Clue:
In the movie If You Are the One, the hero played by Ge You is dating a young woman. Is that right? That thing? Women are not interested at all. ? It's so interesting. When the woman said this, the audience laughed and said that everyone regarded her as a freak and a sick person, but they didn't know that there really was a group in the world: asexual love, as common as homosexuality.
Annie, a female photographer born in 1980s, has a red skirt, fine eyebrows, long straight hair, a small figure and honey skin. If she shows up at the bar bar alone, usually within half an hour, boys will come over and strike up a conversation.
This is a beautiful girl who is easily tempted. But getting close to her is not easy.
She? Secret? Hidden in the thin black ring of the middle finger of the right hand.
This is like a kind of magic, which makes her different from most people on this planet; At the same time, it is also like a small launch tower, silently and stubbornly sending a signal for her to find the same kind.
Little a's world
What's the message of the black ring? Hello, am I asexual? In asexual circles, especially in Europe and America, wearing a black ring on the middle finger of the right hand is recognized as a distinctive symbol of identity.
In English, the word for asexual love is asexual. In the Chinese world, Anne and her asexual peers often call themselves small; In the English-speaking world, asexuals call themselves Ace. When they have a party, there is usually a small flag with spades or hearts on the table.
In addition, cake is also one of the signs of asexual love. In the sexless forum, I often see cake pictures, meaning? Why not eat cake and have sex? This is an absurd declaration they throw out to this world full of sex.
At present, the concept of asexual love is little known in China. In the three years when Anne wore the black ring, she never met the little A she knew. Annie's dates are always about sex.
It is not easy to explain what asexual love is, just as it is difficult to get Muggles to admit that wizards exist.
After Anne tells the boy who is chasing her that she is asexual, the first reaction of the other person is often to exclaim aloud: You don't like men and women. Don't you love anyone?
? Let me explain, in fact, asexual love just doesn't feel sexually attracted and doesn't want to have sex with others. Many asexual relationships also love others, and they also like the opposite sex, the same sex or both sexes spiritually. ? After Anne said this, the other party often became curious. Since there is no sex, is there a difference between your love and friendship? There are differences. For example, some asexuals will accept hugging and holding hands with their lovers, but not with their friends. ?
After several rounds of communication, someone will still tell Annie: sex is human instinct, you can't be asexual, you just haven't met the right person. ? Why don't you just say it if you're brave? I'll turn you into a sex man. Well, for those with thin skin, I suggest Annie go to the hospital for professional treatment.
? Some sexual partners seem unwilling to believe that asexual love is a normal existence, which is not the result of sexual apathy or impotence, nor is it the result of sexual assault and physical and mental trauma. Bottom line: asexual love is not a disease and does not need treatment. ? Anne was very depressed about it at one time. At that time, I would think, why am I asexual? I have no choice but to learn to accept others' incomprehension and accept that I am different from others. ?
As common as homosexuality.
Even in academic circles, the research on asexual love has just started, which belongs to the field of minority unpopular research. Scholars mainly come from psychology, sociology, sexology, gender studies and other disciplines.
Half a century ago? Father of sexology? Alfred. Is Dr. Kinsey aware of the existence of someone? Asexual love? Tendency, but did not conduct in-depth research. In his sexual orientation research reports of 1948 and 1953, he pointed out that there are people who have no sexual relationship and sexual response, and created a brand-new independent classification for them? x？ . He believes that 1.5% of adults have sexual orientation. x？ .
Since then, some people have been studying asexual love in academic circles, and Anthony, a psychology professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada, really brought asexual love into public view. Anthony bogart. In 2004, he found that in a survey report on sexual attraction published by 1994 in Britain, 1% of the surveyed 18876 British residents said that they could not feel sexual attraction from anyone.
Based on this, Bogert published a paper and put forward the definition of asexual love? I don't feel any sexual attraction. It is estimated that asexual love accounts for about 1% of the world population. According to this ratio, 70 million people in the world are asexual. Two years later, he published a new paper, emphasizing that asexual love is not a physical or psychological obstacle. In 20 12, he published a book "understanding asexual love", in which he said that asexual love may be as common as homosexuality statistically.
Compared with homosexuality, the public's awareness of asexuality is undoubtedly much lower. Homosexuality at least fits? Everyone needs sex? The mainstream idea is that the object of desire is the same sex, while asexual love deviates further from the mainstream. Li Yinhe, a famous sexologist in China, said that most love is often sexually attractive, but if someone likes this non-sexual state, why not? Since I like it, let's live like this. Society will become more and more inclusive and diversified, and one day everyone will not be surprised. ?
I love you, just not that kind of love.
Many asexuals don't know they are asexuals. Anne was one of the early self-awakens, but it took a long time to identify with her asexual identity.
She first realized that she was different from others around her when she was in high school. At that time, all the girls in the class would fall in love with that handsome guy and drool over who to throw down. At best, she thinks a boy is good-looking, but she never thinks about who to contact. Some boys chased her, saying that she was sexy and made people excited. She can't understand each other's thoughts at all.
She fell in love when she was in college, and her boyfriend was far away in Europe. They also talked about sex, but because they were in different places, they were just on paper and had no practical experience.
She really explored her sexual orientation after breaking up with her first love. At that time, the new boy was in the local area, and it was natural for the other person to have a deep love for rolling sheets, but she had no desire.
? What exactly does it mean to want someone physically? She searched online for sexual psychology knowledge and found Aven (Asexual Visibility and Education Network), which is the most famous publicity and popular science forum in the world.
AVEN was founded by David, a freshman in American University, at the age of 200 19. David Jay, he hopes to provide a communication platform for asexual love, so that the public can understand and accept asexual love. When AVEN was founded, there were only more than 50 registered people. 13 years later, this number has exceeded 80,000.
Annie exclaimed after carefully reading the introduction of asexual love in the forum? Is this me? But I'm still a little uncertain. Could it be that someone who can interest me in sex hasn't appeared yet?
The problem is that since then, she has met a handsome man with a good figure and a higher rate of turning back on the road than her, but she still has no idea of catching up with each other except hoping to be closer. ? Such a sexy person can't make me interested in sex. Who else can? She began to accept the fact that she was asexual. Feel the dust settled? I gradually understand that in the world of sexual love, love and sex are linked. They will think that you have no desire for them, but you don't like them enough, and your heart will be lost? She wants to say. I love you, just not that kind of love. ?
? Would it be better to find the same kind?
She registered in the international asexual dating community, and after browsing the dating posts, she gave up the idea of finding someone only in the small A circle. ? I have requirements in personality, hobbies, looks, life and eating habits. If I have to find asexual love, the range of options is too small and the efficiency is too low. ?
That insurmountable gap
Like Anne, Gu Hong confirmed that she was asexual by browsing AVEN's popular science articles and forum discussion posts.
She is 28 years old and has been in love for a year and a half. ? First love at the age of 26. For girls in China, it seems normal that they are not interested in sex before they have a love experience. Everyone thinks that they will naturally be interested after falling in love. But not with me. ? She thinks her boyfriend is handsome and charming, and praises his figure, but she just has no desire to have sex with him. At first, she thought it might be because she had no asexual experience before, and it might take a process to get interested in sex. The problem is that she has never been interested in sex appeal. But she usually agrees to her boyfriend's request for rolling sheets.
She explained that some asexuals can satisfy each other through sex because they are not disgusted with sex. But some asexuals are very disgusted with sex. They don't want to have sex with anyone, or even have intimate physical contact with others, such as holding hands and hugging. She belongs to the former. Although she voluntarily doesn't want to have sex, she can cooperate with her boyfriend. ? For example, just like an activity, you don't want to do it yourself, but if your friends invite you, you can have a good time. But if your friends call you every day, you are likely to get bored. ?
She thinks she is luckier than many other asexuals. Gu Hong's boyfriend was not surprised to learn that she was asexual. Think the long-standing puzzle has been solved? . In order to get to know Gu Hong better, he later registered AVEN.
At the beginning of 20 13, they got married. After marriage, they still occasionally have sexual problems. Sad on both sides? Gu Hong's husband values passion and intimacy in sex, and hopes that she can take the initiative and sometimes enjoy sex more. Gu Hong sighed with emotion,? In the relationship between asexual love and sexual love, there is always an insurmountable gap. Sex requires not only sex, but also passionate sex, and asexual love can't satisfy each other in passion because it doesn't have that instinctive desire. ?
But on the whole, Gu Hong is satisfied with her married life. We are learning to accept the gender differences between the two sides, which cannot be changed and is not the fault of either side. Just like some other couples who have different personalities or living habits, friction will inevitably occur, but as long as it does not seriously affect their feelings, both sides can understand each other and compromise with each other, which can still be solved. ?
There are also a few asexuals who find their own kind as partners. David, the founder of AVEN, is now with a asexual girl. They kissed, hugged and slept together, but they didn't have sex. None of us have the will? .
? You don't even have desires. Are you still a man?
In addition to running in with lovers, another problem that puzzles asexual love is how to make parents accept their asexual identity. Like homosexuality, asexual love also calls for public identity coming out.
Pan, the leader of Douban's asexual group, is a Chengdu girl who is worried about how to come out with her parents. Even if I did, most of them wouldn't understand, and they would still urge me to find someone to marry. .
The post-90s boy has walked out of the wardrobe. In June this year, he called his parents and told them that he was asexual, that is, he liked the same sex, although he didn't want to have sex with the same sex.
Before speaking, he estimated that he would talk to his parents for a long time, so he specially moved a chair to the telephone booth downstairs in the dormitory and sat down to call home. I was so nervous that my whole stomach twitched when I said it, but his parents' reaction on the other end of the phone was very dull until he said it? No more children? This sentence, parents nervously interrupted him. What are you talking about? I feel that my parents don't care much about whether I am asexual or not. They only care about whether I have children in the future and whether it will affect their grandchildren. ?
Thinking about the future, Yoko has a lot of worries. 20 1 1 year, AVEN and other asexual communities jointly conducted a survey, and the results showed that the number of asexual women was far more than that of men. The proportion of people who like the same sex in asexual love is also much lower than that of people who like the opposite sex. This means that Yoko's asexual love for men is a minority. Without desire, it may become a big problem for me to fall in love in the future, especially for a man with the same-sex romantic tendency? .
As asexual love, the situation of men is indeed more difficult than that of women. Li Wei, born in 1980, still remembers what his ex-wife said. You don't even have desires. Are you a man?
He met his ex-wife on a blind date, and it was their first love. Before that, he only had a crush on girls when he was a student. He stressed that he married his ex-wife out of love, but also admitted that his parents forced him to get married after only a few months of dating.
He has no feelings for sex, but he wants to have children. When his wife finally got pregnant, his intimate contact with her only stopped at kissing. After a long time, his wife suspected that he was either gay or having an affair. They had a fierce quarrel. His wife cried all night, and he was silent all night. In the second year after marriage, his unbearable wife divorced him.
After the divorce, one day he browsed the news on the website and saw? Asexual love? This word, I checked the relevant popular science websites, lived for 32 years, and finally knew who I was. .
In foreign countries, some asexuals will give birth to a child through IVF or adoption. ? If I knew I was asexual earlier, I might not be in a hurry to get married, and I would find a girl who can accept asexual love. ? Li Wei said.
You can be happy without sex.
In asexual circles, like Levi? Marriage, sexual disharmony, divorce? This situation is not uncommon. After reading some similar conversation posts on the forum, Anne decided to live a good life alone if she couldn't find the right person.
But just a few months ago, Annie fell in love. She met her boyfriend online, and they are in love with each other. When we met offline for the first time, he politely praised Anne's black ring for its simplicity and elegance, and Anne conveniently told him the meaning behind the ring. ? He was a little worried at first, but because he liked me very much, he officially dated me. Later, my frankness and hard communication completely dispelled his doubts. ? Anne's situation is similar to that of Gu Hong. She won't take the initiative to stop her boyfriend, but she can cooperate with each other's sexual requirements. We are happy together now? .
Anne and Gu Hong joined the asexual group of Douban. Many people in the group have misunderstandings about the concept of asexual love, and people in the group often ask? Am I asexual? There are also homosexuals who come to the group to recruit people to get married, probably because they think that asexual love does not need sexual life, so they don't have to fulfill their sexual obligations in marriage, and they feel less guilty than looking for sex.
Because I hope to help asexuals know themselves by popularizing the knowledge of asexual love, and let asexuals know how to treat asexual love around them correctly, they each translated some foreign asexual science posts and posted them in the group, so they noticed each other's existence and became netizens.
In addition to doing asexual science in Douban, Gu Hong gave three lectures on asexual knowledge at his current American university.
Is there an audience listening to her? Does asexual love need masturbation? I was very surprised. Isn't asexual love without sexual desire? Gu Hong explained: Some asexual love will have pure physical desire, but only through masturbation, they don't want to have sex with others. For sex, masturbation is just a physical release, which can't satisfy their psychological needs for sex.
? Within the asexual group, each asexual group has different attitudes and feelings towards sex. Just like some people have high sexual desire, some people have low sexual desire, some people are conservative about sex, and some people are open. After all, everyone is different, and any two people need to work together. Even sexual people's feelings are not necessarily smooth sailing. Long-term relationship needs to consider the degree of conformity of life goals, lifestyles, political views, personality collocation and other factors, and sexual harmony is only one of them. From this perspective, the relationship between asexual love and sex is similar. ?
Both Gu Hong and Anne advised asexuals to treat their sexual orientation with a normal heart. ? Asexuality is only a small part of you, just like you have blue eyes. It can't decide your life. You can be as happy as everyone else. ?