In the society of Taiwan Province Province, the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a very unique existence, because the traditional concept of family in Taiwan Province Province, "vertical axis"-the relationship between parents and children is very important, parents take children as the center, and all efforts and ideas are aimed at raising children. However, in a more modern concept, Taiwan Province Province has gradually absorbed the concept of family from western countries, so young people generally believe that the family should be dominated by the "nuclear family", that is, the "axis of husband and wife" is the most important. Therefore, when these two axes must coincide in life, problems will appear one after another.
For people with traditional family values, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are the main axis, and sons' marrying daughters-in-law is a sideline. Therefore, it is natural to think that a daughter-in-law must cooperate with the main shaft when getting married. If she can't cooperate, she will think that her daughter-in-law has "adaptation difficulties." Dr. Deng said that he once received a case in which his daughter-in-law was introduced to see a psychologist because of "adjustment disorder", but if he stood in the position of his daughter-in-law, he felt that her mother-in-law had "interference problems" and there was a considerable gap between the two sides.
In today's Taiwan Province Province, the implied family differences are still very large. Dr. Deng suggested that people should always evaluate their mother-in-law relationship. First of all, they should confirm whether their family concept is "the axis of husband and wife" or whether it is the traditional concept of family of origin that leads to confusion. In addition, we should also confirm the marriage view of the other half. If we can't go back to the basic point of communication and find the problem, then the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law remains unsolved.
From the mother-in-law's point of view, many mothers-in-law think it is difficult to win the battle with their daughter-in-law, so they no longer ask for their daughter-in-law, but their hearts are out of sync. Just because of this preset idea, it will not be conducive to family familiarity, break the bridge of communication, and accumulate a lot of emotions that cannot be resolved. Therefore, Dr. Deng suggested that you communicate with your partner about family values first, and then help your partner clarify his ambiguity about family values. As long as this is clear, many problems can be solved. Dr. Deng also advised her mother-in-law, since the daughter-in-law is her own family, it takes some time to get married, so if you have any requirements and expectations for your daughter-in-law, you must express them clearly in the form of discussion and meeting, which is better than swallowing up or getting angry.
Dr. Deng gave an example. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live under the same roof, but her mother-in-law is very dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law's only washing clothes for three days, so she can't help washing clothes, and her daughter-in-law becomes angry. She thinks this is different from her habit of washing clothes, but it also makes her mother-in-law more angry. Not only did she not appreciate it, but she also complained that she was kind enough to help, so they had a cold war, but they both complained about the same man, a man who had both a son and a husband. However, this often only makes things more complicated.
Dr. Deng believes that from the standpoint of a mother-in-law, the habits and rules of this family should be introduced and stated first when the daughter-in-law enters the door, and the daughter-in-law can also be frank about her habits, so that her thoughts can communicate with each other instead of living with suspicion.
Deng Huiwen: "The problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not only the problem of mother-in-law, but also the relationship between husband and wife. 」
When a daughter-in-law or mother-in-law complains about each other, is she complaining about each other or about her husband/son?
I often hear my daughter-in-law complaining to her husband that her mother-in-law said, "Your mother doesn't respect me and cares about me. Dr. Deng said that this sentence implies that both husband and wife have not managed to have a certain trust, that is, the wife can't trust her husband to fully respect her. Because if her husband respects her, she should be allowed to live in the way she wants, so when she disagrees with her mother-in-law, she can communicate with her mother-in-law calmly instead of blindly following her instructions. Therefore, I usually can't respond to my mother-in-law. I can only complain afterwards because I feel that my husband won't allow and support her to disagree with her mother-in-law, so I can only hope that my husband can help by complaining.
Dr. Deng found that many modern women have unrealistic expectations of themselves in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. On the one hand, they don't want to live for their mother-in-law, but they can't stand her dissatisfaction with themselves. This rather contradictory mentality will make many small things very difficult, and my husband can't help.
Dr. Deng suggested that women who are deeply involved in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should try to look back and see if they are in a relationship between husband and wife, and whether they negatively expect their husbands to exploit themselves through their mother-in-law. Do you doubt that your mother-in-law's request is exactly what your husband expected? Or do you think that the husband considers the interests of family of origin, not the needs of his wife? The anger derived from these attitudes is aimed at the mother-in-law on the surface, but at the husband in essence, so the problem is actually not the mother-in-law but the husband-and-wife problem. If this essence is not handled properly, it will be difficult to improve the deadlock.
Another common fault of modern couples is that both husband and wife feel unequal to each other's efforts. For example, when the wife is the main caregiver of the children, if the husband does not take the initiative to take care of his wife often emotionally, but wants his wife to take care of her husband's family more, this will make their status more unbalanced. The wife thinks, "you didn't support me, didn't give me anything, but asked me to serve everything"; If a wife feels satisfied with what her husband gives her, it will be easier to take care of her husband's family. I don't think this is haggle over every ounce, but the natural psychology of people's basic balance of supply and demand.
Therefore, when the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot be solved, we might as well move the focus of this problem back to the relationship between husband and wife and explore whether the problem originated from husband and wife, so as to better communicate and discuss the most satisfactory solution for each other.