.

When parents fully give their children the right to grow up, it is the greatest respect and love for their children's life subjects.

Sixth challenge: Long-term misunderstanding leads to a generation gap due to the backlog of distrust, which leads to parents' inability to have an effective conversation with their children.

Why do parents change from "the closest person" to "the most familiar stranger"?

The process of generation gap:

1, distrust

Children have the will and subjectivity of life from birth, and according to their own growth needs, they develop security needs, material needs, entertainment needs, curiosity needs and personality needs, and pursue the wonderful self-world.

When parents don't understand, support or meet their children's needs, negative emotions and psychological gaps follow, and the first crack appears in intimate relationships; When children are unwilling to share their worries with their parents, distrust arises.

2. Sense of distance

When parents deny their children some seemingly unreasonable behaviors, such as spending money indiscriminately, lying, being obsessed with games, etc. Children and parents have antagonistic feelings and begin to avoid their parents' sense of authority; Because parents are usually too busy, it is difficult to detect subtle changes in their children. However, the negative emotions generated by children have accumulated in their hearts for a long time, and over time they have a sense of distance.

3. Long-term neglect

In family relations, children always play the image of being taken care of, while parents play the image of being a "strong and generous" caregiver. Children can't see the vulnerable side of their parents, which leads to limited understanding of their parents and can't be changed for them.

With the children's growing environment, growing needs and growing psychology constantly changing, when the sense of distance keeps widening, parents don't understand their children and children don't want to understand their parents. As a natural extension of opposing emotions, children don't want to stand on their parents' side. The generation gap is invisible, but they don't know when, where and why.

The seventh challenge: believe that your children are better than you, participate in the birth of a miracle, and let go completely.

What do children need most when they grow up?

Subjectivity: A child belongs not only to his parents, but also to himself and his times-just as every river starts from the source, not only to the source, but also to every city and mountain that flows through it.

Trust: children have a lot of room to shape, their stage has no boundaries, and their potential cannot be limited. I believe that through good methods, shine on you will definitely be better than Blue in shine on you (in fact, many parents still have endless words in their hearts after their children get married. )

Autonomy: I am the master of my own territory, and my children have a strong will to dominate themselves, independence and private space.

Let children make decisions and learn to be responsible for their actions.

Future: Children are future citizens and important participants in globalization. Parents' life experience can't guide children to make better decisions.

Training partner: The best love is to give space and opportunities.

Children need to get perception, experience, comparison, flight test and complete self-iteration; Giving space means giving full trust, and giving opportunities means giving the possibility of trying and polishing.

Among the three relationships among teachers, parents and coaches, which one is more conducive to growth?

Parents: pass on care

Teacher: imparting knowledge.

Coach: Provide professional training, reduce the frequency of trial and error, and start to grow accurately.

What changes will sparring with parents bring?

Parent level:

A, discoverer: find the child's personality deviation at the first time and choose a reasonable training method;

B. Empathy: fully understand the child's emotional changes and production process, empathize with the child, and eliminate misunderstandings to the maximum extent;

C. Intimacy: Establish intimate feelings with children through sparring.

Sublevel:

A, trust your parents more and relax in front of them;

B, the heart becomes richer and more resilient;

C. The intimate relationship with parents is upgraded and attachment is formed, and parents will become the source of strength at every important moment.

I remember more than ten years ago when Phoenix Satellite TV held its anniversary. Andy Lau said a particularly profound sentence: When I remember someone, at the lowest point of my whole career, he was the teacher of my training class. His name is Terence and he gave me a very, very good report. After reading it, I think I really should explore the world. Thank you for accompanying me all the way, because you made me so beautiful.

Jackie Chan said fondly in Grow Old before Growing Up: Chen Gangsheng's father is Charles and Lee-Li Can, and Jackie Chan's father is Yu Zhanyuan (Jackie Chan's mentor). It can be seen that the value of "sparring and growing up" has a great and far-reaching impact on people's life.

The eighth challenge: be a fan and supporter of children at any time and build a psychological safety barrier for children.

Those closest to you will suffer the most. In The Dragon Slayer, Xie Xun, the golden lion king, lost his mind and became a public enemy of Wulin because of the trick of his mentor Cheng Kun.

In all human behaviors, giving up is the biggest harm; When children feel that their parents are disgusted because they are unhappy, the psychological damage caused to children is immeasurable.

The sunny side of giving up is support. No matter whether the child's outstanding performance in the debate competition or his exam results fall in Sun Shan, parents need to be the staunchest supporters of the child and give the child a sense of psychological security that can be trusted forever.

When a child makes a "mistake", why can't he be forced to admit it?

Parents are easily excited and angry when facing their children's mistakes, and are eager to force their children to admit their mistakes in the name of education. How serious are the consequences of this practice?

A, I feel wronged: no child doesn't want to be excellent, and most children make mistakes unintentionally, not intentionally;

B, suppress nature: people are sensitive to what they are good at and insensitive to what they are not good at. Children may not recognize mistakes when they make mistakes;

C. Stimulate rebellious mentality: At this time, forcing children to admit their mistakes will form a strong rebellious mentality, arouse a rebound or even confrontation, and the tall image of parents will collapse instantly.

What kind of education is more valuable?

Discover the child's personality and help the child continue to be excellent; When children become better and more mature and have the ability to repair themselves automatically, the bad habits of the past will naturally not be repeated, just as the skin itself has the ability to heal itself.

What experiences do friends have about family education? What do you want to say? Welcome to leave a message