Personally, I think there are still many such people in this world, so I will share the article with you.
First, I hope everyone can be more tolerant and understand such groups;
Second, tell such people that you are not alone, and there is always sunshine on your head.
What do you think of this personality? Please leave your comments in the comments section. -ω-`)
The following is Zhihu's answer:
(the content is very long)
I avoid it. Had a very painful experience. But only recently did I know that my behavior would be so strange and incomprehensible to others.
In the eyes of outsiders, the possible relationship process is:
At the beginning, this person is very nice, very willing to communicate, very chasing, and they hit it off very well. So another person boldly began to invest in feelings.
In the second stage, this person gradually began to deliberately avoid alienation, sometimes getting closer and closer, the other party felt strange, hot and cold, and reflected on whether he was not doing well. I began to look for TA in a hurry, but the more I looked for it, the more I was pushed away.
At the end of the third stage, the man disappeared. The other party didn't respond to any search. He felt cheated and insulted. Encountered slag.
But in fact, it seems like this in the avoidance type:
The first stage avoidance type is usually a person who has no heart-to-heart friends. He doesn't like to disturb others, nor does he like to be disturbed. No one can communicate. Therefore, when you meet a nice person, you will want to have intimate friends, the attitude of heart-to-heart friends, get to know each other and get close to each other. Avoidant people don't think they are close because they like it. At first, they just wanted to have a friend. When two people are alone, no one can say anything excitedly and share all kinds of interesting things in life with TA.
In the second stage, because of the habit of self-suppression since childhood, I dare not tell others what I really think directly, and I have obstacles in expressing myself. I can only report good news without worrying, and I am used to "please" others. Even if you are unhappy, reluctant, uncomfortable, hurt and want to refuse, don't say it directly. On the surface, she is considerate, tolerant, careful and considerate of others, but she keeps everything in her heart. After a long time, you may be depressed and not understood. For example, I need a lot of independent time and space to do my own thing. Originally, I had my own arrangements, but I received an invitation to meet for dinner, so although I was a little reluctant, I shelved my plan to go to the appointment. The other party accidentally offended the evasive type in a joke and was a little unhappy, but did not point it out. On the surface, I smiled, and then I wanted to find a place to digest my emotions. The next day, amnesia didn't seem to happen.
For example, in the university dormitory, classmate A said I like listening to XX songs, and classmate B said I like it, too. Then classmate a thought, great, let's listen together, and then start playing it outside. After listening for half an hour, I was quite happy, but after listening for two hours, my classmate B was reluctant. After listening to it for three hours, I feel a little tangled and uncomfortable, because although I like it very much, I can only accept XX songs for half an hour, but I dare not directly tell classmate A whether I can turn off the music, because classmate A is still listening very hard. So student B decided to wait until the lights and electricity were turned off and then go back to the dormitory every day. This student B is a typical avoidant personality. However, a classmate will feel puzzled: how did b become so indifferent? Isn't it because B said she likes listening to XX?
Let's go back to intimacy and give another example. For example, when your relationship was still in its infancy. One day, you want to call the evasive chat. At first, TA thought you had something urgent to explain, so she took it. I thought it was only three or four minutes, and TA gradually understood that you wanted to chat. But in fact, TA homework has not been written, or tomorrow's speech has not been prepared, or the customer contract has not been changed. I don't want to talk any more. But because I don't want to hurt your feelings, I dare not say to you directly, "I have to hang up early." The result is that TA doesn't know how to refuse or end the conversation. She can only pretend to be happy and continue to talk, but at the same time her heart is full of pain and struggle.
Finally, the phone call lasted for three or four hours before it ended. TA meets your need to communicate and chat, but the need to avoid being alone is not met and sacrificed. At the same time, if you haven't finished your career, you need more time alone. So the next time I make a phone call, TA will definitely refrain from answering this call. If you don't know why TA doesn't answer at this time, but calls more frequently, the evasive type will feel that you are forcing TA to respond to your needs. In fact, it is a misunderstanding for both of us.
If you keep calling at this time, TA will think you are in a hurry and answer it quickly, but the first sentence you hear is your reprimand, "Why don't you answer it?" There is one thing I am most afraid of avoiding-quarreling. At this time, TA has actually planted the seeds of fear of talking to you. Because TA thinks you are a person who can hurt TA with words. Then the evasive type may have to smile and talk for three or four hours in order to comfort you and avoid more language conflicts. Then the next call was even more resistant and unwilling to answer. . . But you may eventually think you had an accident. Answer it. . . Infinite misunderstanding cycle.
So this has caused the avoidance feeling to be hot and cold. It seems that sometimes it is warm and sometimes it is cold. Because everyone only saw the superficial behavior, but did not see the whole process of avoidant psychological struggle.
Why this happens is because avoidant people want to maintain a rare relationship, do not want to refuse directly, do not know how to refuse, and are afraid that even if they refuse, they will lose a friend. Therefore, we can only suppress the feelings of reluctance, unhappiness and reluctance, sacrifice the need to be alone, postpone plans again and again, and accompany us to eat, drink and be merry. When the intimacy gradually increases, the avoidant type feels that maintaining too high intimacy with others will be accompanied by reluctance and pain. When they have conflicts with others, they always give priority to each other at the expense of themselves. Obviously, I feel very hurt, reluctant and reluctant, but on the surface, I pretend to be "nothing", "nothing" and "I forgot all about the past".
The other party often really thinks that the evasive type is fine, but in fact, the evasive type is very sad, why not be understood. . .
Therefore, avoidance seems to become self-sacrifice, self-repression, internal friction and blackmail with the increase of intimacy. Avoidant people think that their relationship with you has hurt them, and they are always reluctant to accept excessive love and are asked to respond to love beyond their expectations. If you feel that you have been blackmailed by love, you should force yourself to respond to each other's needs. Let the avoidant lose their self-space, and the avoidant will feel suffocated and at a loss because of intimacy. Gradually, I want to stay away from harm, avoid your approach, and return to a state that I am unfamiliar with, with a sense of distance and space.
Go back to the state of not sending messages or calling every day. Therefore, TA will start to avoid contact with various excuses and reasons. In extreme cases, there will even be rebellious psychology, saying that it is rude to meet. Actually, I'm telling you that TA is suffocating. Can you leave some time and space, not too close, not too close?
But at this time, once the other party shows sadness, loss and unhappiness, the avoidance type will start to blame itself again. After the other party asks to meet again, they will still shelve their plans and reluctantly go to the appointment. At this time, others will feel that the avoidance type is inexplicable, and it is hot and cold. Many people say avoidant selfishness, but they don't really understand it. Avoidance is selfless, but it is too selfless, altruistic, flattering, expressive personality+communication barriers, and the constant tearing of superficial behavior and inner demands leads to collapse.
For example, avoidant emotions eat only half a bowl, while the average person has three bowls. When ordinary people cook 6 bowls of rice for dinner according to their own standards. Avoidance type in order to take care of each other's feelings, feel that not eating will be sorry for others' hard preparation. So obviously I can't eat so much. I forced myself to finish three bowls of rice. Everyone is happy on the surface, but it takes a lot of time to digest themselves after eating so many avoiders. It is acceptable to eat three bowls occasionally like this, but when the intimacy increases, the avoidant type can't eat as many as three bowls a day at the frequency of ordinary people, and it still lacks time for self-digestion. So I feel oppressed and blackmailed by each other's love. Gradually feel very painful, but dare not directly tell each other that they can only eat half a bowl of rice, for fear of losing their only friend. So I want to avoid seeing each other frequently, or I just want to finish a bowl of rice and leave (I want to digest it quickly). At this time, the other party will mistakenly think that avoidance is cold violence.
Therefore, when the avoidance type begins to avoid intimate relationships in the early and middle stages, the other party doesn't realize what happened and can only feel alienated. I can only feel that TA has something on her mind, always wringing her hands and competing with herself. However, because of avoiding the obstacles of expression, I dare not say, and I can't get an answer if I ask. Usually I think it's TA scum, change of heart, cold violence. But in fact, for the avoidance type, excessive intimacy brings oppression, extortion and suffocation. I always feel forced to respond frequently, but I lack time to digest alone, so I really want to push the distance a little further, catch my breath and strike a balance between myself and others. Avoidant people think this is the only way to maintain a long-term relationship.
Actually, I didn't know how funny this misunderstanding was until later. Every time I force a smile and accompany each other to call for dinner, all I think is: I finally have time, and I have to finish the postponed work quickly. Then I want to concentrate on my studies like no one's watching. But at this time, the other party will feel: I was fine, why didn't I suddenly return the message and ignore me? It's another crazy news bombing. I will think to myself: I have satisfied you with eating, drinking and having fun. Why are you chatting? I have no time to read. Once or twice occasionally, you can't go on like this every day. . But after the crazy bombing, I am worried that the other party will have an accident, and I may still answer it. I will spend more time comforting. After comfort, I will need more time to be alone, and then continue the infinite cycle. . .
In the third stage, in fact, after frequent contact and understanding, the avoidant heart hopes that the other party can see their sacrifice and give up, and hopes that the other party can take the initiative to help themselves solve the pain of expression obstacles. For example, this person is evasive and can understand the tacit understanding of TA. For example, directly understand what TA wants from TA's behavior, reduce frequent telephone messages, reduce the consumption of eating, drinking and having fun, and give each other time alone. At this time, evasive people usually do things that confuse others, such as complaining about trivial things and being anxious, and don't know what to do. In fact, it sends you a signal for help. I hope you can read TA and help it out of its unspeakable predicament. Avoidant type doesn't want too much love, don't want to be forced to respond, and don't want to feel blackmailed by love. At this time, TA has been suffocated by being blackmailed by love and is almost on the verge of collapse.
Of course, not everyone has the sensitivity to see through at a glance and understand the true meaning of avoidance. They will feel that the relationship is not close enough, that they are not good enough, and that they are not eating enough. Instead, they cook more and more, 10 bowls, 20 bowls, 30 bowls, which gives them more and more emotional oppression. Because I can't bear to refuse, I can only continue to force myself to eat and do things I don't want or like. The result will only make the avoidant heart more and more resistant to meeting, and more and more time is needed to digest it alone. Until one day, I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to answer the phone at all. I didn't want to meet again at all.
Because if the other party always can't understand the pain of avoidant internal friction, the avoidant heart will be disappointed and complain: "I am so close to you, why don't you understand me, why can't you stand from my point of view, why can't you treat me like I treat you, why can't you keep a little distance for me to digest, why bother me and force me all the time?" We are already very close. Why did you invade my time and space? Why do I always make sacrifices alone? I hope you understand me again and again, and finally I become disappointed. Now I don't expect you to help me solve the problem. It is plain, why bother me and blackmail me to respond? This relationship is not as good as I live alone. I really can't stand it. Don't make me blackmail me again. I am in pain. I dare not say that I have no choice but to leave. "
At this time, the contradiction is very big. Once the escapist leaves completely, you may not have a chance to know the truth or explain that you are not forced. Because at this time, no matter how you think about TA, you will be regarded as blackmail by the escapist. In the eyes of the compulsive escapist, you will love in the way you expect.
In fact, the avoidance type will also blame itself in the later stage. Why can't you eat 30 bowls of rice, and you will continue to force yourself to eat. If a person without facial expression disorder sees that he has exceeded his appetite, he may just push the bowl away and say he won't eat, without thinking so much about others. Unlike avoidance, you won't try to please others, force yourself, or even continue to force yourself until you suffocate in order to maintain a rare relationship. That's why I said that avoidance is not selfish, but "excessive selflessness, altruism, please, performance-oriented personality"+"communication barrier". The constant tearing and entanglement of superficial behavior and inner demands led to the collapse.
Therefore, on the eve of the collapse, when this contradiction exceeds the level accepted by the evader and TA can no longer force itself, the evader will feel: "Even being alone is better than being with the other party, but it will bring endless pain and disappointment to both of them." Avoidance will make the final reluctance and self-sacrifice, such as really eating 30 bowls of rice, finally satisfying you once, for the last time, and then leaving completely and disappearing. Avoidant type feels that it is a more responsible choice to leave completely than two people who have no future to continue to break up. Not cold-blooded or scum, just different ways of thinking.
At this time, you may think that it was fine the day before, and suddenly you can't contact the next day. I don't know what I did wrong. In fact, because you don't know the whole process of his inner struggle, the evasive type has reached the point where he can't continue to force himself. He just wants to force himself to leave for the last time and doesn't owe the other party a break. When a person who does not know how to refuse says no, it is both the first time and the last time.
In fact, at this stage on the eve of the collapse, I will feel helpless myself. On the one hand, I want to refuse requests that are too intimate for me, even forcing me to eat frequently, meet, spend money, answer the phone, reply to messages and so on. But I don't want to make the other person feel sad after refusing, and then lose the only intimate person in my life; On the other hand, I want to enjoy the happiness brought by intimate relationship like others, but I can't feel happiness from eating, drinking and having fun. I just want two people to live a plain, simple and tacit life. Usually, they are busy with their own affairs, don't bother each other, don't force each other to take up their own time, help each other when they are in trouble, and spend the afternoon quietly reading in the library when they are free, without much language. Eating, drinking and sightseeing are not happy for me. At first, I just wanted to meet each other's requirements, but I couldn't bear to refuse, so I reluctantly agreed and pretended to like them. But when these demands are increasing, it becomes a blackmail from love, which makes me breathless.
In fact, I want to say it many times, which means that I feel that the relationship is too close and the emotional needs of the other party are too high, which is beyond my tolerance. Can you give me some space? I have other things to do, and so on. But in the end, I still dare not say anything, because I am afraid of seeing each other lose, hurting each other, being afraid of embarrassment and quarreling. So I have to continue to reluctantly, when the relationship is extremely suffocating for me and there is no room for myself at all. I will feel that there is no other solution and I have to leave.
In fact, as an avoidant person, I know more about other people's views on intimate relationships. I gradually realized that the avoidance type is different from other people's understanding of intimacy, and the difference is very big, which is bigger than the difference between half a bowl of rice and three bowls of rice.
Others believe that love, expression of love, sense of ceremony, intimacy, dispute and reconciliation are all part of intimate relationship.
The avoidant type thinks that expressing love and intimacy is meaningless and superficial. Intimacy is enough for a person to lend a helping hand in a crisis. Borrow money, find a job, get sick, help, * * * enjoy resources, use social relations, etc. The avoidant type thinks this is an intimate relationship, similar to the mutual responsibility between relatives, and the avoidant type also hopes that the other party can do the same to themselves. Arguing is definitely not intimacy. Once you have a dispute avoidance type, you want to stay away, thinking that it is better to stay alone. The essence of avoidance is to avoid disputes and blackmail caused by intimate relationships.
Why don't avoidants like "playing"? Because the avoidant type usually has a high superego, is strict with himself, often criticizes himself and is strict with himself. They will set high standards for themselves in their hearts and feel that they are not doing everything well enough and don't want to cause trouble to others. People always feel self-disciplined, don't eat, don't play, don't know how to enjoy, don't know how to live, be an ascetic and live alone. Because my parents' education was very strict when I was a child. I am not allowed to read comic books, only famous books. I have done something that is helpful to my study, and I am not allowed to do anything that is not helpful. When entertainment is allowed, it is not for entertainment and relaxation, but for better study. Gradually, they will feel that compared with the achievement of their goals, such as being in the top few exams, winning prizes and so on. Personal entertainment preferences and feelings are not important (which also explains why they are used to suppressing emotions and negating emotions).
So they didn't get pleasure from eating, drinking and having fun themselves. They feel that they are a machine that exists to complete the task. Only when you have completed the task, will you feel happy, such as being the first in the exam, being happy when the paper is published, being happy when you make money, and being happy when you have achievements. Therefore, the avoidance type feels that festivals, anniversaries, spending money to go out to play, relaxing, no gains, no achievements, no happiness. On the contrary, it is "the crime of inaction". Therefore, when they accompany another person to participate in these activities, in fact, avoidant people will feel guilty, complain, waste time and feel reluctant. . . They can only get happiness from other more "rational" and "politically correct" ways, such as working, starting a business, making money and so on. In fact, the avoidant type really wants to do these things with another person, just like forming a team to "do tasks" and get a sense of accomplishment together, thinking that the relationship will last longer, instead of spending money, eating, drinking and having fun together. But for others, life is not just about completing tasks, but also about romance. Of course, there is no way to accept such a life, so it will be difficult for two people to get along.
solution
Personally, I always suggest that you find an avoidance type that meets the three concepts (two people don't want love, just want to share the responsibility for life safety), or you are not an avoidance type but encounter avoidance type, and leave when TA scores. Giving points is also the result of TA's hesitation for a long time, which is hard to say.
Because the avoidance type has experienced "three or four hours of electrification", "every day 10 bowl of rice" and so on. The avoidant heart already knows that your needs are different: your emotional needs are high, and it is unfair to ask you to live a simple and simple life. However, avoidant emotional needs are very low. If we continue to let the evasive type barely live a life of bombing by phone messages every day, it will be too blackmail for TA. One day, I couldn't bear to walk away.
Avoidance doesn't mean to hurt anyone intentionally, otherwise it won't force a smile because it takes into account the other person's feelings.
The above case is only aimed at avoiding the situation of "never directly expressing the need to be alone", but if avoidance has clearly told you that you are tired and want to leave room for each other, you need time to concentrate on your studies, but you are still madly contacting TA to force it to respond to extortion and blocking people, then it is not surprising that avoidance will strongly resist you. Because TA already thinks that you have to make excessive behavior and personal injury, instinctive fear makes TA protect itself and exclude everything from you.
TA must have tried in getting along. Can you balance the needs of two people and let them be satisfied at the same time? But in the end, both of them are often dissatisfied, but both of them are making sacrifices, and everyone is very uncomfortable. Avoid knowing that you can't continue. It's better to stop now than to get more and more painful. So when the escapist scores, you leave, and the escapist will thank you.
If you really don't want to give up, there are three ways to try.
The first solution is: relax a little, let the evaders feel safe and eliminate the obstacles of expression.
In fact, as long as you relax, don't bother frequently, and don't seek avoidance for a while, TA will come to you voluntarily because of loneliness. If you don't believe me, just look through other anonymous comments. How many people say they have no friends? (But TA doesn't necessarily come to you because she likes you, or it may just be because there is a lack of someone who speaks from the heart in TA's life. Please identify yourself. )
Don't go to TA frequently and aggressively. Once you feel that you have brought pressure and love blackmail to TA, you will want to avoid and stay away.
If you want to continue the relationship and maintain interaction, you can try to avoid the obstacles of expression and express yourself safely. First of all, another person should make it clear that even if the evasive person fully expresses himself, even if he refuses you, it will not hurt feelings and relationships, so that the evasive person can feel safe in expression. Gradually open your heart and say what you really think. Instead of just avoiding face-to-face communication, people who avoid it will think it is a quarrel. You are the one who started the conflict and destroyed the relationship, which is exactly what they want to stay away from.
For example, you can take the initiative to tell the evasive type in another way: if you can only eat half a bowl of rice, say it; If you have other plans, don't force yourself to accompany me; If you need someone, just tell me in advance, don't force me. I didn't blackmail you into agreeing to every request, and I didn't force you to meet. I just want to know what you really think. If you don't want to say it in person, you can also send a text message saying that even if you say no, you won't be lost, angry, blaming, quarreling and unhappy, but to get along better. Saving money for eating can do other things, which is beneficial to both people and so on.
Don't bombard the phone with short messages. Forcing avoidant people to make it clear in person will only make avoidant people more and more fierce, suppress themselves and force a smile until avoidant people completely refuse to meet you and disappear directly because they are afraid of meeting you. In the end, both of them were injured. I don't know why.
Another way is to reduce the need for intimacy. Intermittent gratification avoidance type and another person.
For example, try not to ask for contact and meeting every day. Maybe you mean well and just want to show your love. But because the evasive type doesn't know how to refuse, after a long time, they will definitely find other ways to push the relationship. At this time, you can try your best to meet the needs of avoiding solitude at ordinary times, but occasionally there is a big activity to meet the needs of another person.
For example, sugar refers to intimate interaction.
Ordinary people may eat sugar every day, 5 pills a day, 7 days a week, 35 pills a day. Without it, it is cold violence.
However, the avoidance criteria are: just eat one every two days on weekends, and 1 * * * 2 sweets are enough. If the toothache is too severe, I want to refuse. But usually I barely ate 35 tablets because I didn't dare to say it directly, but gradually I began to have a toothache and a sense of sacrifice. One day, when my toothache is beyond my tolerance, I will definitely leave. Therefore, avoiding long-distance love not only satisfies the basic relationship maintenance, but also does not bring pain because of being too close. )
At this time, you can try to allocate, for example, meet the avoidance type from Monday to Friday, and a large-scale activity on weekends will all meet the sugar consumption of another person, and then leave some alone time for everyone to recover. Maybe there's a way. (It is also possible that the frequency is one month or two months, depending on the degree of avoidance. Please judge for yourself. )
The third method: work, study or career cooperation, give the evader a "reasonable" reason to be with you.
Because avoidant people don't understand the vigorous romantic love you expect and don't feel happy, so for avoidant people, there is no reason to get along with you because of pure love and like, and avoidant people will inevitably establish a "rational" reason to get along with you. Avoidant people think it doesn't matter whether they like it or not. It doesn't matter whether they love or not. The important thing is that they have some reasons to convince themselves to be with you. (Simply put, even if you are unhappy and reluctant, there is at least one reason to convince yourself. This is like a migrant worker who obviously doesn't want to work overtime, but the company provides free dinner after 20 o'clock and taxi reimbursement after 22 o'clock. . . )
For the avoidant, the reason may be: TA is lonely in a strange environment, and you are the only avoidant who can speak his mind; You study well and can study with you to improve your postgraduate entrance examination results; Be able to do business cooperation with you; Be able to learn knowledge that you are interested in but don't understand. In short, getting along with you can bring some gains to TA, which is more "meaningful" than being alone.
Learning and working life is a minefield that can never be touched, because it is the basis of avoidant self-worth. Usually joking and getting angry, even if it is unavoidable, you can digest it yourself, passively pretend that nothing happened, and return to normal the next day. However, once you have a negative impact on avoidant study and work, such as interfering with exams, thesis defense, work meetings and so on. Once it has a negative impact, the avoidant type feels that the intimate blackmail you bring damages the value and significance of TA.
At this time, the avoidance type will start to compare and measure the benefits and blackmail you bring to TA. When the evader feels reluctant, but at least it pays off, TA will continue to convince herself to answer the message and the phone, even if it is what an ordinary friend should do. But if the avoidant feels that the blackmail you bring exceeds the income, or there is no income at all, the avoidant has no reason to get along with you. At this time, even if TA doesn't give up, there is no way to convince herself to get along with you. Because in avoidance, there is no reason to continue.
On the other hand, if you can help him in his study and career, such as "postgraduate counseling", "imparting workplace experience", "introducing customers", "doing experiments and sending papers together", "starting a business together" and "sharing some difficulties" and so on. In short, if you get along better than TA alone, then the avoidance type has a stable "rationalization" reason to get along with you. At this time, even if there are contradictions and conflicts, even if you leave evasively, there are still some reasons to convince yourself to turn back and keep in touch.
Again, only for the evasive type who has not completely rejected you. If TA has completely disappeared, it means that TA doesn't believe that life will be better with you, and can't trust you at all. I don't know if you want to talk, quarrel, abuse or use a knife when you ask to meet. Then no matter how you contact, phone messages bombard, provoke, intimidate, block people, Trying to say something to TA will only make TA more and more afraid and more convinced that separation is the right choice. If TA is soft-hearted, she will only be forced to be blackmailed even more, and even her life will be in danger. . . This is not a delusion of persecution. You can search "How to get rid of the entanglement of your predecessor" in Zhihu. There are not a few cases. The entangled person may think that his behavior is earth-shattering love, but it is intimidation and life threat to the entangled person. You are lucky that you didn't encounter this situation. You are educated and measured. I hope you will never get involved.
Does it feel reasonable?
I think, these things analyze some of our personalities from a theoretical perspective, so sometimes we will find our own shadow from them.
Finally, I hope everyone can do their best. _)?