First, the role of friends.
Confucius said, "Why do people do it, do it, do it, do it, and be embarrassed by it?" ? Awkward? Confucius said, "Virtue is not alone, but there must be neighbors. "(Liren) people cannot be isolated in society. Birds of a feather flock together. From the appearance, we can infer what kind of person a person belongs to by examining the friends he has made. From the heart, people can only find a sense of belonging in their friends. This sense of belonging is different from home. In addition to emotional sustenance, "home" has a natural blood relationship to maintain. The circle of friends is different. Friendship can not only meet the needs of emotional expression and communication, but also make people gain value recognition. Pure friendship is always maintained by the same orientation. On the one hand, we know who we are through the mirror of friends; On the other hand, we have a * * tone in our communication with friends. Confucius said, "... isn't it a pleasure to have friends from afar? ..... "(Learning) Confucius said:" The winner has three pleasures, and the loser has three pleasures. Music festival, ceremony and joy, people are kind, and it is beneficial to make more friends. "(Ji) Pure friendship brings happiness beyond utility.
Of course, friends can also meet our instrumental needs. The word "instrumental music" is not pleasant to hear, but it is very realistic. Many times we can't completely separate tool needs from emotional needs. A Confucius said, "If you believe in righteousness, you can answer it. Politeness is closer to politeness than shame. Because you don't lose your loved ones, you can still live in it. " My friend died and never came back, saying, "I'll go to the funeral." (Township Party) What Confucius did seems to be the annotation of a son's words. Burying a friend who has gone and never returned seems ordinary, but it reflects Confucius' simple and profound feelings for his friends. Mutual care on the road of life, bit by bit, often reveals the preciousness of friendship. Ceng Zi said: "A gentleman makes friends with words and helps others with kindness." (Yan Yuan) What is Zi Gong Wen Ren? Confucius said, "If a worker wants to do a good job, he must sharpen his tools first. Living in a country is also a saint or a doctor, and a benevolent person is a friend. " (Wei Linggong) These two paragraphs are the best embodiment of the interweaving and coexistence of instrumental purpose and valuable purpose of making friends. Friends are sometimes good teachers, which can help us improve our moral cultivation. When we want to realize a lofty value or ideal, the help of like-minded friends is even more indispensable, so we should make friends intentionally. As far as the purpose of making friends is concerned, it is instrumental, and as far as its content is concerned, it is noble.
The role of friends is roughly divided into this point, because many words are not detailed as follows when it comes to the types of friends.
Second, the criteria for making friends.
The standard of making friends in The Analects of Confucius is very interesting, which requires both friends and yourself. There seems to be a contradiction in different places.
First of all, Confucius believes that to make friends, you must make excellent people, people with both ability and political integrity. Confucius said, "A gentleman who is not heavy is not arrogant. Learning is not solid. Lord is faithful. A man without friends is worse than himself. Don't change it after it. " (Learn) Only in this way can we meet the sage Si Qi, which is right and correct. This is also quite in line with the above purpose of making friends.
Secondly, we should make friends with honest people, loyal people and well-informed people, not with flatterers, people who talk behind their backs and boasters. Confucius said, "The winner has three friends, but the loser has three friends. Friends are frank, friends forgive and friends listen more, which is beneficial. Friends will be open, friendly, soft, friends will be destroyed and damaged. " (Ji's) Confucius said, "Miao Yan and Miao Yan are full of respect, Zuo Qiuming is ashamed of it, and Qiu is ashamed of it. If you hide grievances and make friends with others, Zuo Qiuming is ashamed and autumn is ashamed. " (Gongye Chang) I regard the antithesis of Confucius as the embodiment of the first standard of making friends and the moral bottom line. I think these two standards are in line with Confucius' pursuit of "benevolence". From the details of "benevolence" such as "courtesy, tolerance, faithfulness, sensitivity and benefit", "benevolence" is a high generalization of moral quality to some extent. Confucius worked hard to practice the virtue of "benevolence" all his life, and also infiltrated this standard in making friends. Honesty, forgiveness, more obedience, kindness and learning put forward concise and complete requirements for choosing friends.
Thirdly, Confucius' doctrine of the mean is also reflected in his view of making friends. Confucius said, "If you don't go to the Bank of China, you will be crazy. Crazy people are enterprising, and arrogant people are inaction. " (Lutz) We should try our best to make friends with people whose words and deeds conform to the golden mean, but this is very idealistic after all. Reflected in reality is to make friends with both radicals and mediators, and their advantages complement each other. So as to avoid paranoia.
In addition, there are two other related records in The Analects, which I think are more important. One place is: Sima Niu is worried: "Everyone has brothers, and I died alone!" Xia Zi said, "business has heard, life and death have life, wealth in the sky. A gentleman is respectful and courteous to others. All men are brothers within the four seas. Why do gentlemen have no brothers? " (Yan Yuan) Brothers here can be understood as "friends". I think this quotation puts forward requirements for ourselves. Friendship needs both sides to build. You can't just ask the other party to meet your own requirements, but also let yourself be accepted by others. To do this, respect and courtesy are the basic conditions. In addition, this passage also expands the scope of choosing friends and puts forward the tolerance that people should have. I think Xia Zi is quite open-minded. Who can't let me be his friend when a person can stand on his own feet between heaven and earth and reach a certain level of vision? Similarly, when a person can stand on his own feet between heaven and earth and reach a certain level of vision, who can't be my friend? As long as we don't go beyond the moral bottom line, "all men are brothers within the four seas." This can be read in contrast to another place: in summer, people ask to make friends with Zhang Zi. Zhang Zishuo: "What is the cloud in Xia Zi?" Yes: "Xia Zi said,' If you can, you can refuse.' Zhang Zi said, "I heard that a gentleman respects the virtuous and tolerates the people, but Jiashan has no regrets. I am the Great Sage, why can't I be tolerated by others? If I am not virtuous, people will reject me. How can I refuse others? "(Zhang Zi)
Since you can have so many friends, what kind of friends are there? Confucius said, "Gentlemen are harmonious but different, while villains are not harmonious." Harmony can be seen as openness and tolerance, while similarity can be seen as closure and singleness. In interpersonal communication, "harmony" means interacting with different types of people, and "similarity" means making friends only with people with the same breath. What do you mean by different types? I think the word "friend" is actually difficult to define. On many occasions, "friends" are just synonymous with "useful acquaintances". Reluctantly classified, we can take an individual as the center, start from his subjective point of view, and draw a circle with the ratio of tool purpose to value or emotional identity purpose as the scale. The closest people around you are friends who are mainly linked by pure value identification. The more peripheral friends, the more instrumental. Of course, the so-called instrumentality and identity are only for convenience. In practice, the two are mixed together, and it is difficult to adopt a one-size-fits-all approach. However, there will be extreme situations. If we have no feelings for a person, we can only use it if we associate with him. I think even if we call it a friend, the connotation will become stale. This is just a subjective division. The objective real life often keeps us in the closest relationship with instrumental friends, while the identified friends may not meet several times a year, but their hearts are still the same, and neither objective nor subjective can meet. The so-called "friendship between gentlemen is as light as water" may refer to this situation. However, this division is still not strict, and only normal and * * * are considered. At all stages of life, we will make the above two kinds of friends. Some friends accompany you all your life, some friends only solve urgent needs, and some friends only travel the same way for a period of time. The most precious thing is an old friend, and the most unforgettable thing is a friend who appears at a critical moment in life and can't be together forever. Although this is a regret in life, then again, we don't have to keep in touch deliberately. Because congenial feelings and values identify with each other, it is often only in a certain situation and a certain opportunity. The persistent pursuit of comprehensive understanding may make the beauty of the moment disappear. The so-called distance produces beauty, and he and I can't achieve harmony in every respect. When it comes to parting, memories are sometimes better. So Confucius said: "You can learn * * *, but you can't adapt to the Tao;" Compatible with Tao, not with it; Can stand up, not by strength. " Furthermore, it is not difficult to make friends with others if we can appreciate their differences with ourselves. This does not contradict the sense of identity. Accepting or even appreciating dissidents means admitting their differences from the opposite side, seeking similarities from them and reaching a harmonious state. This may be the basis of Confucius' saying that "gentlemen are harmonious but different". If Yu Boya is homogeneous to Zhong Ziqi, then Zhuangzi is heterogeneous to Hui Shi. Just like two sides of a contradiction, without either side, the other side loses its value of existence.
Third, the rules when dealing with friends.
First of all, when friends meet, they just say "letter". Ceng Zi said, "... will you make friends if you don't believe it? ……"; Xia Zi said, "... make friends and keep your word. Although I haven't studied it, I will call it learning. "I think this is the basic premise of interpersonal communication. Without faith, you can't communicate at all, and you can't have friends. However, sometimes the more basic ethics are, the more difficult it is to achieve, and the more difficult it is to achieve, the higher the requirements become. When a person really meets the most basic requirements, the value level he reaches is the highest.
Second, be tolerant of friends and help them when they are in trouble or make mistakes. Duke Zhou said to Duke Lu, "A gentleman who doesn't kiss his relatives won't make ministers complain that he doesn't approve. If the old one is not bigger than the old one, then don't abandon it. A person has nothing to prepare. " (Weizi) "A gentleman is eager to get rich." (Yongye) The value of friends can best be reflected at critical moments. I think this is also required in the letter. A loyal friend will never abandon each other at any time.
Third, we should keep a good distance from our friends. "Friends' gifts, although chariots and horses, do not sacrifice meat, do not worship" (emerging in difficult times). Friendship is a very close relationship. True friends don't need too many rituals. But that's not intimacy. Zi You said, "The shame of counting things; The number of friends is scarce. " Confucius said, "Yan Ping is good at making friends with people and respects them for a long time." (Gongye Chang) Zi Gong asked a friend. Confucius said, "You are good at giving advice. If you can't stop, don't bring disgrace to oneself. " (Yan Yuan) From the individual point of view, everyone has his own unique personality. No matter how you agree, two people will always be different individuals. There can be no friction between people. The closer two people are, the greater the contradiction may be, just like squeezing a bus. We all need some space for ourselves. Judging from the communication between friends, a little alienation leaves room for both sides. On the one hand, we can use this distance to keep a certain freshness, on the other hand, we can also use this space to make more friends. Only by grasping the distance from friends can we grasp the quality and quantity of making friends. Some people only have casual acquaintances without intimate friends, while others have only a few intimate friends, but few friends. None of them have dealt with the sense of distance in making friends.
There are still many places worth discussing about the concept of making friends in The Analects of Confucius, but one thing seems not to be involved-how to deal with the relationship between a group of friends. Just a few people are friends with each other, in groups of three or five. It is not only a simple two-to-two communication problem, but also a more complicated one-to-many and many-to-many problem.
Four, Confucius and his two students
Having said so much about the idea of making friends in The Analects, I became interested in Confucius' friends, because The Analects mainly recorded Confucius' thoughts. I think Confucius should have many friends. Looking at the Analects of Confucius alone, I can only find two places. One place is "the original soil has disappeared." Confucius said,' Young without grandchildren, long without words, and old without death are thieves.' Pat him on the shin with a stick. A boy will die if he is absent. Or ask,' Who benefits, who benefits?' Confucius said:' I can see his position and walk with my husband. He doesn't pursue profit, but he also wants to be quick. Another place is the above-mentioned "friend died and didn't come back, saying' I'm going to the funeral'". "I don't know where to study the latter. The former seems to be only a person "reconciled" by Confucius, not a person "recognized" by him. Does Confucius have a "confidant" who simply agrees with value? Just look at the Analects of Confucius, it seems that there is no, Confucius said: "I know my husband!" " Zi Gong said, "What about knowing your son?" Confucius said, "I don't complain about heaven, I don't care about people, but I will arrive after school." It's great to know me! "(The constitutional issue) is the second best. Can any of Confucius' students play this role? Sometimes, the teacher-student relationship can also reach a kind of friend relationship. I can't help but notice Yan Hui and Zeng Shen.
About Yan Hui, The Analects of Confucius has the following records:
Politics: Confucius said, "I talk back to you all day. I don't disobey, like a fool." If you retire, it's enough to keep your privacy. It's not stupid to retire. "
Grandfather: Confucius said Zi Gong said, "Which is better?" He said, "How dare you turn back if you give it? I also know a thing or two. " Confucius said, "Buddha is as good as a monarch. I know my wife. " Yan Yuan, Shi. Confucius said, "I'm afraid we disagree." Yan Yuan said: "I hope that there is no good cut, and I will get it for nothing."
Yongye: Aigong asked, "Who is a studious person?" Confucius said to him, "Those who have Yan Hui are eager to learn, will not be angry but will never fail. Unfortunately, he died short-lived. I am going to die today, and I have never heard of a good scholar. " Confucius said, "Go back, March is not inhuman, and the rest are just the sun and the moon." Confucius said, "You are a good man! A spoonful of food, a spoonful of drink, in the mean lane, people can't bear their worries, and they won't change their fun when they go back. Xian zai hui also! "
Statement: My son said to Yan Yuan, "Do it when you use it, and hide it when you give it up, but I am your husband!"
Zi Han: Confucius said, "Those who are not lazy in words will reply." The son said to Yan Yuan, "What a pity! I have seen it enter, but I have never seen it stop! "
Advanced: Confucius said, "If you don't help me, tell me everything." Yan Yuan is dead. Confucius said, "Hey! The day has passed! The sky is lost! " Yan Yuan died, and his son wept bitterly. The attendant said, "I'm afraid!" Say, "What's the matter? If it's not your wife's fault, who will do it? "
Yan Yuan: Yan Yuan asked Ren. Confucius said, "Self-denial and courtesy are benevolence. A day of self-denial and self-denial, the world will return to benevolence. For benevolence, for yourself, for people? " Yan Yuan said, "What's the purpose?" Confucius said, "see no evil, don't listen to evil, don't say evil, and don't move if you are evil." Yan Yuan said, "Although I am not sensitive, please talk to me."
As can be seen from the above, Yan Hui is a studious and noble-minded person who has been trying to practice Confucius' theory all his life. There are several points in his record that are worth pondering. First, Confucius said that he was "not stupid". Confucius used "not stupid" instead of "sensitive" and "generous", which shows that Yan Hui's qualification is not particularly high. Second, he didn't help himself. No matter what he says, Yan Hui is happy. On the other hand, Confucius still attached great importance to this student. When Yan Hui died, Confucius was extremely sad and shouted, "Heaven is lost." . Yan Hui was also full of affection for Confucius. When Confucius was trapped, he said to Confucius, How dare I die before you die? I think, for Confucius, Yan Hui is a copy of himself. He saw his students become more and more like himself step by step. Faced with this situation, I think Confucius' mood is extremely complicated. Besides "Heaven", Yan Hui knows himself best. Even though Yan Hui didn't realize that he knew Confucius, his behavior showed that he had grasped the essence of Confucius' thought. With such students, Confucius should have a feeling of bosom friend, but Confucius did not express it clearly, or even thought it was insufficient. "If you don't help me, tell me everything." This may be because Yan Hui is too much like himself. After Yan Hui's death, Confucius realized what it meant to lose Yan Hui. He lamented that God had killed me and said to his students, If I don't cry for Yan Hui, who am I crying for? Does Confucius think that the death of Yan Hui means the death of his ideal personality and his death in the mirror? No one can arouse Confucius' Song Like and Yan Hui.
Regarding Zeng Shen, the Analects of Confucius has the following related records:
Liren: Confucius said, "Come on! My path is consistent. " Zeng Zi said, "Wei." When the child came out, the master asked, "What is it?" Ceng Zi said: "The master's way is loyalty and forgiveness."
Advanced: Chai is also a fool, a teacher and a teacher.
Confucius said, "If one day I grow up, I won't. Zhu Ze said,' I don't know!' If you know me, why bother? Lutz led the way and said to him, "A country a thousand times larger than that between big countries, with the help of teachers, is hungry. For this reason, compared with three years, you can go forward and know one side. " Master yi. "ah! What about you? " He said: "You are sixty or seventy, you are fifty or sixty, and you ask for more happiness. Compared with three years, you can satisfy the people. If it is a ritual, it is a gentleman. " "Red! What about you? " Right: "If you can't do it, you are willing to learn. If the ancestral hall is agreed, it will be a trivial matter. " "point! What about you? "Drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum, drum. They also say what they think. " He said, "Mo Chun, who has taken the spring clothes, has five or six champions and six or seven boys, bathed in deduction, dancing in the wind and singing back. The master sighed: "I am with a point! " "
Compared with Yan Hui, I think Ceng Dian exudes a kind of aura and tells what Confucius has always done. However, "advanced" and "joining Shandong" seem to be in contradiction with it. I don't know what to understand Needless to say, in the end, Confucius' "Me and Dianye" was quite interesting. I think that if facing Yan Hui, Confucius felt a homogeneous identity, then facing Ceng Dian, Confucius felt a heterogeneous identity. Some people think that Me and Dianye expresses Confucius' aspiration of seclusion. I think this understanding has its basis. Ceng Dian's unique ideal just fills the vacancy of Yan Hui's "not helping others" from the opposite side and gives Confucius a heterogeneous enlightenment and choice.
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