During 47 years of marriage, Shirley Mills kept some things from her husband Gerard, such as how much she really spent on cosmetics. Or how she indulges her children.
But these are not as good as what Mills called "a real gross negligence" in her relationship with her husband. This involves her ex-boyfriend Jim.
After 47 years of marriage, there are several things that Shirley Mills hasn't told her husband Gerald Mills, such as the time she really spends on makeup, such as how much she dotes on her children.
But none of these things can have anything to do with Shelley avoiding her husband? Shocking secret? Compared with. The secret involves her ex-boyfriend Jim.
In the early years of her marriage, living in the small town of Hope, Utah, Ms. Mills sometimes met Jim and his family, who used to be her close friends. Mills knows that her husband is jealous and grumpy, and she will try to avoid her ex-boyfriend, or, if she fails, talk to him as little as possible. She knew that her husband suspected that she might still have feelings for her old lover.
When Shelley first got married, she lived in the small town of Hope, Utah. She sometimes meets Jim and his family, who used to be very close. Shelley knows that her husband is jealous and grumpy, so she tries to avoid mentioning her ex-boyfriend, and if she has to, she tries to mention it as little as possible. She knew that her husband suspected that she still had feelings for her old lover.
Later, Ms. Mills learned that Jim's mother was very ill and wanted to see her. Mills went to the hospital, and the woman made a request before she died: Can Mills talk to Jim and encourage him to sell his family business (a bar, then known as a club in Utah) and try to live a more stable life? This woman believes that Jim still loves his ex-girlfriend and will listen to her.
Later, Shelley knew that Jim's mother was very ill and wanted to meet her. Shelley went to the hospital, and Jim's mother made a request to her before she died: Can Shelley talk to Jim and encourage him to sell his family business (a bar, then known as a club in Utah) and seek a more stable life? Jim's mother believes that Jim still loves his ex-girlfriend and will listen to her advice.
Mills decided to try her best to help, but she knew she couldn't tell her husband. She plans to meet Jim at his sister's house and take her toddler son with her to make sure her predecessor doesn't misunderstand. She stayed for 20 minutes, then went home, and didn't tell her husband about meeting for 40 years. It's a little overwhelming for me,' Ms. mills said But I know I did the right thing.
Shelley decided to try her best to help, but she knew she couldn't tell her husband. She decided to meet Jim at his sister's house and take her toddler son with her to make sure her ex-boyfriend didn't misunderstand. She stayed there for 20 minutes and then went home. She hasn't told her husband about this meeting for 40 years. Shelley said, it makes me insomnia. But I know I did the right thing. ?
If you think this evasion sounds like lying, you are right. However, seemingly harmless lies that spouses and romantic partners sometimes tell each other have other names.
If you think this evasion sounds like lying, then you are right. But there are also some other words that can be used to describe this seemingly harmless lie between husband and wife.
Hiding worries or worries is to protect your partner from unpleasant things, or even just to keep peace? Researchers call it a "protective buffer" to hide something to protect yourself, such as how much did you spend on your new toy? Researchers call it avoidance. Routine buffering can become avoidance or worse.
Hide your troubles or worries from your partner, or just to keep calm? Researchers call it? Protective buffer? . Researchers say hiding something to protect yourself-such as how much you spent on a new toy-is an escape. Constant buffering will become escape, or even worse.
Sean Holland, a professor of relationship communication at Depaul University in Chicago, said that couples often mistakenly believe that total openness is always the best. But he said that even avoidance, as long as it is not excessive, may be an "effective strategy." Think about how you would feel if your partner told you any or all of the following:
Sean Horan, a professor of interpersonal communication at Depaul University in Chicago, said that couples often mistakenly believe that nothing is always the best. But he said, when we have a good proper limit, even if we escape, it may be one? Effective strategy? . Think about how you would feel if your partner told you the following things:
I left work early to have a drink with your annoying friend.
? I left work early to have a drink with your annoying friend. ?
"I can't stand your brother,"
? I can't stand your brother. ?
Yes, those jeans make you look fat.
? Yes, you look fat in these jeans. ?
Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia, said that the more honest couples are, the less happy they are. Her research focuses on communication in interpersonal relationships. In dozens of studies in the past 20 years, Dr. Denton found that people often say that sharing too much is a source of dissatisfaction in relationships.
Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia, said that the more honest couples are, the less happy they are. Her research focuses on interpersonal communication. In dozens of studies in the past 20 years, Dr. Denton found that people often say that sharing their thoughts too much is one of the reasons for their dissatisfaction with marriage.
Will openness lead to dissatisfaction? Or are dissatisfied people more open? Dr Denton said she didn't know.
Does honesty lead to dissatisfaction with marriage? Or are people who are dissatisfied with their marriage more likely to be honest? Dr Denton said she had no way of knowing.
Dr Denton said that it is usually good to avoid an argument by avoiding a topic. But avoiding topics like financial mismanagement or addiction is not a protective buffer. Too selfish. As for the biggest lie, marital infidelity-therapists say it is an important question whether to tell it or not, but it is not the first problem to be solved when a person is unfaithful to his spouse.
Dr Denton said that it is usually a good practice to avoid talking about a problem to avoid quarreling. But avoiding talking about financial mismanagement or drug addiction is not a protective buffer, but selfish. As for the biggest lie-marital infidelity-whether it is said is an important question, but the therapist said that infidelity is not the most important issue that people need to emphasize.
Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis. If it is disclosed in advance or discovered later, will this information do more harm to the relationship? Experts say that if concealment hinders intimacy, you can consider making it public. But if it only hurts your partner, don't say it.
Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis: Do early confession and late confession do more harm to marriage? Experts say that if hiding information will hinder intimacy, then you should consider telling the truth. But if you only hurt your partner, don't say it.
There is no need to mention your infatuation with colleagues. Toni Coleman, a practicing clinical social worker and interpersonal coach in McLean, Virginia, said that the spread of ideas is never a good thing. Beware of "supposed secrets", secrets that you only think you are keeping. You're probably broke.
There is no need to mention your admiration for your colleagues. Tony Coleman, a registered clinical social worker and interpersonal coach in McLean, Virginia: It's never a good idea to speak your mind widely. ? Be careful, too? Suppose a secret? That is, the secret you think you keep. It is possible that you have been infected.
The buffering method you choose will be very different: research shows that lying actively is more harmful than avoiding it.
The way you choose to buffer is very important: research shows that lying on your own initiative is more destructive than escaping.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relations in 2009 found that 7 1% of partners voluntarily told their liars that it created a distance. Of those whose partners keep secrets but don't lie, only 43% said it would create a distance.
A research paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relations in 2009 pointed out that 7 1% of the people whose partners lied to them on their own initiative said that doing so would create a sense of distance. Among those whose partners keep secrets but don't lie, only 43% said it would create a sense of distance.
John Caughlin, the lead researcher of the study and a professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, said that when people openly lie, they turn something unimportant into a bigger problem. Experts say gender is not a factor-both men and women hide information.
John Colin, the lead researcher of this study and a professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, said? When people openly lie, they turn unimportant things into big problems. ? Experts say that gender is not the decisive factor-both men and women hide information.
Gerald Mills, a 67-year-old retired factory manager, has been sharing his secrets for years. He hid new hunting and fishing equipment in the truck and went out for a drink with his friends instead of running errands. Once, when his wife was not at home, he took their young son out for a lobster dinner and made them swear to keep it a secret. There is no need to guess how he was caught.
Gerald Mills, 67, was the manager of a manufacturing factory before he retired. He has kept a secret for many years. He hid his new hunting gear in the truck, didn't run errands, and went out to drink with his friends. Once, when his wife was out, he took his young sons to a lobster dinner and made them swear to keep it a secret. Needless to guess, he was caught.
Mills later wrote a book about her marriage. "I almost divorced my husband, but I chose to go on strike," she said. She never doubted her decision to keep the meeting a secret long time ago. (When the ex-boyfriend heard his mother's wishes, he was relieved; He thinks she wants him to continue the business. ) After his ex-wife died about a year ago, Mills finally told her husband. Mills said that at that time, I would be very angry and think that she was cheating on me, which would ruin my marriage. Instead, "we went to bed happily."
Shelley later wrote a book about her marriage called "I almost divorced my husband, but I went on strike". She said that she never questioned her decision to keep her mouth shut about meeting her ex-boyfriend a long time ago. Her ex-boyfriend was relieved to hear her mother's wish. He thinks her mother wants him to continue his business. Shelley finally told her husband about it after her ex-boyfriend died about a year ago. Gerald said, at that time, I thought I would be angry and think that she had cheated me, which would ruin our marriage. ? But the opposite is true. We went to bed happily. .