Not long ago, there was a scene in the variety "The Tale of Teenagers" that made me very sad.

A girl cried and loudly accused her mother:

"Why do you always compare me with other students? Why can't I ever see my efforts? "

As a result, her mother responded coldly: "In fact, I have been hitting you all the time. With your character, if you don't bump, you will float. "

When a girl wipes her tears and says that her personality is not suitable for attack.

Mom still sticks to her own ideas. "When you are strong, I think I need to make moves. When you are weak, I think I need to push you. "

The daughter found that no matter what she said, she couldn't convince her mother, so she walked off the stage in tears.

Soon, this conversation boarded a hot search in Weibo, and many netizens said:

"In this girl, I saw myself that year."

How many children have been beaten by their parents since childhood?

Many parents always ignore this point, and they attack, ridicule and even insult their children unscrupulously.

However, I never imagined that language violence, although not attacking the body, is attacking the heart, and the injury index is particularly alarming.

02

I believe that most parents really love their children, which is beyond doubt.

But many times, they are full of love, but they are ferocious.

These are common expressions used by parents to scold their children.

Some parents are not unaware that these words will hurt their children, nor are they unable to control their emotions and vent.

I just take it for granted that I can't say too many nice things to my children. I can't stand it if I say a few words. How can I live in society in the future?

Safekids, a global child safety organization, has released such a poster.

A lost child with a 26-point test paper. His eyes drooped and his expression was tense, and he looked very scared.

Carved on him is what his parents said to him:

"Did the pig eat your brain?"

"Do you dare to go home after the exam?"

The child accidentally broke the vase, lowered his head and was at a loss.

Before I could admit my mistake, my parents' ugly words swept in like the past:

"I am quick every day, and I was a troublemaker in my last life?"

"It's not good to have you at home!"

Another child went home with a football. He just played a super interesting football match.

Before I could share my joy with my parents, I began to be rejected:

"I have never seen such a dirty child."

"Did you pick it up from the garbage?"

The producer of the poster impressed every word deeply on the child, just like a scar.

I hope to warn parents of the serious harm of verbal violence to their children.

But there are still many people who don't agree with this and think it's just grandstanding.

How can verbal violence harm children's health?

But the following two studies may give you a new understanding of the harm of language violence.

According to Dr. Ethan Cross of the University of Michigan:

When a person is attacked by verbal violence, his emotional pain reacts in the brain region, which is very similar to physical pain, and the nervous system can experience almost the same degree of pain.

In other words, when parents abuse their children, the emotional trauma suffered by the children is comparable to the pain of physical injury!

Dr Martin Taicher of Harvard Medical School found that:

The brain regions most susceptible to verbal violence are corpus callosum (mainly responsible for transmitting motivation, sensation and cognitive information between the two hemispheres), hippocampus (responsible for managing emotions) and frontal lobe (responsible for thinking and decision-making).

The child's brain is still developing. If they always live in a harsh and scarce environment, their brains will develop into a "survival mode" structure that adapts to the environment, forming a cowardly and inferiority complex.

Therefore, we can see that many people with poor childhood and unfortunate families find it difficult to change their thinking mode even if their living environment has been greatly improved in adulthood.

Premature stress will not only improve children's psychological quality, but also make them too cautious and timid. Moreover, such a change is irreversible for life.

03

You know, children are at an ignorant age, parents are the closest people to children, and their words are the truth.

Parents' words and deeds, even an expression, will have a subtle influence on children's character shaping.

I remember when I was a child, my neighbor Zhang Yijia often heard the sound of beating and scolding children.

Once I went to her house, my mother bought a new pair of shoes for her daughter Qiqi. Qiqi was sleeping at that time and was shouted by Zhang Yi.

Maybe it's just that I got up and looked lazy and unwilling to cooperate.

Aunt Zhang said "turn around" and Kiki turned around.

"Move your feet and close your feet?" "It's okay."

"Is the color ok?" "It's okay."

"Is the style ok?" "It's okay."

Seeing her daughter so perfunctory, Zhang Yi came up angrily.

"Are you dead? Don't you have your own opinion? "

Hearing this, the daughter bowed her head and said nothing.

"People give you something and ask if you like it? Mute, talk. "

See kiki still don't talk, zhang yi came up to us and gave her a good poke on the head.

"I'm talking about you, do you hear me?"

Kiki's eyes were a little moist, gave her mother a hard white look and slammed the door.

"You still lose your temper and can't teach well. How can I give birth to a fool like you? "

"I can't talk, and people are rude. No wonder reading is so bad! "

My mother and I were scolded very embarrassedly.

Since then, we have never been to Aunt Zhang's house to play.

A few years later, they moved away. I heard that Qiqi didn't even get into high school, and then went to the hair salon to be a shampoo girl, and was fired because of her bad attitude.

Maybe you will think that Kiki is a bad boy who has no intention of learning since childhood.

But in fact, in primary school, Kiki's grades were not very bad. Although she is not the best, she has an upper-middle level.

Later, with Zhang Yi's insults, Kiki's study began to plummet, in exchange for worse.

Since then, Kiki's life has entered a vicious circle. Slowly, she doesn't even want to go to class.

They will habitually criticize and deny themselves and feel that they are useless. Even if the person who criticized you as an adult no longer exists, this critical attitude will remain in their hearts, and they will often criticize themselves.

Therefore, your casual sentence is the most heartfelt evaluation in the child's heart. Whether a child's life is positive or negative depends on his parents' thoughts.

04

There is a question in Zhihu: What is the experience of being scolded by parents and wanting to commit suicide?

Among them, the response of rave reviews is distressing and desperate.

"I was so sad that I cried myself to death. My parents looked at me and said," What's the matter? "

In addition to the above-mentioned weak and inferior personality, language violence may also push children to the other extreme.

Is to turn emotions into strong aggression, kill yourself, or kill others.

20 14 "Language Violence", a silver prize work of Cannes International Creative Festival directed by Xie Yong, tells the relationship between language violence and violence.

In the film, he interviewed several juvenile delinquents in Shenyang juvie.

They were treated with verbal violence by their parents since childhood.

Pig brain, waste, shame, why don't you die.

Xie Yong regards these most representative keywords related to language violence as "weapons".

After years of abuse and complaints, these children suffered psychological torture.

They become violent and heartless when they grow up.

Some rob casinos and shoot people;

Use an axe to chop each other to death;

There is also a fruit knife to poke everyone.

The parents of these children ruined their children's future with violent words, and also brought irreparable harm to others and other families.

Your carelessness ruined the child's life.

05

Many times, it is much easier to cultivate a healthy child than to repair a broken adult.

Every child wants to be affirmed and recognized, especially from parents. When parents know how to consider their children's feelings and show more acceptance and love, children can face life more actively.

Marshall Luxembourg, a famous psychologist, mentioned a harmonious way of parent-child communication in his book Non-violent Communication:

Observation is the first step in nonviolent communication. Parents should carefully observe their children's behavior and tell the results of the observation. The first step to make a good observation is not to define a child's behavior.

For example, when the teacher tells the parents that the child didn't hand in his homework, don't say to the child, "Why don't you do your homework again?"

As long as parents judge their children's behavior, they will cause rebellious psychology in their children's hearts.

The observation without comment is "Why don't you do your homework?" This is an objective problem. Children will say that because the homework is too difficult, too much, or they don't like the teacher, parents can carry out the next education and guidance.

Many parents like to be eager for success, but they ignore their children's mood.

For example, if parents ask their children to clean the room, and the children get upset and spill water all over the floor, they will say to them, "How can you be so stupid that you can't even do this little thing well?"

This is very harmful to the child's feelings. Maybe children just want to be lazy, but they are labeled as stupid and incompetent.

At this time, both parents and children should express their feelings. Parents are trying to exercise their children's autonomy and educate them not to be so lazy. If the child is still unwilling, you can be tough, but you can't blame it.

When most parents hear a bad word, they will have three reaction options.

For example, when a child says to his mother, "Mom, your cooking is not delicious."

The first is anger. "I have worked hard to cook for you, and I dare to dislike it if I don't eat well."

The second is to shirk and blame each other. "Then I quit. Do it yourself. "

The third is to understand and understand the child's needs with your heart and see if the child is uncomfortable. If everything is all right, you should consider improving your cooking.

Parents should not always be impulsive, but should find out their children's real needs through communication.

Tell children clearly what they should do.

For example, when a child goes out to dawdle, the mother usually says to the child, "Can you hurry up? You are always dawdling, and you have to be urged to wait for you every time. "

This is not a specific requirement, but a disguised criticism, which is a moral kidnapping that takes advantage of children's guilt.

When children generally hear this, they will have a strong rebellious mentality and continue to be leisurely.

In this case, the mother should say to the child, "We are going to be late. Let's go out in five minutes. " This is a specific requirement for children.

It is never easy to communicate well with children. After all, children and parents have many years of life experience gap.

Many things that are easy for parents are difficult for children.

This requires parents to be more patient, carefully observe the child's behavior, carefully feel the child's psychology, analyze its reasons, and then put forward specific requirements for the child.

When you do the above, you will find that a child can't grow up without scolding, and the teaching of spring breeze can also make him grow sturdily.