Looking back at the map and compass mentioned in the last lesson, with the help of these two tools, we began to see the educational goals or destinations. But knowing the destination is not enough, just as we have to ask our friends, I am going to the city gymnasium now, how can I get there? The first thing a friend should ask you is, where are you now?
Yes, if you don't know the starting point, you don't know how to plan the route, but the theme of this lesson: seeing the real child is the starting point for seeing the child.
When it comes to real children, it may be somewhat abstract. Next, we will use several common cases to tell them. "My child is too timid. How can I guide him? " "My children don't take the initiative to do their homework. How can I guide them? " During the training camp, I saw this type of problem the most.
Faced with such a situation, parents often use two methods. One is "critical negation"-"Isn't it just communicating with people? What is there to be afraid of? " "When can I take the initiative to do my homework? Don't make me so worried? " ; One is "appreciation drive"-"You are the best, you can do it!" The former method is easy to cause conflicts and struggles between parents and children. The latter method is often used, but it can't stimulate children's initiative or even arouse their vigilance. "What's your intention?"
The common deficiency of these two methods is that they ignore the real state of children at present, demand children with ideal standards, and fail to give them the most lasting strength support. How can we create a high-quality communication atmosphere and guide children to be proactive?
We held a "genius headhunting" game among the students at home. As a headhunter, my father's affirmation of my 9-year-old daughter as a client was sincere and concrete, which inspired the parents present. In the "genius headhunting" game, the inner circle students, as discussion groups, need to determine the implementation plan within the specified time; As headhunters, parents in the outer circle observe customers and recommend them after discussion. Nine-year-old Feifei sat curiously in the inner circle with her parents, excited and nervous. Being shy, she watched the discussion intently and seldom spoke.
The headhunter who recommended Feifei happened to be her father. A 9-year-old child, regardless of age or thinking, is in a weak position in the adult group; Another group discussion. You need to express your ideas and even win the approval of other members. Looking at Feifei's quiet performance, I can't help worrying about my father-what will he recommend his daughter in the future? What did the headhunter dad find?
When it was his father's turn to recommend customers, he stood in front of everyone with his shy daughter and began to recommend customers confidently. "The customer I recommended to you today is our 9-year-old Feifei friend. Although she is young, in the whole process, I found that she plays three important roles in the whole team.
First of all, as the smallest member of the team, she always smiles, which plays an important role in the cohesion of the team atmosphere; Secondly, in the whole process, Feifei seldom expressed her feelings, but she listened attentively to other members and was the first to applaud, which played a very important role in improving the self-confidence of the team. Thirdly, Feifei is a little shy, but during the discussion, she can put forward her own ideas on the basis of others' views and put forward the plan of' one-day tour in Shenzhen Park'. Although it was not adopted in the end, she dared to express herself in front of so many adults. I think she is very brave. "
Dad's voice did not fall, and the parents present gave warm applause. In the process of dad's evaluation, Feifei smiled shyly, grabbed dad's skirts, and dared not look up at everyone. Her face was full of excitement, joy and happiness. After her father's evaluation, Yinghai invited her to share her feelings after hearing her father's evaluation. She said shyly, "I don't know how to say it." Teacher Yinghai asked, "Do you feel happy then?" She nodded violently. Needless to say, dad's affirmation and appreciation have entered the child's heart.
Did you find that dad can completely see the real child and see the advantages and highlights of the real child? What is the opposite of a real child? Is the ideal child, or sometimes other people's children. It is easy for us to see where the children have not done enough. If you want to get into the top ten in your class, you should pay more attention to study, have goals, be more self-disciplined, and … countless things should be an ideal child. And where is the child's current situation? Where are the real children? Did we see it?
The theme of our training camp is called anxiety mom deformer. Before designing this theme, I interviewed many mothers. Most mothers are more or less anxious about their children's education, and there is a gap between their ideal children and the present situation, which is called the expectation gap. If the expected gap is larger, the anxiety will be more obvious.
When I communicate with these mothers alone, I will assign a small homework. "Try to write down 30 advantages of your child on this blank sheet of paper." Think about it. How many advantages can your child bring to your mind? When I assigned this homework and asked them to fill it out on the spot, most mothers who were particularly anxious about their children's growth could hardly write an advantage.
Finally, I managed to squeeze out a word "kindness", and then it was gone. I tried to get them to write down their children's shortcomings on the back of the paper. Guess what? Yes, I wrote a lot of shortcomings, as well as a page full of shortcomings and problems. This piece of paper, if the child sees it, will it be more powerful?
In this lesson, I want to share with you a method called 0- 100 acceptance method. Now our ideal child is 100, and the child's current situation may only be 40 points, or even fail. If we keep looking at the child with the standard of 100, and see how many points he needs, all we see are shortcomings. Wow, he still needs more than half of 100. From this perspective, anxiety and dissatisfaction with the current situation of children naturally arise. I can't see the 40 points that the child has already achieved. Acceptance is the first door for children to change. Let's look at what the child has achieved in 40 points from another angle. This foundation is the starting point of children and the present situation of children. See every progress of the child after the starting point, instead of always looking at the child's shortcomings with the standard of 100.
The process of letting everyone write about the advantages of children is also to let everyone see the current situation of children. There has always been a saying on the internet, accepting imperfect children. I prefer accepting real children to this sentence. When it comes to writing about the advantages of children, I especially want to share three true selves. These three mantras are the three advantages that I have always admired most. Sincerity, seriousness and truthfulness.
Be sincere, make friends sincerely and treat others sincerely. Open your heart to your friends, don't cheat for the benefit, and communicate with others without beating around the bush or innuendo. Seriously, take life seriously, take every day seriously, take work seriously, take every responsibility seriously, take feelings seriously, and manage carefully. There is a final truth. There are a few lines in a movie that can especially express the word truth. May you remember your own preciousness and resist malice when you are hit; I hope that when you are confused, you firmly believe in your own preciousness, love what you love, do what you should do, listen to your heart, and ask for nothing more.
Yes, this movie is called Mo Wen West East. I watched it four times, and every time I watched it, I got a lot of insights. For the last time, I understood one thing. The whole movie is divided into several stories of different times, and each story is passed down. This is the real power.
I remember a scene starring Huang Xiaoming. He growled at another boy, don't think she is real. Did you give her real strength?
What is real power? As I said in the line I just read, that kind of power is that children can see and believe in their own preciousness.
Children can realize that I am a respectable individual. I am a person who knows how to love and be loved. I admire myself. Although he is not perfect, sometimes he has many shortcomings. But I just appreciate myself. I can follow my heart to make choices. I can grow through constant experience. I can express myself more truly. I can be myself more truly.
Children like to lie, in fact, more reaction is that he has no power to express his true self. He lied that he didn't play computer because he was worried that playing computer truthfully would feel the consequences he didn't want to bear. He was scolded, beaten, and even felt that his mother didn't love him, so he chose a seemingly inexpensive way to escape.
Sometimes, children like to steal money and buy toys they want. Why can't he express his needs? Why can't he tell mom and dad that I want that toy? What's he worried about? What is he running from? Is he unwilling to express himself truly just because he is worried that his parents will not allow him?
Sometimes, a child wants more classmates to like him, so he has a good temper when he is bullied. He is afraid that losing his temper will destroy the relationship between his classmates. When encountering setbacks, he was afraid of tears and being laughed at by slugs. Is it true that such a child? Does such a child have the strength?
When a child has no real strength, he knows that his parents just want to see him win the class first or some prizes. But his current situation just can't be done, so two different life choices came to the children in advance. One is to disguise, change the score on the test paper, lie to parents that there is no parent-teacher conference this semester, exaggerate their hard work at school, and pretend that their parents have been studying at home. Because he wants to show what his parents want to see. The other is escape and numbness. I didn't do well in the exam, so I didn't dare to tell my parents that they hid under the covers and pretended to sleep early before coming back from the parent-teacher conference. The setbacks they encountered at school were buried in their hearts and digested by themselves.
Whether pretending or avoiding numbness, it is not true and has no power to support life. Truth has power. How can parents give their children real power? Family is the strongest backing of children, parents are the source of children's greatest strength, and truth is the bridge of this strength. Only by building this real bridge can we give children the strength to grow up and face and bear their own life.
When you see a real child, let him know that mom and dad accept their own advantages and disadvantages, let him know that he can take some responsibilities, and let him firmly believe that mom and dad love him no matter what. Similarly, do you have real power for parents who want to give their children this power?
Use another piece of paper to write down your advantages in the process of educating children on the front, and write down your disadvantages in the process on the back. At training camp, I saw it. You are constantly learning and growing. Although you still face various challenges, you love your children very much and hope to better support their growth. See your starting point, accept yourself with 0- 100, and see your little progress every day, not how much worse than your parents in that standard.
In this lesson, we realized the power of reality, and also learned to treat real children with the acceptance of 0- 100. Then this is a starting point. How to give children this valuable power in practice still needs our constant study and practice.
This class is coming to an end. Last class we talked about the end point and direction, and this class we talked about the starting point and the power to move forward. I hope every child has this power. Finally, I ended with a line in this movie: what the world lacks is not perfect people, but sincerity, justice, fearlessness and sympathy from the heart. I hope that some words such as justice, fearlessness, empathy, sincerity, seriousness and truthfulness will appear on the page of children's advantages.
1. How can we see real children and give them the strength to grow? Look at children's progress from the perspective of growth.