In the era of accelerated social development, all kinds of information rubbish are rampant and poisoned chicken soup is rampant. The rapid development of society has far exceeded the evolution of body and the progress of thought, and many people feel at a loss at this time. Do you:

Tired of the tedious work and life?

Tired of complicated relationships?

Think the meaning of life is becoming more and more vague and difficult to see?

How to get real happiness with your own hands in complicated daily chores and complicated interpersonal relationships?

The answer to all this is in this book "the courage to be hated"!

The "courage to be hated" is not to attract the negative energy of being hated, but to say: If this is the most beautiful glory in my life, then even if there is the possibility of being hated, I will go there with my own hands and feet.

Adler's thought has the power to change a person's life, and the rest depends on whether you can summon up the courage to take a step.

Core content

We are in a rapidly changing era, where knowledge is constantly iterative, competition is getting bigger and bigger, and life pressure is getting bigger and bigger. It is difficult for working people to throw three balls in their hands harmoniously, and they can't cope with one thing and lose another. Do you often feel that you are not free, locked by the shackles of life, and you can't escape without opening it?

For example, if you are the project manager of Party B, do you often encounter unreasonable demand changes from Party A, which are harmful to the project itself and the overall interests of the company? At this time, most novice or weak project managers may refuse because they can't open their mouths, thus passively accepting unreasonable changes, putting themselves in a dilemma, and ultimately affecting the project cost and the controllability of the whole project. Or as a product manager, after doing a lot of user research, you put forward a development requirement. Perhaps it is difficult for this functional development team to add many classes to complete. Therefore, they start to be careless with you, and may even say that you are making demands blindly. Even if you do this function, it is useless, and it is not a waste of time in the end. At this time, will you choose to trust your own judgment, or give up this function because you are afraid of being hated by diss? It is not uncommon to face such an annoying situation in work and life. This reminds me of Qipa's statement that the boss doesn't like me. Should I resign? At that time, Yang Tianzhen's answer hit the nail on the head made people applaud. He said that the workplace needs love rat mentality, because the workplace is not an idol drama, and no overbearing president falls in love with you. With love rat's mentality, you can easily lift your weight at work and become the most popular person in the team. Of course, love rat mentality does not mean that you should be a bad person, but that you should keep your own possibility and have the courage to be hated.

When I heard that Yang Tianzhen argued this topic from the boss's point of view with a sharp point of view, many netizens bluntly said that it took decades to understand that being a man and a little scum can bring more happiness, which is also the courage to be hated. The so-called freedom you want to tell us is to dare to be hated. This sentence seems a bit counterintuitive. But don't get me wrong, Adler doesn't mean to make you a hated person, but that one must have the courage to succeed and get rid of the shackles of other people's expectations and eyes, even if he is hated for it.

After reading this book, I have a strong feeling that it is very appropriate to reread Adler's thoughts in our present era. Because in this era, the speed of updating iterations is too fast, both in technology and ideas. Many people are bound by so-called pressure or achievements and think they are unhappy. Adler will tell you that your success and happiness have nothing to do with others, and everything depends on yourself. As we often say, eggs break from the outside is food, and break from the inside is growth. Adler's thought will help you build a happy system from the inside and give you the courage to live a happy life in this rapidly developing era.

Next, the essence of this book is briefly described from two aspects. First, what is the root cause of our unhappiness? Second, how to have the courage to be hated and find that free and happy state. First, let's look at the first part.

Who caused our misfortune? What is the root of these troubles? Adler believes that all our troubles come from interpersonal relationships, and it is not the past experience that determines our present situation, but the meaning we give it. In other words, everything you have now is your own choice. Do you feel confused after listening to this explanation? Are all our misfortunes of our own making? Before answering this question, it is necessary for us to talk about one of Adler's core ideas, that is, you can make your own choices. Specifically, your life is not given by others, but you choose it yourself. Your choice has nothing to do with anyone else or your past experience. This is the most fundamental difference between Adler and Freud. For example, in this book, the author mentioned a young man. Let's call him Xiao Leng. Xiao Leng has been hiding in his room and hasn't been out for many years. Although he really wants to change himself and go out to live and work like a normal person, he is afraid of leaving the room, and his hands and feet will tremble and feel uncomfortable when he goes out. Xiao Leng also said that he wanted to change, but he just couldn't. Hearing this, I guess your first reaction may be how this person is so unfortunate. Who caused this? Have you ever suffered psychological trauma before, such as family reasons or being bullied at school? But Adler doesn't think so. Adler said that if we blindly use past reasons to explain things, we will fall into an absolute judgment. Our present, and even our future, are determined by past experiences and cannot be changed at all. This view is called causality. Contrary to the cause theory, Adler advocated teleology. Teleology holds that this person can't go out, not because of his past experience, but because he doesn't want to go out. How do you say this? You think if Xiao Leng doesn't go out for a long time, people around him will definitely care more about him and try their best to help him. But if he were a normal person, he might not get such attention. Of course, it may be because she really doesn't want to go out at all. In short, Xiao Leng can't go out because he has the purpose of not going out first, and then he has the symptoms of anxiety and so on. These emotions and symptoms are not fake, but his body's response to adapt to his purpose. This is the teleology of Adler psychology.

Through this example, briefly review this core idea of Adler. Adler said that the reason why you are unhappy now is precisely because you have chosen misfortune yourself. The reason why you can't change is because you have made up your mind not to change. To put it bluntly, it is actually a lack of courage to change. From this perspective, Adler's psychology is also a correct psychological method about courage. The classic "Knocking Down the Wall in the Mind" once said that a girl is often teased by her male colleagues because of the gap between her teeth. She was too sad for Lian Xiao to laugh, for fear of showing her teeth. He thinks it is the gap between her teeth that makes her the laughing stock of others. But even if he agrees with this answer, male colleagues should laugh or laugh, and feel inferior or inferior; In desperation, he found himself asking for help. The classical concept says: The next time a male colleague laughs at you, you spit a mouthful of water through your teeth and spray him. The girl did it, and the male colleague finally converged. In fact, the teeth are equivalent to the girl's past. When she chose to attribute the unhappiness in the workplace to her teeth, she lived in the past and got into trouble. But when it focuses on the present, it is easy to think about how to resolve the ridicule of male colleagues. Having said that, we understand that in the face of difficulties, we should mobilize positive forces and find ways to resolve them, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and living in sadness or anger. In psychology, there is a famous Festinger's rule that 10% of events in life are made up of what happens to you, and the other 90% is determined by your reaction to things. This is also a fact.

Second, interpersonal relationship is the root of all troubles. Maybe you should ask. Obviously, there are all kinds of troubles in my life. For example, at the end of the year, the child was beaten by two stars. He fought with his classmates at school yesterday and gained ten pounds this year. How to say that interpersonal relationship is the source of all troubles? Don't worry, let's make an extreme imagination first. If you were the only one in the world, would you feel bored? The answer is no, if there is only one person in the world, all right and wrong, good and evil, beauty and ugliness are up to you. Without contrast, even birth and death can't be called trouble. So Adler said that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships. For example, it is said that Adler's height is only 1.55 meters, which makes him depressed. But is there really any objective disadvantage in the height of 1.55 meters? Actually, it's not. For example, the height of 1.7 meters is medium in the south and short in the north. Whether we are tall or short depends on our comparison with the people around us. Then the same concepts of wealth and poverty, Excellence and mediocrity all come from comparison. Andler is ashamed of his height, and this is the result of comparison. When there is no disadvantage objectively, there is a sense of inferiority subjectively. In other words, it is not the objective facts that bother us with inferiority, but the subjective explanation. Being tall can be understood as very daunting. That short man can also be understood as having affinity. The greatest advantage of subjectivity is that you can choose freely, that is, the right to re-choose as we said before is always in your own hands. I have seen Adler's masterpiece "Inferiority and Transcendence" before, and he thinks that inferiority is a source of motivation for human beings to constantly pursue Excellence. Inferiority makes people feel their own shortcomings all the time, so they keep trying to make progress. But you may want to say that you met many people in that life. They become particularly negative because of their inferiority complex. When they obviously didn't do anything, they decided they couldn't do it. It's harder than anything to make them change. What happened? Adler said that this situation should not be called inferiority complex, but inferiority complex. For example, in the workplace, some people think that they have low academic qualifications and cannot be reused by the company. Adler believes that people who have this idea actually attribute their failure to be reused to objective reasons, not their own reasons. The argument that you can't do B because you have A is a kind of inferiority complex. Moreover, Adler emphasized that this inferiority complex is your own choice. The other extreme of inferiority complex is superiority. Just as we often say that there is inferiority behind conceited people, those who speak loudly and show their Excellence are immersed in a false sense of superiority. Adler believes that inferiority and false superiority are all due to competition in interpersonal relationships. And sound competition should not compete with anyone, but from the comparison with your ideal self, as long as you keep moving forward. For example, my ideal is to be a product manager, which is my ideal self, but at this stage my ability is not enough to support me to become a product manager. If I can't be a product manager because of my poor communication and expression skills, I can't accept an incompetent self. Then this is inferiority complex, an imperfect inferiority complex. If I think so, because my communication skills are not good, I will study and practice, strive to improve my communication skills and move forward towards my ideal self. This is a sound sense of inferiority. In this regard, you can take a detailed look at my previous article "Inferiority and Transcendence" for the interpretation of this book. So you will be annoyed to see anyone in this complex social network. So Adler said that people's troubles all come from interpersonal relationships. I'm afraid there is only one person in the universe who wants to get rid of troubles.

To sum it up briefly. Adler believes that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships, and it is not the past experience that determines our present situation, but the meaning we give it. Everything you are now is your own choice. From what has been said above, we know what makes us unhappy.

As we said before, in Adler's view, true freedom is the courage to be hated by others. You can think about it, if everyone likes you, then the reverse push means that you please everyone and care about everyone's evaluation of you, and then you live in the evaluation of others, so you lose yourself. This is certainly not a state of freedom and happiness. And in reality, it is almost impossible for anyone to be liked by everyone. On the other hand, if you don't seek others' approval, that is to say, even if others hate you, you are not afraid to keep your inner peace and calm. Live according to your own wishes, and you will live your own life, which is true freedom. Therefore, from the point of view that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships, Adler believes that in order to get happiness, we must make changes in both psychological and operational aspects.

Some people engage in careers they don't like at all in order to fulfill their parents' wishes. Some people get married and have children in a hurry because of the urging of their elders, and have to bear bad family relations. Others want to be recognized by their leading colleagues so much that they work hard at the expense of their own health. Behind these illiberal choices is the pursuit of identity, in order to meet other people's expectations of life. Adler Psychology firmly denies seeking approval from others. He emphasized that we ultimately live for ourselves, and you don't need to meet the expectations of others, and others don't need to meet your expectations. If you blindly seek others' approval and care about others' comments, you will eventually live in others' lives. When you stop seeking others' approval psychologically, you should not be afraid of being hated, that is, dare to say no to things that people don't like. Since we can't win everyone's love, what you need to do is to find out what you really want in life. Then follow the path you want and go on firmly.

In 2004, Liu founded 12 stores under the multimedia line, with sales of 890 million yuan. According to the previous plan, 500 stores will be opened in the future, with Suning and Gome as the reference. The future is bright, the business model is clear, and there is foreseeable profit space. At this point, Liu decided to stop developing a good offline business and transform into a pure online e-commerce. His idea was opposed by almost all employees with good reason. At that time, the internet penetration rate was not high, many people didn't have computers, and online orders were not reliable. At that time, online sales only accounted for 5% of the company. Nobody knows how big the market is. However, Liu showed his extraordinary courage. He squeezed through the crowd, closed offline stores and tried to suppress e-commerce. Later, several key points of JD. The development of COM, such as the strategic planning of self-built logistics and the strategy of expanding various product lines, has also been unanimously opposed by investors, all of which have been implemented because of Liu's determination. It can be said that without Liu's courage and persistence, there would be no future. It can be seen that to succeed, it is not enough to have a correct judgment, but also to see if you can stand firm and stand firm, which is valuable. The CEOs of all great companies have a paranoid side, such as Jobs, Musk and Liu Heren. Facebook investor Rimilner has invested in the founders of companies worth billions of dollars, such as Zuckerberg, Liu and Lei Jun. He said that the CEOs of these super unicorns are paranoid and powerful, and they are by no means stable. Super professionals may be able to manage and lead a team, knowing both products and cultural management. If he is not paranoid and confident, he will be a tens of billions of dollars company. Andy Grove, the legendary president of Intel, said that it is a truth that only paranoia can survive. Similarly, if a person cares too much about other people's opinions, is afraid of being hated and criticized, and hesitates to make a breakthrough when doing things, then he will definitely lose the opportunity for progress and development.

Novice PM shared an experience about how to realize the gorgeous turn from technical backbone to management elite. Hu Liang said that when she first became a project manager, she didn't dare to assign difficult and arduous tasks to her subordinates. Instead, she preferred to undertake these tasks herself to gain the support of team members. What's more, a team member broke the rules, and he was embarrassed to point it out and criticize it easily. He just wants to say something positive and encouraging, and he doesn't even dare to severely criticize those who don't perform well at work. As a result, Party A, who once cooperated with a large multinational company, has just been sent directly from Japan to China, and communication is extremely difficult. Because there were many stakeholders involved at that time, the members of the project team also came from many departments. Mr. Hu thinks that as a newly transformed project manager, he has not gained a firm foothold, so he is not very confident. He is afraid that being too strict will make people hate him, and he is also afraid that things will not be done well and affect project delivery. So many times, I do it by myself, so I don't have to be too strict with the team. After a long time, a series of problems will appear. Team members are passively tired, shirking, lacking sense of responsibility and cooperation, which leads to poor product quality, low work efficiency and poor team performance. This, in turn, aggravated the atmosphere within the team, with unclear goals and their own battles. In short, it is caught in a vicious circle. At this time, if the boss wants to find someone to be accountable, it is of course the project manager Hu Liang. For example, I want to tell you that work and life are your own, and you must be responsible for it yourself. No matter what others say, you will bear all the consequences in the end. So we need to be brave to be ourselves, even if we are hated and fearless.

As Jobs said, your time is limited, so don't live for others, don't be limited by dogma, don't live in other people's ideas, don't let other people's opinions affect your inner voice, and the most important thing is to bravely pursue your own heart and intuition. Only your heart and intuition know what you really think, and everything else is secondary.

First, you need to choose to change. Too many people in this world can't find the courage to change their lifestyle, because it is easier and more secure to maintain the status quo than the pain and uncertainty caused by change. Some time ago, Wang Ge came to see me for dinner, and started drinking in the middle of it, crying and saying that he hated his present job. It turned out that in the past two years, he worked as a middle manager in a listed company. Originally, he followed the team. As a result, he was transferred to other projects and joined a new circle alone. Now the project is not satisfactory, and the top leader has changed several times. During the epidemic, his performance has not improved. He worked overtime for a month, and at the end of the month, he was deducted more than 2000 because his performance was not completed. Many employees below are veterans of this project. Seeing that he is not pleasing to the eye, he is not active and uncooperative, and it is difficult to carry out his work. I finally brought some new people. I have just received instructions from the leader to lay off all the new recruits. Brother Wang is very depressed in this workplace relationship. She wants to change the status quo and think of quitting. But he calmed down and hesitated, considering that he had to support his wife and children, it was difficult to find a job in his thirties, and there would be no financial difficulties in the future. Therefore, Wang Ge has neither changed the status quo nor changed his mentality, and still lives in complaints and distress every day. He is more willing to bear the dissatisfaction caused by the status quo than the anxiety of finding a job again after resigning. After all, people will subconsciously choose their familiar lifestyle, because they have long been accustomed to everything in their familiar life, including those bad things, and even those bad situations can be predicted in advance. So they will be psychologically prepared and have familiar countermeasures. If you want to leave your familiar environment to face a brand-new way of life, then everything is unknown, and no one is willing to accept these challenges, so it takes a lot of courage to face the new environment. But if you are a person who is trying to overcome challenges, if you are a person who is uneasy about the status quo and struggling to climb another peak in life, you need to have the courage to take the initiative to choose change. The curtain of the stage of life may open at any time. The key is to see whether you are willing to change or choose to avoid it.

Second, the separation of objects. Most of the troubles in the world come from interfering with other people's objects or interfering with their own objects. Learning to separate objects is the best medicine to solve interpersonal problems. The separation of things is to find out who will bear the consequences of a certain choice in the end. Look at the object of your life separately from others. At the same time, don't interfere with other people's objects. In fact, this is a change of thinking. In a word, whoever makes trouble is responsible. Everyone should be responsible for what he should be responsible for, not what others are responsible for. This is actually an important concept in management. Do a good job of division of labor, for example, have you ever encountered such a situation, you have to report the plan to the boss, you are fully prepared, there are many highlights to talk about, but the boss is not satisfied. If you catch up with the boss in a bad mood and the boss is angry, you may become a coward in a second and have nothing to say. Obviously, a good plan is prevarication. However, if you think about it with the idea of object separation, the boss is in a bad mood because he is not satisfied with your plan. That's his mood, and that's what the boss needs to solve himself. And your task is to present the content you have prepared to the boss clearly and completely. When the boss and his target are clearly distinguished, you can concentrate on your own expression and explanation without worrying too much about the boss's mood. Think about what the boss is thinking, what is his dissatisfaction, and is his dissatisfaction his misunderstanding? How should you explain this plan? Even if the boss is in a bad mood or misunderstood your plan, even if he is not in the mood to listen now, you can explain it to him another day. There is absolutely no need to be completely speechless because the boss is angry.

The division of labor we just talked about is not to put other people's troubles on ourselves. Another concept of division of labor is not to put my troubles on others, that is, to turn my thinking of being responsible for other people's suffering into my thinking of being responsible for me. For example, we sometimes cooperate with Party B, because Party B is unreliable, which leads to the unsmooth progress of our project and is scolded by the leaders. At this time, our thinking should not be that the project is not smooth because Party B is unreliable, but that the project is not smooth because I can't take Party B. Then will we think about how to find a better way to cooperate with Party B? In short, if you feel that all the pain is caused by each other and only they can be responsible, then you are trapped. If you want to change the status quo, you must understand that this is your own trouble and you need to find a solution. At this time, your heart will become active, free from the dilemma of waiting for the other party to change and regain the initiative.

Feng Tang said that there are two very important issues in life, one is none of my business, and the other is none of your business. Recognizing these two problems clearly and separating the object from the object can help us unload a lot of ideological burdens and do our responsible things easily. At the same time, you can also take active actions to solve problems, change the status quo and make your state better and better. No matter from which point of view, if you master the initiative in interpersonal relationships such as workplace and family, life will definitely become relaxed and happy.

A lot.

Third, construct * * * isomorphism. The above-mentioned object separation, no longer seeking approval, is not afraid of being hated. I don't mean that we should be independent of the world from now on, but we should build a sense of * * * that I can contribute to others. What is * * * empathy? In fact, what we are talking about is a sense of continuous contribution, which can be used by families, schools and companies. In your family, your happiness comes from being needed by your family. In the company, you can create value for the enterprise and feel happy. Then how to establish the feeling of * * * syncope? Adler said that the following three key words are needed: self-acceptance, trust of others and contribution of others.

Let's look at it one by one.

The first is self-acceptance. I think you must have this feeling that you are in a completely different state in front of people and when you are alone. For example, if you dare not speak in a meeting, you are always afraid that you will be laughed at if you say something bad, and you dare not make a joke in front of strangers. But when the camera switches to be alone, can we let ourselves go without any burden?

The reason behind the contrast between the two different States is that we can't accept our true selves and dare not show our true selves in front of others. But we can't throw away or replace my container, so we must accept the imperfect things that I can't replace and accept the reality of me. Then focus on the things that can be changed and show the courage to change. This is self-acceptance

Let's look at the second keyword. Does the trust of others mean trusting others? No, trust is not equal to credit, and credit has attached conditions. For example, if we need to provide mortgage for a bank loan, financial institutions will evaluate our repayment ability and then lend it to us. But Adler believes that the basis of interpersonal relationship is not credit, but trust, that is, trust without any conditions. Because if you can't trust others, you can't build a deep relationship with anyone in the end. Betrayed, occasionally painful. Which is better than the pain of never having friends? I don't have to say it. When we show the courage to trust others and have a deep affection, the fun of interpersonal relationships will increase, and the fun of life will also increase. When we achieve self-acceptance and place unconditional trust in others, others will become partners at this time. When we regard others as partners, we can find our place in the same body, that is, we can get a sense of belonging here.

Let's talk about the third keyword. The contribution of others, as a partner, is the contribution of others. However, it should be noted that Adler said that the contribution of the other is not self-sacrifice, but a method adopted to realize its own value. For example, Elon Musk, I think it is a typical contribution of others. Whether spacex or Tesla, everyone talks about it in business. More importantly, the birth of spacex and Tesla did not have the slogan of making money from the beginning. Spacex was founded because he saw that NASA had no plan for humans to land on Mars, and he had a strong desire for this plan, so he decided to start a company to help humans land on Mars. This company is called spacex, and the reason for investing in Tesla is simpler. Tesla's company is particularly unhappy in its development. This dissatisfaction is understood as lack of funds. So the founder of Tesla found Elon Musk and talked with him about the fuel vehicle that emits the most carbon dioxide, which has seriously polluted our home. Our company doesn't take fuel cars, only electric cars. Now there is a problem, that is, there is no capital. I hope you can invest in our company. Luo mansker was excited when he heard the plan. However, this car has just come out, its battery life is not good, its price is expensive, consumers don't pay the bill, and it needs constant investment. Musk has no choice but to continue investing. In the end, he invested almost all his fortune, even on the verge of bankruptcy, and finally pulled through.

The happiest moment for people is undoubtedly to create self-worth for the world and get corresponding income at the same time. Such a person's physiology should be one of the happy lives. These are the three key words to establish the sense of * * *, self-acceptance, trust of others and contribution of others. The three of them are an indispensable whole. It is because we accept who we really are that we can trust others without fear of betrayal. It is precisely because we trust others unconditionally and regard others as our partners that we can make contributions to others. At the same time, because I have made contributions to others, we can further realize that I am useful to others, and then accept the true self and realize self-acceptance.

The above two methods, instead of seeking psychological approval and not being afraid of being hated, choose to make changes in action, learn to separate objects and construct the feeling of * * *, which is the secret of having the courage to be hated and gaining freedom and happiness in complicated daily chores and complicated interpersonal relationships. At this point, the theme of the annoying courage book is basically over.

First of all, Adler believes that all troubles come from interpersonal relationships, and it is not the past experience that determines our present situation, but the meaning we give it. Everything you are now is your own choice. Secondly, how to have the courage to be hated and get freedom and happiness needs to be changed at the psychological and action levels. Psychologically, you need to stop seeking approval and not be afraid of being hated. In action, we must first choose to make changes, but also learn to separate objects and construct the feeling of * * *. In the era of accelerated social development, all kinds of information rubbish and poisoned chicken soup, the rapid development of society has far exceeded the evolution of body and the progress of thought. Many people feel at a loss at this time. At this time, we need to calm down, go deep into our hearts, observe ourselves, know ourselves and think about ourselves. As an ordinary person, what do you want to bring you real happiness?

Secondly, there are many things worth pondering in the book "Nasty Courage". Some people say that you don't really understand Adler's psychology until you change your lifestyle. In other words, if you start to learn at the age of 40, you can only learn at the age of 60. But learning in the morning and evening is a process that needs constant efforts. After all, if you work hard from now on, the worst result will just be a late bloomer. Finally, I'll give you this sentence from the book. Each of us has our own special value and mission. You don't need to please anyone, but you need the courage to be hated. In the process of being hated, you may lose something, but you can get real freedom, because you will pay more attention to you at this moment and live every day seriously.

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