chapter five

San Mao, who dropped out of school, was unhappy all day. Taking her to see a doctor, the doctor gave her an IQ of only 60, which is close to the level of an imbecile.

Xiao Sanmao belongs to her world, just that Japanese house, mom and dad, brother and sister who came back from school. But even these people, she will never take the initiative to contact. Facing the street entrance means nothing to her, because she has no way to go in the street.

Sanmao's only activity is to stroll on the concrete floor of the yard in the afternoon when no one is around. Roller skates, on the concrete floor, slide out with a harsh voice, monotonous. The teenager who couldn't turn out of the circle locked all his worries in this small yard and kept silent.

When she dropped out of school, Chen Siqing once transferred Sanmao to an American school and sent her to learn flower arrangement, piano and Chinese painting. All these painstaking efforts have failed, and nothing can get Sanmao out of the shackles. Parents have exhausted all their love and patience, but they can't find the crux of Sanmao's autism. Psychotherapy once a week only makes Sanmao more resistant. Later, Sanmao never went out again. Until her sister's birthday, Sanmao "met" a painting.

Sanmao actually loves art all his life. Her love for art first sprouted in primary school.

San Mao hung upside down on the horizontal bar that day until he had a nosebleed. When she wiped her nosebleed with her sleeve, an officer stationed in Sanmao School happened to pass by. Seeing this, she asked Sanmao to go to the room behind the auditorium with him and wipe her face with a towel. The officer wiped his face, and Sanmao stopped. At that moment, she saw a newspaper-sized photo hanging on his plywood wall. There is a girl's angelic face in the picture, and I can't tell how beautiful it is.

The inner shock, as San Mao described in Love of a Life, "is like the agitation when I just killed a dog, and a sea of Wang Yang emerges, which is irreplaceable by any words ... just like being frightened, even more terrible than the dog's whining." That kind of fright is brought by the beauty of the picture. Through this painting, Sanmao first understood what beauty is.

The first album that Sanmao read was given to him by his second cousin Chen, and it was a masterpiece of Picasso, a great Spanish painter.

Chen lives with Sanmao's family because his parents are going to Hong Kong for a while. Chen fell in love with music when he was in high school. Determined to be a composer, he refused to go to an ordinary school and tore up his student ID card in front of Sanmao's father. The adults had to follow him anxiously and send him to Xiao erhua as a private school student. Later, Chen really realized his childhood dream and became a composer.

Sanmao dropped out of school on the second day, following in the footsteps of his second cousin. Two children who dropped out of school together, like two black sheep, became good friends and often studied music and art together.

Sanmao marveled at Picasso's paintings. "Ah! This is the life I want to see. In his peach blossom period, blues period, three-dimensional painting, tone sandhi painting, and even later pottery, I saw the power and beauty of life in my heart one by one. "

Picasso's painting style is obviously different from Van Gogh's. Van Gogh's works are full of bright colors in the sun, and those sunflowers shine with golden light in his works. Picasso always filled the whole canvas with colors, especially in his blues period. Almost all the stories and characters in the painting are blue, and even the sun is blue, which looks gloomy and lonely.

Perhaps it is because of the same gloom and loneliness that Sanmao fell madly in love with Picasso as soon as he saw his paintings. She said to herself: When she grows up, she will be another woman of Picasso. She looked at the photos of Picasso in the French castle again and again, for fear that she would not grow up soon, for fear that Picasso could not wait. She must be anxious to grow up to 18 years old, begging him to keep it until she goes and gives herself to him.

Go back to Sister Sanmao's birthday. At the birthday party, a boy named Chen Yu lay prone on the ground and drew a picture of cavalry fighting with Indians. San Mao didn't squeeze to see it. When everyone went to the yard, a person secretly picked up the painting and quietly looked at it enough.

Later, Chen Yun told her that he studied oil painting with Gu.

In Taiwan Province Province, people who care a little about art know the "May Painting Festival". The name of the painting club was inspired by the salon in May in Paris. It is a painter's association composed of Taiwan Province painter Liu and alumni of Fine Arts Department of Taiwan Province Normal University from 65438 to 0957. It is also one of the important painting societies in the history of Taiwan Province fine arts, and holds exhibitions every May. In 1960s, "May Painting Society" became the avant-garde of modern painting in Taiwan Province Province with its bold painting style, free painting themes, concepts and painting methods. At that time, only another organization, the Oriental Painting Society, could match it.

Liu, Gu, Huang Xianhui, Li, Han Xiangning ... those well-known great painters were just stars in the distant sky, just out of reach. However, I can't even think of it. Because of the mysterious traction of this painting, Sanmao was introduced as a student of "May".

Gu is the first teacher.

For a long time, Sanmao dared not go out to meet a new life. On the first appointed school day, she locked herself at home and refused to leave. Mother called to reschedule, and Sanmao was lying in bed, quietly tearing the cotton wool in the pillowcase.

Finally, standing outside the deep house compound in Lane 2 of Tai 'an Street, Sanmao hesitated whether to ring the doorbell or not, and then tried to restrain his fear and told himself: Don't run! This path through the azaleas leads Sanmao to another studio built outside the big house. Once again, don't run away anyway!

Into a room with walls painted all over the floor. Sanmao stood quietly with his back to the door. When the screen door rang behind her, she had to turn around. At that moment, she saw the man who later changed her life.

Some people have no language or words to express themselves. It was not until many years and half a life passed that Sanmao dared to tell the "thrilling" of the first teacher. If there is anything called love at first sight in life, San Mao did experience it at that moment.

That bright red V-neck sweater shines brightly in the alley of Tai 'an Street in Taipei at dusk, becoming a kind of silence and eternity.

Gu Fusheng knew that Sanmao didn't go to school, so he acted naturally and didn't ask any more questions. The first time Sanmao could not draw for a long time, the teacher gently took the brush in her hand and gave her a demonstration. Sanmao accepted him for no reason-a gentle person who might know himself. However, no matter how much effort and determination Sanmao made, what he wrote could not take shape. After struggling with those sketches for more than two months, Sanmao, who was already very inferior, became more neurotic. She began to yearn for the day when Nagato was locked up and hidden behind the lock. No one can see her incompetence, at least she is safe. Her guilt deepened day by day, and finally she could not help but say to the teacher:

"If you don't do it, you can't be tired. Don't come again in the future! "

After listening to San Mao's words, Gu Fusheng gave her a deep look and asked with a slight smile, "What year were you born?"

Sanmao answered, and he said slowly, "It's still so small, what's the hurry?"

"You are still so young, what's the hurry?" A slow word made San Mao kneel down and cry.

Meeting Gu is really a turning point in Sanmao's life. In front of such a talented student, Gu never ridiculed and attacked, but paid infinite patience and care. He never showed the slightest impatience, even in tone, he was extremely gentle.

He began to ease Sanmao's mood, not to give her a dead end, but to stop and take her to see her own paintings. Those pale and slender human bodies, semi-abstract and semi-realistic oil paintings, "Next time, change to watercolor, and put down the sketch first, ok?" Sending Sanmao gave Sanmao great inspiration and touch.

When leaving the door, Gu suddenly said this sentence with respect and consultation in his tone. Before leaving, he also brought a Bi Hui bound volume and several modern literature magazines to San Mao to take home.

In the near collapse of reading, Sanmao saw Chen Yingzhen's My Brother Xiong Kang. At that moment, her heart was like a sailing boat full of wind, full of joy and excitement-it turned out that she was not alone, and there were so many deja vu souls in the world!

Just like a rusty old lock, gently open it with a shiny key and a bucket, bang! In the silent yard, you clearly heard the clear echo when unlocking.

Seeing the teacher again, San Mao said and asked, as if he were a completely different person.

Gu Fusheng leaned back in his chair and looked at San Mao with a smile, but his eyes showed joy.

"Do you draw today?" He asked with a smile.

"good! Look at the watercolors I bought, a lot! " San Mao answered enthusiastically. In front of a clump of gladiolus and some fruits, she brushed and scribbled, and her confidence came. She doesn't care if the painting is broken, but she paints boldly with colorful backgrounds.

It was San Mao's third month in the studio. Lively heart, sudden life, vague affirmation, and self-release all have a dawn at that moment.

That dawn was given by Gu.

Sanmao blurted out when drawing a water bottle, "... do you like what I wrote?"

"It couldn't be better." Gu Fusheng replied.

So, Sanmao went back and really wrote it, carefully wrote it and gave it to the teacher. After paying, the lingering sense of inferiority began to work again, defeating myself without self-confidence. Sanmao was afraid to see the teacher and lied that she was ill and skipped class.

Going to the studio again, Gu said flatly, "Your manuscript is with Bai Xianyong, and that understatement hit San Mao like lightning. She is completely numb to modern literature. Do you agree? "

Bai Xianyong and modern literature, the names and things that she once dared not think about, are now common myths, but they have a little connection with them. The exercises she wrote will also be printed on it. Oh, what a surprise gift!

For others, this may be a trivial matter, but for Sanmao of that year, I inadvertently planted the seeds of persistent writing all my life.

A child who has shut himself up for nearly four years is surprised and unbelievable once he gets a small affirmation. In the long wait, San Mao felt that she was going to die.

When she ran home from the studio with modern literature, she almost shouted: "Dad!" " It's like calling out all the dumb souls who never spoke in the past.

Sanmao, a once dumb soul, has repeatedly failed in painting, but with the guidance and support of Gu, an educator, he has gained a lot in another world of literature. Just like a seed that has been silent for a long time, it slowly wakes up in the sunshine and rain, sends out a little bud, pulls out two green leaves and grows slowly but persistently towards the blue sky.

In that studio, a teenager who didn't want to talk, walk, hold a pen and didn't care whether he was beautiful or not was nourished and watered into the first rose in summer. Gu is a gardener who waters the flowerpots in the rose garden.

In fact, Sanmao showed his writing talent as early as elementary school, and he was full of red eyes until the second day of junior high school-the whole article was accompanied by the teacher with a red circle all the way to the end, plus an "excellent" comment. Her composition will always be posted on the wall newspaper, and the speech of the "Inter-provincial Speech Contest" is written by herself, without the teacher's trouble. She also published a "manuscript" novel, which was widely circulated among her classmates. The teacher often says, "San Mao, write quickly, and stand up and recite after writing."

1962, the essay "Confusion" written by San Mao, who dropped out of school, and "Modern Literature" introduced by Gu to Mr. Bai Xianyong, was published in the 15th issue of this famous monthly magazine on196265438+February 20th. This is Sanmao's first work published in type. At that time, a group of writers published in Modern Literature included Wang Wenxing, Ouyang Zi (ornaments), Chen Ruoxi, poets (Dai) and (Lin), translators, Xie Daowen and He Xin, Leo Oufan Lee who later became a scholar in the United States, and sociologist Xie Yangmei. , almost every one. Sanmao's immature works are printed in type together with everyone's works, and they are put squarely on the magazine stand, waiting for others to pay the bill. This kind of pride and happiness is beyond others' experience anyway.

Later, Sanmao fantasized about a love story, love in a foreign land, and quietly tried to vote for a newspaper. Soon after, it was published. Then I voted for Crown, and the novel Moon River was published. There's The World, which published Birds of Paradise and Monthly, the rainy season is no longer coming, Monday morning, and the Central Publishing House, which published Love in Autumn.

I really want to thank those editors who only use papers regardless of the relationship and agree with the words of a teenage boy. If we put it in today's mercenary social environment and Sanmao's fate, will the confidence just established be easily killed?

That year, San Mao gave himself a name-Echo. An echo. In Greek mythology, the goddess Yamazawa, who loves daffodils but can't tell him the name.

In the tenth month of studying painting, when other students were scattered, Gu told Sanmao that he would travel to Paris in ten days and could not teach her in the future.

The second reaction, San Mao shut himself up. In her mind, she thinks that painting with the teacher is the whole of life.

Finally, no matter how reluctant Sanmao was, Mr. Gu boarded the ship and went to Paris. The ship also took away San Mao's lost heart. She once secretly wrote several paper-thick letters and wanted to give them to him, but she couldn't deliver them and tore them up.

Before he left, Gu seriously entrusted Sanmao to Han Xiangning, a man called "Little Prince" by Sanmao.

Han Xiangning is a lively and clear person, and there is no lack of wisdom and agility in his pure personality. If Mr. Gu's silence is exquisite, it is his first time to walk into Sanmao's life, like a flash, which deeply, sharply and painfully stung people's hearts and aroused Sanmao's most unavoidable confusion in his life, then Mr. Han Xiangning is like a wisp of breeze in the early morning of May, with a bright coolness. He let Sanmao see happiness and spread the happiness in his heart to others.

Teacher Han Xiangning's teaching method is very energetic, attracting students to a wide range of arts, taking Sanmao and a group of students to see other people's art exhibitions, taking them out to take photos, listen to speeches, watch plays and watch movies, and bringing students infinite lively days. He himself loves talking, laughing and playing. Always wearing a bright white shirt, just like the little prince in a fairy tale.

The little prince without a long scarf sometimes loses his temper. On one occasion, Han Xiangning came back from a business trip to see Sanmao's sketches. Without saying anything, he picked up the plaster statue and fell to the ground. San Mao quickly crouched down to pick up the pieces. But in fact, she is not afraid, because she knows that Miss Han is fake.

What impressed Sanmao most in Teacher Han's paintings was a white horse, big and magnificent, with a light brown olive green background.

But even this happy and simple little prince will eventually leave for new york, USA.

Before Han Xiangning left, San Mao was introduced to Peng Wancheng's studio. That year, San Mao was nineteen years old.

Different from Gu's quietness and delicacy and Han Xiangning's happiness, Mr. Peng Wancheng is a "heavy and solid statue" in San Mao's eyes, giving people the impression that he is so hardworking, simple, sincere and steady, and a down-to-earth person, just like an ascetic. In the first class, he personally modeled for the students, with his left hand hanging, his right hand with five fingers open, flat on his chest, wearing a rough dark blue sweater and a round mouth, without talking or moving, like a stone.

In Teacher Peng's studio, Sanmao calmed down for the first time and studied painting seriously. She dare not dream, laugh, eat or gossip in a daze. She likes to color one by one with a palette knife instead of a pen. There, she painted many still life paintings.

Like the first two teachers, Mr. Peng Wancheng is in his mid-twenties, but the 23-year-old teacher has fatherly love for his students and his friends. San Mao once recalled that he always tried his best, "a kind of radiant energy, a strong light of love, shines piously on us." He "poured lead at the feet of unstable children, making us step by step." Because of teacher Peng, Sanmao no longer rejected those thick bottles and iron hammers, and felt the importance of weight for the first time.

Sanmao's life, many firsts, was obtained during that painting period. The first article was published, and I made friends with Chen Ruoxi (Chen Xiumei) for the first time. For the first time, I put on colorful clothes instead of plain clothes, from Teacher Gu. The first time I saw a white horse, I came from Han Xiangning. I won the painting award for the first time, from teacher Peng Wanyuan.

Gu was a turning point, which changed Sanmao's boyhood. Bai Xianyong inadvertently pulled San Mao again; And three equally responsible art teachers with different personalities, bit by bit, pulled Sanmao out of her autistic state, cultivated her self-confidence, led her to stand up and polish her eyes to see the outside world. She is no longer the timid girl who went in and out of Songjiang Road at dusk and thought she was happy. She turned around and ran away when she saw Bai Xianyong.

It is they, like a baton, who saved a child's future from one station to another. Sanmao is unlucky, Sanmao is lucky. Growing up in Taiwan Province Province with a strong academic atmosphere during the Republic of China, I met three mentors who were like brothers and sisters, which lit a bright light for her life channel that had deviated and lit up her way forward.

Many years later, San Mao wrote in her book: "Today, being able to live well is the strength given to me by the artist. They are both painters and educators. At the right time, they saved a man who was about to get lost in death. "

"I only regard myself as an active painting, showing different colors and spirits again and again in my life. This one, I want to draw as well as possible, as a result of giving it to three teachers. " -San Mao "My Three Teachers"