Deep reflection, I don't love this major, and I don't want to spend more time procrastinating, which leads to the terrible situation now. Insufficient preparation in the early stage and insufficient information in the later stage, can you write a good article? I can't. During the epidemic, for two months, I wrote 1.2 million words, yes, it was useless, just a pile of waste paper. There are still 20 days left. After learning that 30% of the blind judges beat me, I learned that they would basically rewrite it. There is only one feeling that the cold air keeps pouring into the heart and the temperature is gone. I know, I haven't worked hard enough, but I don't know, I still have this ability, anxiety, powerlessness, helplessness, sadness, ridicule ... all negative emotions come to me, this is the second time I have cried for this paper. Actually, I know a lot about what I wrote. How can you convince others if you can't convince yourself? The teacher just doesn't want to hurt me too much. I know exactly what my thesis is like. I have read many papers written by others, yes, they are all better than me. Those doctoral dissertations with clear thinking are my goals. Of course, I also know that I can't reach that level yet. I understand now that my perfectionism is a kind of cognition of myself and the world. Only by really convincing myself and making due efforts can I win unexpected things with confidence.
On the other hand, am I really because I don't love this major? Would I like to change my major? In order to escape, I study IELTS, guitar, watch movies and TV, learn software, and do everything that has nothing to do with my major, but seems to improve my ability or divert my attention. On the other hand, if my major was English, would I still have the determination to do business now? Will you look for other ways to improve your skills? I have thought about it for a long time, and I think the answer is possible. Then maybe, it's not that I don't love this major, but that I don't want to work hard. In that case, any major is the same. This is my own problem.
I don't know why, the older you get, the more bad habits you have, laziness, social phobia, late procrastination, trying harder to escape, and maybe there are many unknown symptoms. I don't know when these things were added to me. Anyway, they exist now, and they made me who I am today. I know they are all bad and need to be changed, but they always come out unnoticed when things happen. After affecting the development of things, you will suddenly wake up and get sick again. The present situation of this paper must be the result of the comprehensive action of these diseases. Who is to blame? Did the teacher not guide you in advance? Didn't your parents help you? No, no one is responsible for it except yourself.
Think about it, for more than 20 years, the only daughter who grew up under the careful care of her parents can withstand the wind and waves? It's hard. I was so well protected since I was a child that I never wanted to jump out of my comfort zone to meet the challenge. But it's hard, and it doesn't mean that you can't be protected, and it doesn't mean that your will to survive and the fighting capacity that broke out at the critical moment have been disintegrated. Since I have encountered the storm, I will certainly choose to live. This paper may be my attempt, or it may be the first step for me to jump out of my comfort zone. I know that many people may tell me what you are, and there are still many storms in the future. Yes, let me grow up from now on, starting with a paper, get rid of those bad habits, open my wings to meet the challenge, and hope that even if there are no more storms in the future, I will no longer be afraid. In 20 days, I can!
Not thinking deeply.
2020.3. 13