When my daughter was in the fourth grade, she said angrily to me, "Mom, you went through my schoolbag. We are no longer friends!" " "Looking at the bulging little guy is a bit funny, a little touched, and a little sorry. She has always regarded me as a friend. She can't help it, but she can choose her friends, friends who are more advanced than her mother.
After marriage, the relationship between husband and wife has been very good, but for a long time, there will be occasional doubts between husband and wife. Is the husband's kindness to his wife good for his wife or good for his wife because she is a wife? My wife was once confused about her career, and her husband urged her to take a doctor's degree. The reason for persuasion is that her wife is a professional woman with a strong desire for achievement, and the success of her career can make her really happy. The wife was very moved and no longer confused about whether this was a tool or an end. The husband has a kind of understanding, support and love for his wife beyond physical desires, economic interests and self-consideration, which makes her very moved and relieved. The wife is actually looking for a friendship similar to that between husband and wife!
In a sense, friendship transcends maternal love and marriage love. What kind of relationship is a friend? Where is her charm?
Huang Guangguo, a famous sociologist, divided the interpersonal relationship of China people into three categories. One is emotional relationship, which is a long-term and stable social relationship aimed at meeting emotional needs, such as family members, close friends and friends. First, instrumental relationship refers to the social relationship between strangers whose main goal is to obtain material resources; One is a mixed relationship, which is a social relationship between emotions and tools, such as relatives, neighbors, classmates, teachers and students, colleagues and fellow villagers. The principles of the three relationships are different. The emotional relationship is integrated with each other, and the law of demand is followed, "from each according to his ability, each takes what he needs"; Instrumental relationship pursues "the law of fairness"; The mixed relationship is based on the "human law", and the comparison is mainly about paying and future returns. Huang Guoguang's theory has been widely recognized by China society.
I deeply believe that friends and family belong to an emotional relationship, aiming at meeting emotional needs and giving to each other without asking for anything in return. Mutual love is the most fundamental element of the relationship.
So, what's the difference between friends and parents, children and couples?
First of all, friends and spouses are our own choices, while parents and children are not allowed to choose. But it's also your choice. Making friends is much freer than finding someone to marry. Many times, handsome, sweet appearance, youthful age and strong sexual desire can make people fall into crazy love. I can't help it This passion may be more driven by physical strength than real freedom. Finding a marriage partner is restricted by many social factors. Men get married, women get married. When they reach a certain age, it becomes a mission to find a marriage partner. Never get married, yes, but the outcome is worrying, because marriage carries too many functions. Many factors need to be considered in choosing a spouse, including economic income, family background, region, intelligence, height, appearance and so on. In addition to their own preferences, expectations of parents, and even the genes passed on to future children are all factors that have to be considered. All this, under the freedom of love and marriage, hides all kinds of reluctance and helplessness.
Making friends is not like this. Whether to make friends or not, and who to make friends with are all free choices. There are many people who don't make friends or can't make friends, but they can still live well. In addition, making friends is not affected by external biological and social factors. As long as we understand each other, appreciate each other and have goodwill, we can establish friendship. There is no beauty, ugliness, nobility, wealth, gain or loss, and there is no distinction between men and women. Making friends can reflect people's free nature and pursuit of freedom.
Secondly, friendship is not bound by the outside world. Marriage and family is the most important thing in China, and it is also an important object of legal and moral constraints. Family members' love for each other can be a natural expression of feelings, or it can be out of legal and moral obligations. However, friendship is a luxury of life, not a necessity. It has little significance to others and society, and it is not worth regulating by law or paying too much attention to morality. The Analects of Confucius said, "Keep your word when making friends". But Confucius also said, "People who don't believe in it don't know what they can do." It can be seen that trustworthiness is the basic morality of being a man, not specifically for friendship.
It is also good for people, with different motives. People's feelings about motivation are sometimes more sensitive than effects. It is common to be friendly to people because of legal or moral obligations. Only the kind of love that is purely out of love, for the purpose of the other party, without reservation and regardless of return, is precious and worth moving. Pure love is also common between parents and husband and wife, but it is not common. Many people have to be kind to their parents and spouses out of obligation. In addition, even if the obligation is rigid, it is impossible to be good to parents and spouses. True friends can understand each other, support each other, care for each other, and are not bound by various laws and morals, which is particularly precious. This may be the reason why daughters seek the friendship between mother and daughter and wives seek the friendship between husband and wife.
Third, the love between friends and family members is different in content and characteristics. First, the meaning of love is different. Compared with the love of parents and children, the love of friends includes equality, understanding, respect, acceptance and appreciation; Compared with the love of husband and wife, the love of friends is pure and spiritual, excluding utilitarian factors such as physiology and economy, and friendship is more altruistic and moral. Second, the strength and toughness of love are different. The relationship between parents and children is based on the inborn consanguineous life, which is too strong to be dissolved and broken. The love between husband and wife is based on passion, intimacy, commitment, unity of body and mind, and lifelong commitment, and almost all factors in each other's life are permeated together. Because of simplicity, friendship is generally as light as water, and sometimes it is a matter of life and death; Because of freedom, the boat of friendship may turn over, and maintaining permanent friendship requires special opportunities and character. Eternal friends are rare.
People have parents all their lives and can enjoy their love; Generally, there are spouses, so it is normal to enjoy conjugal love. But it is a rare experience in life to establish a true friendship and enjoy a sincere friendship. Close friends are few, never.
Who enjoys this sincere and long-lasting friendship? There should be several conditions.
First, both sides are equal. Only equal people can have friendship. This kind of equality refers to equality in spirit and personality, not in economic conditions, political and social status, and certainly not in talent and appearance. When Zuo made friends with Tao Shu and Lin Zexu, he was still a civilian in Xiangxiang, Hunan Province, and the other party had already become famous all over the world. For true friendship, external material differences are not obstacles. As long as the two sides understand, appreciate and trust each other, they can have friendship and become friends. The equality of spiritual personality requires that both friends have independent personalities. Only when a person shoulders his own responsibility in life can he love others purely and make real friends. The two sides don't need to become attached, and they don't need to make friends deliberately because of utility. They don't need flattery and refuse it.
Second, the two sides know each other very well, and their world outlook and outlook on life are the same or similar. A friend is a life partner he finds, and a bosom friend who faces the world and life together. Friends form spiritual unity in order to drive away the fear of facing the world alone and avoid the loneliness of having nowhere to complain. Only when the world outlook and outlook on life are the same or similar can people understand, appreciate and support each other. Current events are changing, and ideas are changing. Whenever we find that the basic ideas of both sides are different, we often break up again and again. Ji Kang, a famous man in Wei and Jin Dynasties, wrote a book "Breaking Up with the Mountain Residence", and breaking up with Dan Tao who cares about him wholeheartedly is an example.
Third, the ability to love each other and the quality worthy of love. The ability to love includes the ability to know, understand and appreciate others, as well as the ability to get rid of self-centeredness, regard each other as the purpose and make contributions to each other. People often make friends because the other person has admirable, respectable and even fascinating qualities, skills and ideas. For example, the intimate friends of Yu Boya and Zhong Ziqi, and the hermit friendship of the Seven Sages of Bamboo Forest are all based on the same interests and ideas. The chosen person has quality, and the chosen person can recognize and appreciate it, so that they can become friends. A self-centered and selfish person can't have real friends, and a person without good quality and charm rarely has good friends. It can be said that only people with noble personality can establish and maintain the friendship between friends, and the friendship between friends also appears noble.
If we can develop sincere friendship between parents and children, husband and wife, colleagues and partners, it will be a wonderful thing.