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People often say that poverty is the best teacher.
In fact, seniors teach this way to cultivate children's excellent qualities of self-reliance and perseverance.
Self-reliance and perseverance, these qualities sound good, but whether it is self-comfort to cultivate with poverty.
It is difficult for us to change now, but we will certainly hope that our children can become independent people, at least to reassure their parents.
So how to cultivate children's self-reliance from an early age? Let's enter the time of "Teacher Song said".
(Anchor: Song)
How to improve children's self-control
Psychologists may have thought it was IQ 50 years ago, but contemporary research shows that a person's IQ can only determine his achievement of 20-30%.
Psychologists may have thought it was emotional intelligence 30 years ago, but now they find that emotional intelligence is not necessarily related to grades; For example, researchers found that the average EQ of prisoners in prisons is higher than that of ordinary people, because they must win the trust of others with sweet words and be good at dealing with emergencies.
So, what is the most influential factor in achievement?
Now it is found that self-control is an important factor affecting children's performance, and its importance even exceeds IQ and EQ.
So today's class is not only effective for children, but also for us adults. Many of us lack self-control: we want to lose weight, see delicious desserts and start tomorrow; The course could have been better, but it was a waste of time to prepare lessons when watching TV dramas so good. Therefore, we adults should also strive to improve our emotional control ability.
But how can we reduce our control? You have heard a word, spoil. Do you know what doting is? Give whatever you want. This destroys an ability called delayed gratification.
At the beginning of the experiment, every child had a marshmallow in front of him. Children are told that they can eat this marshmallow immediately, but if they can wait 15 minutes before eating, they will get a second marshmallow. As a result, some children ate the candy immediately, some children ate it later, and some children waited long enough to get the second piece of cotton candy. Since then, more than 600 children have participated in this experiment.
The original purpose of this experiment is only to study at what age children will develop some self-control ability. However, after 18, the follow-up survey of 1988 made an unexpected discovery: children who were "able to wait longer" in those years, that is, children who were "self-delayed" in those years performed better in adolescence. 1990 The results of the second follow-up provided a more objective basis: children with strong ability to delay gratification scored better in the SAT (American College Entrance Examination). 20 1 1, the children who participated in the experiment have entered middle age, and they have received the latest brain imaging examination. The results show that the prefrontal lobe of the brain is relatively more developed and active in people with strong early delayed gratification ability, which is responsible for the highest level of human thinking activities.
But in the process of doting, children have no chance to improve their control ability.
Of course, the meaning of "delayed gratification" means that in order to obtain greater benefits in the future, you take the initiative to delay or give up smaller benefits in front of you. In other words, which benefit is greater is the child's own judgment; Whether to delay satisfaction is also a child's own decision.
Later, experimenters did a series of experiments, which provided great support for my self-control training-Michelle's research team clearly pointed out in the report 1992 that 5 years old seems to be an important dividing line: most children under 4 years old do not have the ability to delay gratification, while children over 5 years old obviously have early buds. In the study of more children, it is found that most children can develop certain delayed gratification ability when they are 8- 13 years old. This conclusion is consistent with the latest research results of neural development.
Extended study 2: Who is the controller? Active delay and passive delay are very different.
1976, Miller and Rachel (Miller, Dell T; Karniol, Rachel) group published a paper pointing out that when a child feels that he controls the procrastination process (that is, he can stop procrastination at any time), then he will take the initiative to delay for a longer time; On the contrary, if children find that "outsiders are controlling procrastination" (that is, they are passive), then their procrastination time will be greatly shortened. The latest neuroscience research explains that passivity will activate the anger system (one of the innate instinctive emotions) and then interfere with self-control.
Extended learning 3: "Whether adults can be trusted" is very important.
In 20 12, the "delayed gratification re-study" group of the University of Rochester published their results: they changed the experiment to two steps. In the first step, they told the children that if they waited, they would get a "better crayon". In the second step, they followed the traditional marshmallow experiment. The experimenter divided the children into two groups. Group A was led by "trusted adults", that is, the first step fulfilled the promise of "better crayons"; The children in group B are mainly "untrustworthy adults", and they broke their word at the first step. Results In the second experiment, the average time for children in group A to delay gratification was 12 minutes, while that in group B was only 3 minutes.
Although the result of this study is not unexpected, because it is consistent with our life experience, it gives us a thought: in children's early vague understanding, their attitude towards others tends to be "trust" or "distrust", so what kind of worldview do we want him to have? What kind of life experience can help children form "trust"? Obviously, deliberate training will only undermine children's trust in the world. So what should we do?
I made a little golden pagoda to show that the context of the whole course may come from this idea.
Teaching optimistic children can be summed up as this development pyramid.
Then we look at the development pyramid from the bottom up. If children can develop a safe attachment style, then this kind of confidence and security for the whole person is sufficient. If the more love in TA's heart, the higher the level of self-esteem, then the higher the emotional health level of TA.
The second level of the pyramid is controllable, exploring and conquering.
I have seen several mothers describe their children's psychological quality as timid or inferior. I think it may be because they didn't do a good job of stocking their children when they were young. They may have done a lot of captive actions for their children. Because seligman or some of our clinical experience will tell us that when children are not threatened by safety, we should try our best to let them control everything that TA can touch, because when children are young, their main learning depends on touching, fiddling, tasting, biting and smelling. This means that the stronger their sense of control, the bigger the place TA explores and the stronger their self-confidence. The more children can expand the space for exploration with their own abilities, the better TA's mental speech will be.
When we talk about educating children, we often use some methods, which we call praise and criticism.
Those who praise are called focusing on the positive, while those who criticize are focusing on the negative. Then there is a word called unconditional positive attention and correct appreciation. So there are actually two different ideas. Unconditional positive attention comes from saying that when a person's growth of TA is influenced by parents' evaluation or external evaluation, this person becomes more and more divorced from his own heart. Therefore, the worse the self-function of TA, the worse the psychological quality.
So what is unconditional positive concern? In other words, when the child has negative emotions, we should take the initiative to pay attention to him. When the child has bad performance, we still love him and pay attention to him. In other words, we won't pay attention to him unless he does something well. This concept comes from the core concept of the great humanistic psychologist Rogers. The difference here is between behaviorism and humanism.
I want to expand this part a little:
Because behaviorism will say that if the child does something right, we will give him a positive reinforcement. If he does something wrong, we will give him a retreat and a punishment. Praise is positive reinforcement and criticism is negative reinforcement. Ignoring what caused it to stop happening and weaken is called regression. Before the third grade of primary school, this management method was quite popular with children. However, behaviorism is not so effective when children are older, almost past grade five or six. Therefore, some parents will find that it is more and more difficult to teach children at this age. In fact, their "difficult to teach" change occurred in the third and fourth grades.
We often praise children (just said don't praise children), but we should use methods when appreciating children. Here are some books or systems, one is called positive discipline and the other is called non-violent communication. (All the books are open ~)
Non-violent communication means that if our daily life is full of all kinds of analysis, evaluation and suggestions, the child can't get his inner integration, and TA can't know his interaction with the world. TA's self-esteem is mainly used to prevent others from evaluating TA, so when children grow up in a behaviorist living environment, TA will find it more and more difficult to handle their emotions, and their "sense of self" is getting weaker and weaker, so TA is becoming more and more difficult to control itself, so we need non-violent communication and correct appreciation methods to help children.
It says that the brain has amygdala, which will automatically record negative information, and bad things from small to large will be automatically recorded. However, the part of our brain that does not record good things is to automatically record good things, which usually needs to be tempted, such as what good things have happened recently? Who is the one to thank? What do you admire about yourself? When our brain habitually looks back at beautiful things and does nothing, the whole emotional state will be much better at this time, which comes from the research of positive psychology.
When a child grows up, what is more important is his cognitive style, also called explanatory style. We call it a habit of thinking.
If this child has a healthy cognitive style, they will be more optimistic, and optimistic children have better immunity to negative emotions. From this perspective, parents can do many things to help their children have a better mental health level from childhood to adulthood.
I sent two pictures. Look at the second picture first. Let's look at the specific dimensions of the whole parenting style as parents:
One is control and regulation, and the other is laissez-faire and concealment. Through this, we can know how the behavior is laissez-faire and how the other dimension treats it emotionally.
Many teachers have a saying that it is actually wrong to accept children unconditionally. As mentioned in many courses, if children want to become healthier and know more about love, they must accept TA unconditionally. Then many parents will be very entangled and say, if the child does something wrong, then do we have to accept TA unconditionally? Admittedly, this sentence is wrong and confuses two concepts of Rogers.
Rogers said, we should accept a person's emotions, we should accept this person's true colors, that is, we should give positive attention unconditionally. For children's education, we accept TA emotionally, but control TA in behavior. This situation is more effective for children.
This model shows us how parents will influence their children.
For example, Quadrant 2: We will see that some parents control their behavior, but they don't accept their children's emotions and can't understand their feelings and experiences. Then we will find that these children's temper is stubborn, because there is no way to express their emotions.
Quadrant 4: I also see that some children are very headstrong. Why are you willful? In other words, if TA is in a bad mood, parents will feel distressed, and then they will not control TA's behavior. That means parents are too tolerant. As a result, there is no way to deal with children's emotions. They may feel better, but their behavior will become very chaotic.
Quadrant three is another situation: ignoring children's emotions, and then ignoring TA's behavior, sometimes it can be said that it is a broken jar, which leads to problems for children to integrate into society in the future. So usually, parents are not always in this state from the beginning. Maybe they don't know which direction their dimension is in some behaviors, and do more and do less. In this way, their children's personality defects are gradually formed.
Of course, as children grow up, supervision will become more and more relaxed. And this kind of acceptance of children's emotions, many parents will do better and better, this is because parents' psychological maturity is getting higher and higher, and they know more about love.
The healthiest parents who are conducive to children's emotional development are quadrant one: authoritative, gentle and firm, able to understand and understand children's strong emotions, and also able to give guidance and guidance, so that children can release their emotions safely and effectively cope with challenges and setbacks.
These four-dimensional models will gradually become a situation that affects children's sense of security and emotions, which is the situation in the second picture I just sent.
If we want children to stand on their own feet, we hope that their attachment style is a safe attachment style. If children are always in a state of anxiety, TA is clingy and always bothers adults, which leads to the change of parenting style, then parents will feel very embarrassed. There are some children who are difficult to teach. As the saying goes, they are naughty, and their parents don't know that the TA jar is broken.
Therefore, we say that attachment style has a far-reaching impact on children's emotions. Studies have shown that it affects a person's personality by 30%.
I have talked about many theories before. Now, let's share some key tips:
This picture shows why there are different types of children's attachment styles, and there is an internal structure in this type. This internal structure is that I deserve to be loved or not, and others deserve to be trusted or not. This state leads to great differences in children's mental health level.
For example, children with safe attachment will have higher mental health level and better emotional stability of TA. If our parents don't cultivate their children's attachment style well enough, children will have many emotions, such as raising children with many problems. So children's self-discipline has a lot to do with their parents. If parents don't know their parenting style and their attachment type, there will be many problems.
I want to borrow this model, which is to make good use of "four moments".
These four moments originally came from a model used in marriage counseling. We say that the two couples have gradually become estranged because of their busy work or because of various situations such as life changes. Therefore, some methods are needed to improve the relationship between husband and wife, and the improvement of parents' relationship has a great influence on children's mood.
This is a strategy of exchanging quality for time, which helps us to cope with the lack of time to accompany our partners and children-to meet the needs of attachment (attachment needs)
So how do you understand these four moments?
For example, if we need children's help, then we will thank TA. Then when we want to be separated from our children, we'd better tell TA that mom and dad are going to leave for a while. What will you do at this time? When will we come back? When we are apart, we may be a little worried or a little sad. Tell the children first, so that they will be less anxious when they are separated, and TA will be more emotionally stable when she goes to kindergarten.
When we get help from our children or love from TA, we must say thank you. This may sound polite, but it is helpful to cultivate the feeling that "I am a worthy person and I am a valuable person". In addition, at the moment of meeting, we can make good use of the moment of meeting to express our thoughts about him and our joy at meeting, so that even if we don't spend much time with our children, the concentration of this love will increase.