As an argumentative essay, this provision is relatively clear. As the commentary said, it is necessary to add some concrete and vivid descriptions in time so that readers will not be too boring when reading articles, and they can also avoid empty or pure reasoning.

It is suggested that celebrity deeds be added to each sub-argument. For example, life in the first argument is not perfect, and the suffering of celebrities can be inserted. In addition, the achievements of celebrities can just prove your general argument and help echo and sublimate the theme. In addition, you can also use your own experience or what you see on weekdays. Usually collect more materials, and it is best to have your own excerpts. Your writing is good, but you lack some writing skills. More practice will definitely improve you.

I hope this helps you. Please feel free to ask questions.