Asked the reader
No.48, I 14 years old. I think I'm interested in BDSM. I found this when I was very young, such as watching TV, reading novels, policemen, robbers and prisoners. These plots always make my heart pounding, and I always fantasize that I will be treated like this. Is it wrong for a 14-year-old girl to have this idea?
One more thing, I met an S recently, and I felt good, but I was even more entangled after talking with him. I wonder if I should try him and see what kind of person BDSM is.
Answer 48
Hello, my personal opinion is that you can't control what fantasies will appear in your mind, so you don't have to feel guilty about your thoughts, but you need to be wary of any adults who take the initiative to go out alone with girls around 14 years old.
First, let's talk about BDSM's fantasy.
Speaking of BDSM, we often say that it is a matter for adults, and it is an intimate behavior mode based on safety, reason and informed consent (SSC) or * * * risk safety, health and voluntary practice (RACK) and practiced by adults.
But the idea of BDSM is not unique to adults. A paper in the magazine Culture, Health, Sex, BDSM, Becoming and the Flow of Desire has spent five years tracking the growth process of 29 BDSM practitioners around the world. The results show that, without exception, these people who love BDSM revealed some thoughts related to BDSM in their childhood.
Later, Adam liked to play the game of police catching prisoners with his friends when he was a child, but he always liked to play the prisoners he caught compared with the police. He said that this preference was not sexual at that time, but it made him feel comfortable and natural.
Another theme, Anders' first memory of BDSM comes from school. After being slapped by the teacher with a steel ruler, she began to have obvious fantasies related to this. She said that even before I knew what sex was, I began to have these feelings and fantasies.
A survey launched on DeviantArt also shows that 9 1% people have various illusions about BDSM before adulthood, while only 7% people discover it after adulthood.
Philosophers Deleuze and Guattari believe that the body can only become through its relationship; When we meet other bodies like us, we will become human. In other words, maybe after you understand BDSM, you will understand these psychology. It turns out that my psychology belongs to BDSM. But before that, although you don't know what it is, it already exists in your mind, which is undeniable.
It can be seen that the behavior of BDSM may be that of adults, but humans can't control when it appears. It's not that it's wrong to think like this when you're a minor, but it's right to think like this when you're an adult. You don't need to feel guilty about having such an idea.
But that doesn't mean you have to put your ideas into practice, just like you want to hit someone when you are angry, but you may not really do it under various conditions. What we need to make clear is that there is still a huge gap between being and doing.
If I say that minors still lack the perspective of observing the world and the experience of contacting the society, it is easy to see what BDSM's world looks like, but instead, they make their own world very bad first, and some people will certainly be unwilling to say, are adults necessarily mature? Don't some adults behave like giant babies? Why draw a hard line with age? It's not fair at all. I think some minors are more mature than many adults.
To tell the truth, such a rebuttal is naive, which not only makes a philosophical mistake of refuting macro-universal phenomena with micro-cases, but also looks like the essence of leverage.
In fact, most countries in the world set the age of majority as 18, which is supported by many scientific studies. Medically speaking, the human skeletal system and nervous system are fully developed at the age of 18; In education, 18 years old is the end of compulsory education, which means the formation of universal values and ethics; Psychologically speaking, 18-year-old people should have the ability of abstract and logical thinking, experienced the identity crisis and basically completed their self-identity, and know how to calibrate their moral concepts with law and social order.
In short, an ordinary person with a normal growth process, with an average age of about 18, probably has a ruler in his heart, knows his bottom line, faces his own desires, knows how to put himself in the other's shoes, and knows what can and cannot be done.
This is also the premise of BDSM's informed consent. You have to have a mature value system, know what consequences your consent will bring, and be responsible for it in order to get the basic standards of consent.
In my opinion, no matter how polite you are, it is hooliganism to talk with a girl of 14 years old and ask her out to BDSM. Because the information is fundamentally asymmetric, just like the frog at the well is negotiating with the frog at the bottom of the well. From social experience to worldly wisdom to manners, it is the crushing of geometric series, which is bound to be full of all kinds of centralization and inequality.
The frog outside the well said that all frogs who want to see the world from the bottom of the well have to break a leg, and the frog in the well may really agree to remove a leg; The frog outside the well said that the frog coming up from the well would sell his ass, and the frog in the well might actually lift his ass consciously.
This is not informed consent at all, but brainwashed consent. Informed consent is based on information symmetry and the same cognitive level of both parties.
The reason why there is a huge gap between BDSM's fantasy and making it is because there is no cost in the fantasy, but the cost of making it may be great, and minors usually cannot realize these costs.
As a minor of 14 years old, if an older man says he wants to see you and says he is dom or S, please don't go. He puts a big, sweet and magnificent fruit in front of you and tells you how delicious it is, but believe me, he won't tell you how much it costs to eat it.
He may be a pedophile, which may cause irreversible harm to your psychology and physiology; When you describe the platonic perfect relationship in your mind, he may be thinking about how to cheat your photo; He may tell you that M who doesn't listen to S is not a good M, then refute your questions one by one, and you will feel that what he said is very reasonable, and then step into the abyss step by step.
There is a huge difference between your maturity and independence. Under this difference, it is impossible to establish a safe and healthy intimate relationship.
So please wait.
Wait patiently until you have enough knowledge and mind to deal with good and evil in this world, and then make a decision.
Before that:
Don't disclose your personal information to anyone.
Do not establish any online or offline BDSM relationship.
Don't expose your location, and don't send your photos.
Ask more questions and look for answers in formal academic papers and scientific research materials.
Please always believe that there will be no gratuitous gifts in the world, and all seemingly destined gifts will be priced in the dark.
A good meal is not afraid of being late, but rushing to eat it before it is cooked will cause diarrhea.
In the face of temptation, it is easy to be attracted and walk through it, but how to treat it and know that you should not approach it for the time being is a difficult problem in life. Perhaps everyone's first mature lesson is to realize that knowing what they can't do is far more important than knowing what they can do.
Professional tutor WeChat: xllx577 Reference:
CharlottaCarlstr？ m(20 19)BDSM，becomingandtheflowsofdesire，Culture，HealthSexuality，2 1:4，404-4 15，DOI: 10.65438/ 1369 1058.20 18. 1485969
Deleuze and F. Guattari (1987)20 12. Capitalism and schizophrenia. London and new york: Bloomsbury.