No matter who you are, you have been trying to establish a psychological "sense of security" all your life since you were born. In the process of building a sense of security, you need to cultivate a sense of security-the awareness of automatic patrol in any environment; Master two kinds of "abilities"-self-help ability in the face of danger and repair ability after trauma.
Recently, I heard teacher Wan Weigang talk about a new book "Option B: Facing adversity, building resilience and looking for happiness" in the elite day class column in the APP. This book was written by Sheryl Thunberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook in the United States. It tells the story of her maintenance experience after losing her husband, which greatly inspired me and caused me to think about the previous "safety education" iteratively.
If you want to live a safe and happy life, you must know the following "three questions" about life safety:
On the road of life growth, our first task is to avoid becoming victims. How can we avoid being a victim?
First, we should learn to identify dangers, be alert to the environment and identify bad people.
In the "early warning environment", you should know what will happen and what kind of danger probability is high, always check what danger signals are in your environment, and pay attention to which objects in the environment may be dangerous.
In "identifying bad guys", we should learn to identify common bad guys such as thieves, liars and perverts from the clothes, manners and language of strangers or acquaintances. Only by identifying the danger in advance can we stay away from it.
Second, we must learn to protect ourselves, learn to ask for help, learn to save ourselves, be prepared for danger in times of peace, and strive to minimize our own injuries.
As for "asking for help", you can agree with your family in advance to ask for help (for example, "11"means being abducted, "123" means being followed by suspicious people, etc.). ), and when we are in trouble, we can send a signal to help each other. If we accidentally fall into a hole or ditch, we must shout loudly and throw out what we have in our hands so that people behind us can hear or see it.
In terms of "self-help", when we are in danger, we must first calm down and judge whether we can escape immediately. We must never stay still or run to the danger source. In order to protect ourselves, we can say "no" to strangers, we can not tell the truth, and we can even do some acts of self-defense that hurt the perpetrators. For example, Professor Wang Dawei of the People's Public Security University of China taught women that if they can't escape rape, they can use three measures to defend themselves: the first measure is to grab a handful of soil on the spot and suddenly hold it in front of him; The second trick is to poke his eyes with your fingers; Third, put your knees on his crotch.
(See my previous article "Every family should give their children two life safety lessons" for details.)
Regarding the safety of life, we can't just avoid becoming victims, but more importantly, we should put an end to becoming perpetrators. Because there are fewer "perpetrators" in a society, there are naturally fewer "victims" who cause man-made injuries, and we have a safer and more harmonious social environment.
How to stop being a "perpetrator"? We need to do two things: first, we can't hurt ourselves. You must not intentionally hurt yourself, such as drowning while swimming, being hit by other vehicles when crossing the road, and you must guard against intentional injuries, such as not hurting yourself or committing suicide; Second, you can't harm people. You should be careful not to hurt others unintentionally, for example, you should be careful not to stab others with sharp objects, and you should put an end to intentionally hurting others, for example, you should not deliberately deceive others emotionally.
I especially want to talk about children's "self-mutilation" when swimming. Last month, my child swam in the swimming pool with a swimming ring. Due to my negligence, I left her and went to the dressing room to be taken care of by her mother, who was practicing swimming and forgot to take care of her. The child accidentally dropped the swimming ring and drank a lot of water while playing hi. Fortunately, some staff found it in time. After this incident, I have a lingering fear and have been thinking, can children really learn to swim to prevent drowning?
According to statistics, two thirds of the drowned children are good swimmers. But many swimming classes take "preventing drowning" as a selling point. Many parents, like me, instinctively hope that their children can have one more survival skill. Why do children learn to swim or drown? A Canadian professor who specializes in children's safety said that our understanding of swimming lessons is wrong. The role of swimming class is to make children feel comfortable with the water, rather than patting the water, and they can swim on their own. These are all routine swimming skills.
However, to prevent drowning, we need another set of skills, that is, the skills to deal with emergencies. For example, the child is tired and can't swim, his leg cramps, his feet are entangled in something, and he just feels uncomfortable in the water ... what should I do at these times? In the face of these emergencies, whether children can keep calm, not panic, concentrate and hold their breath for a few seconds is the skill to prevent drowning, which is not taught in general swimming classes.
There are many uncertainties in this world. No matter how careful you are, you may encounter all kinds of misfortunes, such as losing your loved ones and getting sick. How can we overcome our sadness and even "grow up after trauma"? If some friends around you are in trouble, how can you help them?
Studies show that about 15% people will get a disease called "post-traumatic stress disorder" after a major blow, which is a serious injury and difficult to recover; Some people will show strong anti-strike ability and can return to the original level; There are still some people who can not only recover, but also grow up in trauma and eventually surpass the original level.
Let's first look at how some people overcome their sadness after suffering misfortune. Psychologist Martin seligman told us that to overcome sadness, we must do the following three things:
1. Don't blame yourself.
When we encounter misfortune, a natural reaction is to blame ourselves. Unfortunately, we always feel that if I hadn't done this, I might have avoided this misfortune, but this reasoning is wrong. It just happened to you, not necessarily because of you.
2. Believe that sadness will not accompany you forever.
Sadness usually weakens over time, and children recover faster. Each of us has a psychological immune system, which will try to make us feel better and calm our sadness. This is one of the functions of this system.
Don't think that the blow you suffered is all-round.
When people first encounter misfortune, they will think that it is not only a disaster, but also their other aspects are finished. How to solve it? On the one hand, we think more about the good aspects of life; On the other hand, think about what will happen if this thing gets worse.
If you can calm down from the above three angles, you will do better in your next efforts. Many times, the human body's system will show "anti-fragility"-it will become stronger after a blow. Because the anti-strike ability is like a muscle, you can make it stronger through exercise and even achieve "post-traumatic growth". "Post-traumatic growth" is generally manifested in the following five situations:
1. Discover your own strength
After trauma, people may find themselves with a power they didn't know before. For example, they find that their eyes on things have changed, and no small matter will put pressure on them, so they can look at things more objectively and neutrally.
Be grateful
Many people will cherish what they have around them more after experiencing great trauma.
Step 3 build a deeper relationship
Many people will build a deeper relationship with you because you are in adversity, because people are more likely to depend on each other in adversity.
4. Discover the meaning of life
Major trauma can make people rethink their lives. Originally, you lived in a muddle, and every day you just worked to earn money to support your family. But now, after a blow, you begin to find the meaning of life.
Looking for new opportunities
When misfortune closes a door for you, it often opens a window for you to find new opportunities different from before.
If friends and relatives around you encounter misfortune, how can you comfort him? In the face of the misfortune of relatives and friends, there are two words you should tell him correctly. In the first sentence, first confirm to him that you know his misfortune; The second sentence is to help. For example, you can say, "I've heard of you, I know." If there's anything I can do, I'm always there. "
(Remarks: Part of this article comes from the elite day class column written by Mr. Wan Weigang)