1, preface, John guttman mentioned the Seattle Love Lab in one of his books. More than 200 couples live in the laboratory as usual.
Psychologists observe their ways of getting along, communicating and dealing with contradictions in the camera. We should study the mystery of marriage and love, what is the magic weapon to maintain marriage and what is the killer to destroy marriage.
Before sorting out the research results, they found another wonderful thing: after observing a couple for five minutes, experts can predict whether the couple will get along happily or part ways painfully. The accuracy of this prediction is as high as 9 1%. If they followed the lives of more than 200 couples in a thousand years, they found that 965,438+0% of them were married exactly as they had predicted.
Why do psychologists see the future of a relationship in five minutes? What is it that makes them judge so firmly?
2. What is the tumor of marriage?
Before saying this, which of the following situations do you think is a malignant tumor of marriage?
(1) Third Party
(2) Poverty
(3) unable to communicate
I believe that a large number of people will choose a third party. John gotman, through a large number of surveys, found that 80% of divorced men and women believe that the breakdown of marriage is due to the gradual estrangement from each other, the loss of intimacy, or the lack of love and appreciation. Only 20%-27% couples say that extramarital affairs are partly responsible.
3. Communication is the main reason.
The breakdown of marriage, extramarital affairs accounted for some factors, poverty also accounted for some factors, and many other reasons may also play a role. But these are not the most important. The most important thing is whether the husband and wife communicate actively, whether they can be responsible for themselves and renew themselves.
For example, you, who are reading this article, will feel that your life is full of all kinds of quarrels. The husband asked, "Why didn't you cook tonight?" When the wife with a negative attitude heard this, the fire suddenly jumped up: "You can't cook if you can't cook? I am not your nanny? "
Jill is a big grouch. If the husband is equally negative, he will hear severe criticism, feel the attack and start a defensive counterattack, saying, "You came home earlier than me. Shouldn't you be cooking? " What's your name? I've never seen such a crazy person as you, acting like a madman every day.
4. Words only kill people, not communicate.
From the trial of events to attacks on people; Stop talking about things and talk about people. At this point, words are just sand, not communication. You will see their voices getting louder and louder, and everyone is trapped in their own logic, unable to hear each other's voices, angry, lonely and desperate.
If you pull the problem apart and look inside, you will find that it is actually deeper and more hidden problems that lead to these conflicts. These problems are more intense and harmful than quarreling. The wife does not feel love, care, care, appreciation and security; Husbands don't feel understanding, respect, trust and acceptance. This is the core of the relationship can not be intimate, but also the root of marital misfortune.
5. Look down at yourself.
This is why psychologists can observe a couple's future in five minutes. How to communicate is how to get along; How to get along with each other determines whether marriage is happy or painful; Happiness or pain, that is, it determines whether this relationship is going to happiness or death.
Having said that, someone must have said, "I also want to get along with my husband, but I can't." "I also want to cook dinner with my wife, but it's really too difficult." Everyone's heart is full of disappointment, resentment, anger and hostility to each other.
Staring at each other at this time will only make the relationship worse and worse. We should put aside our concern, judgment and blame for each other and lower our heads to examine ourselves.
6. There are two kinds of love.
If you are a wife, do you give yourself the love, care, care, appreciation and security you need? If you are a husband, you need to understand, respect, trust and accept. Have you ever done it for yourself?
True love only happens between two strong people who can take responsibility for themselves and make themselves grow: a happy marriage only happens between two adults who face life positively. There are two kinds of love.
Psychologist Louis divides love into love out of necessity and love given, while Maslow, the father of humanistic psychology, divides love into love out of lack and love out of existence. No matter how it is distinguished, the essence is the same: it is all taking. Courtship inevitably leads to control and coercion.
It can not only make people restless, but also trap a person's growth. Because, you will blame others, find scapegoats for your own problems, destroy each other's freedom, and create burdens and imprisonment for each other.
7. Conclusion
Only when you begin to realize and fill the black hole in your heart with clear wisdom will you begin to grow, and love will begin to flow, share and give. Only our own perfection can make love overflow from our hearts, nourish and warm each other like rain and sunshine.
A wife loves herself, lives happily and never cares about her husband. The husband is also very happy, because he has got the space to relax and be free. This relationship is the best in the world. It is not the torture of debt and debt collection, but a harmonious dance of life, not mutual warmth, but a pleasant journey of life. This kind of marriage can last longer.