Recently, there was a topic on the Internet, "How big is the influence of parents' guilty education on children", which quickly rushed to the hot search list. This topic comes from a documentary variety show "Don't underestimate me" which was very popular in children's education some time ago. 1 1 The children were sent to the training camp by their parents. During the scientific growth of the 12 project set by psychologists, they learned how to live independently and how to better integrate into the collective.

In the program, the mother of a 4-year-old girl claims to be a perfectionist and obsessive-compulsive disorder. When I was helping my children with their studies, I began to slap myself. She said, "She just couldn't recite it, and then I got angry. I have no choice but to slap myself. "

So after the program was broadcast, the topic of "guilty education" aroused the resonance of countless netizens. A netizen lamented: "I have a sense of guilt towards my parents since I was a child. Now that I am 30 years old, I still feel very sorry for my parents. I never knew how to describe it. It turned out that I was influenced by this "guilty education" since I was a child. "

Generally speaking, guilty education is an effective way for parents to stimulate their children's sense of guilt and guilt in order to achieve educational goals, because children can easily obey their parents' wishes in a short period of time.

In fact, guilt education is very close to a concept in psychology, which is "guilt induction". This is a communication skill, which can be achieved by making the other person feel guilty.

In the daily communication strategies between parents and children, some parents' guilt education models can be roughly divided into three steps. For example, at first we said, "We can support you so much because we go out to work every night to save money for your school." Then, we said, "But you always let your father and I down and raised you for nothing." Finally, we made a claim for compensation. "You see, mom and dad worked so hard for your school and created something for you.

Therefore, the key trilogy of guilt education is: it's hard for me-it's all your fault-you have to compensate me.

Parents are completely moved by "all for your own good" in the education of "guilt induction", which also contains many unhealthy emotional interaction modes of abuse-abuse between parents and children. Behind these words, parents are actually conveying their anxiety, anxiety, impatience and other emotions to their children, relying too much on their children's emotions.

I remember Huang Zhizhong, an old wonder, told such a story in a program called "Page Say". Every time she eats fish at home, her mother always leaves the fattest fish to her children. She was just a fish head, but it was not until her mother died that she told her son the truth: "I never really liked eating fish heads."

Huang Zhizhong said: "Our relationship with China people is very strange. We always sing a song about a relationship, called' You have to sacrifice, he has to repay'. In fact, the mother kidnapped the child with a fish head for a lifetime and let him live forever. "

In the documentary "Don't underestimate me", Mo Mo's mother taught Mo Mo to study more efficiently by "sucking herself". In order to make her children feel guilty, she relied too much on her negative emotions in her daily speech and behavior. When DOG saw that her mother hurt herself, she would be very unwilling, so she began to find fault with herself, and then she felt helpless, guilty and miserable, forcing herself to meet her mother's demands.

Behind the discourse mechanism of "everything is for your own good" in guilty education is that parents repeatedly emphasize their great sacrifices to their children, making them self-criticize and self-deny. In this way, children are forced to adjust their behavior. However, parents try to restrain their children's obedience with guilt, and the result is often not worth the candle.

As Teacher Tang, a blogger of children's education, said: "Guilty education makes it difficult for children to grow up. He dare not have his own ideas and will, but can only please and obey others, and gain his own space, value and meaning from it. "

For many children, parents are actors with absolute authority for a long time. Guilt education through "self-abuse" often makes children feel fear, and the influence on self-esteem and personality is hard to erase and eliminate in a short time.

The more expectations you place, the less sense of reality and existence you will have in your child's heart, and you will feel inferior in your later life. As the saying goes, a happy childhood can cure a lifetime, and an unfortunate childhood needs a lifetime of healing.

In addition, based on guilt, children will not only be infinitely strict with themselves. It is foreseeable that children may unconsciously stage this educational model in the next generation.

Regarding the result of guilty education, a netizen also said: "What children want is not to design the future, but to explain to their parents, just to make their values live up to their parents' expectations. Children who are considerate and considerate, like adults, have scars and tremors that they should not bear behind their perfect performance. But also unconsciously bring this kind of harm to the next generation. "

1. State objective facts for children

For example, when children don't want to do their homework, parents can tell them directly: "This behavior is wrong. Only when you finish your homework will you know what you don't understand. "

Parents don't need to stretch too much, and they don't need to emphasize to their children that "you are sorry for us if you don't do your homework", so that children will bear too much pressure.

2. Guide children to learn the correct attribution.

For example, many children will fail the exam once, and they will feel guilty and blame themselves, thinking that they are too poor to face the hardships of their parents.

3. Set clear boundaries between right and wrong for children's words and deeds.

It is inevitable for children to make mistakes, so parents should draw a clear line between right and wrong for their children and what behaviors they can do within the allowed standards. However, once children cross the line, they will be criticized accordingly. In this case, the child's guilt will be internalized into regulating his own actions.

In short, parents should let their children experience any emotions, including guilt, and guide them to treat and deal with these emotions correctly, instead of tying their children with any emotions to achieve educational purposes.