( 1)
Ma Heng: Didn't I tell you the news that Yide committed suicide recently? I wonder if you have read the relevant articles? I saw an article last night, which should be said to be comprehensive. The author said that in order to write this article, he studied a lot of information about Yide's father and showed me more information. Really, as my father said, many parents can't reach the unconditional trust and acceptance of their children, the understanding and respect for the role change, and the unreserved sincerity and dedication.
This article says: When I was 3 years old, I had mastered most of the knowledge of primary schools. I think this is too exaggerated! Hengheng is so big that Hengheng can't recognize many words, let alone math problems.
Over the years, he has worn out five cameras and taken more than 200,000 photos for Yide. He cooks for his son every day and even makes idiom stories into vivid meals. He used carrots, ginger, garlic and other vegetables to carve letters, a total of 250 thousand letters, so that his son can gain vivid and three-dimensional cognition in the intuitive feeling of the image. He personally made 200 handmade pets for his son.
These intentions are really unparalleled. This is a father's long and simple love for his children.
The child was excellent, but he ended his life in this way. I think it takes a lot of courage. What did the child experience in it?
Many comments on the Internet said: His father's parenting concept is so good, but the child finally said that he committed suicide, so many people will definitely say: accept and respect the child. This concept of parenting is not good! Look at this practice, the child will eventually get this result. It's better that I don't learn anything about parenting, but I have many successes in my original methods. Is it wrong to love, support and respect my children unconditionally? This "positive parenting style"?
Dad Xi: I think we need to analyze specific problems, not draw a general conclusion: this way won't work!
Because there are many factors that affect a child's growth, it is not objective to judge him only by a few factors we see.
As can be seen from the article, first of all, when the child 1 year old, the child's mother is not around. Later, at the age of 18, my father re-established a family and my wife took an autistic child.
I make a hypothesis and inference from these two points.
First of all, when a child is one or two years old, what he needs more often is a sense of belonging from his mother, or this parent-child relationship. But at this time, my mother left. Children's feelings are very sensitive.
Ma Heng: At this time, the child is only 1 year old. How does he feel?
Dad Xi: As long as he is a person, he will feel it from birth, even before he is born. This feeling may not be expressed in our language. But this feeling will directly affect his sense of security.
Observing children of one or two years old, we can find that if the mother is not around, or turns away, or can't see, or acts very angry, the child's sense of security will be destroyed and he will cry, right? If you find this, this is his sense of security, not to mention the child's mother will walk away directly.
The whole world is preaching maternal love and expressing how warm it is. Children must be desperate for maternal love.
But for this child, where does the child's sense of security come from? Only from dad.
So he is very close to his father. When he was young, he would do and believe anything his father asked him to do, right? This is something we can experience personally.
How did dad find his sense of value?
He shares the results of his child's upbringing with other mothers in the group or his circle. For example, it is said on the Internet that the threshold of paternity is almost broken. He recognized 150 goddaughters.
This is bound to bring a kind of pressure to children.
What kind of pressure? I just want to be recognized by the outside world, bring my children here and let them prove their parenting style.
But actually, think about it from the perspective of children. Is this what children want?
At first, he will find a sense of accomplishment, and he will think of his father: "Wow, that's amazing! You see others say that we are very good! " But in fact, once a child has self-awareness and judgment and finds that he is not as good as the outside world says, he will have self-doubt, but at the same time, his relationship with his father has forced him to follow in his father's footsteps and do what his father wants him to do instead of being himself, and he will be shelved by a strong expectation.
But he can only go on this road, because he is afraid of letting his father's last hope fail, because he loves him. If his father's hopes fail, he can feel how his father will feel at that time, so he can't bear it, so he must force himself to meet his father's needs.
He took the road given by his father, so he didn't have the chance to be himself.
One more thing, when he was a child, his father cooked three meals a day without repeating one thing and doing so much manual work. What is the result of this? The result of this is that the child is not given an opportunity to develop his corresponding abilities at an appropriate age.
Ma Heng: Did he do it with the children?
Xi Dad: No, judging from this official WeChat account, my father made it for him. There is also that his living environment may be relatively simple. One may of course be due to a single-parent family, and the other is that he has learned so many primary school things since he was three years old, which shows that his life is more about learning than playing.
A person's living ability, as well as his ability to communicate, interact and balance with the external environment, his sensory organs cannot develop.
All mankind attaches great importance to intellectual development, but often ignores personality and children's basic ability to survive and live, which leads to the fact that once children leave their father and this family, they can't find that kind of self-confidence to deal with such challenges outside.
Therefore, when a child leaves China after finishing junior high school or even studying abroad, the environment is actually more complicated than in China. In addition to dealing with his own living ability and personal problems, he also has to deal with the impact of a culture from outside.
Dad gave him a good living environment and a good parent-child relationship, but he didn't give him the opportunity to form his own ability to exercise. Dad has arranged too much for him.
When he grew up, he seemed to have grown up, but before the corresponding ability was formed, he was ruthlessly squeezed out and then turned his attention to his younger brother, the reorganized family. This makes children feel insecure. In the family, he may feel that he has no position. The only father didn't want him. Think about how heavy this blow is for him. Growing up, I never received the experience brought by the opposite sex. No matter why mom left, dad communicated with my children more, and the other half gave him a meaning or took him to make up for the experience.
Then he didn't know how to get along with women after he went out. If he comes into contact with boys, boys may not like him either.
Ma Heng: Why? He's too good?
Xi Dad: Yes, he may be too good. Of course, this is just our guess.
He can't accept his feelings either. He only knows what his father expects of him and constantly improves his ability and academic performance. He can't know the significance of doing so. If he is a normal child, a child with normal social development ability, he may find its meaning from this advantage of himself. For example, he can help other friends and find his sense of value through his own advantages. There is also the acceptance of others, forming a sense of belonging, so this leads to a child's sadness.
If the father still imposes such strong expectations on the child, he may not even realize it, but the relationship between the child and him, as well as the trajectory he chooses, shows the excellent things of the child to outsiders indefinitely and enlarges them to others, without showing the bad things he has done.
But this is also where he did not do well. He didn't help children form such an ability, that is, comprehensive self-evaluation.
The child's heart is empty and he can't find a sense of value. If he can't evaluate it, he can only let outsiders evaluate it. Outsiders will affect his thoughts and emotions. Maybe if an outsider says a word, he will immediately get emotional, immediately lose control of his behavior and make some impulsive behaviors. So it is such a logic that people's growth must be regular.
(2)
Ma Heng: Then I have another question, that is, you just said that sharing children's growth experiences is only to meet the needs of parents, not what children want? Do you think we have this? Talking about the concept of parenting must be talking about your own parenting experience and experience. I think this is a kind of sharing. Will it be like what you said: this is not what children want, but what we want?
Dad Xi: Of course, educators need to share their experiences. Many parenting masters in the world, such as Cohen's games, often talk about their game interaction with their daughters. Jane Nelson, who is active in discipline, also shared her daily communication with her children, just because they have led many parents and they have many cases of parents, so when writing this book, there are naturally not so many cases about children.
If you don't use your own parenting style, who will believe it?
Only in the way of parenting, the educational concept of "having a father" does not really respect education in my opinion, but dotes on education.
Dad also said: I respect him, even more than myself. Dad has no ego at all. And when my son 12 years old, he wrote to his father and said, "Dad, you should learn to say no to me."
Dad replied: "Son, it is estimated that Dad will never learn this in his life."
This is a way of parenting without a sense of boundaries.
Ma Heng: Yes, this is the demand of children's growth, including many online sayings: First, not getting dad's love is suffocating love. Is that there is no self, and all my heart is children. Parents need to learn to let go.
Dad: Yes, we need to respect the needs of children's growth and the needs of parents.
Ma Heng: It is very difficult to balance the needs of parents and children, especially in the parenting relationship, parents will involuntarily pay a lot for their children and forget their own needs. I think 1 year-old and1month-old should sleep in separate rooms, which means respecting their own needs. I told my mother about it that day, and my mother said that I was not responsible. She said that the child was so young, what should I do if I caught a cold after kicking the quilt? I said: I'll cover him with the right quilt and wear the right clothes, not too hot, and generally don't kick. I will shout when I kick him, and I will cover him. But I don't want him to sleep next to me all night and make me fidget. My mother said, yes. I can't sleep well when the children sleep beside me.
Xi Dad: Yes! Let children know that parents have their own needs, including life needs and psychological needs.
(3)
Ma Heng: As we said in the course, it is indispensable to establish a "close and bordered parent-child relationship". Once the father is established, it may be that the intimate relationship is enough, but the border may not be enough. What we tell our parents is that we need to say no to our children when necessary to meet our own needs.
Dad Xi: We can say "no" to our children. This is to establish rules and boundaries, and we can also express ourselves.
Ma Heng: My main point is that when we think children are "bad" or "wrong", we need to discuss with them and make rules.
Xi Dad: Guide the children.
Ma Heng: Yes, guide the children, let's sit down together and discuss what we should do through family meetings, or discuss it and do it well.
Xi Dad: The growth of children is to learn by themselves after they have enough conditions and environment. Parents need to provide opportunities for their children. For example, when we received the mop that day, I said, "Dad is not available at the moment. See if you can assemble the screws. She will install them later. " .
Therefore, it is necessary to provide opportunities for children, encourage her to do what she can do at this age, and bring her a slightly higher challenge than her ability.
Therefore, we respect the child's choice and put ourselves in the child's shoes, but only he does not respect the child's growth law and his independent personality.
When children have their own ideas, that is, when children develop psychologically and cognitively. For example, when a child is 2 years old, you can see him grasping chopsticks. If we were parents when we were 2 years old, the disrespectful behavior of grasping chopsticks is to stop her.
At this time, if you hold his hand and don't let him do it, it actually inhibits his growth needs. He wanted to exercise his slender fingers and skillfully coordinate his brain and control ability by grasping chopsticks like this, but after you stopped him, he couldn't find the confidence to learn. Why not? Because maybe he is 4 years old and can't use chopsticks skillfully.
What is the reason? When he was young, his parents influenced him, but they didn't realize it. This is respect for children. If you regard him as an independent personality, you will certainly give him the opportunity to explore himself and let him develop at his own pace.
For example, the age of 3 is the age of playing, not the age of learning primary school knowledge.
Dad Xi: This doesn't mean that children are bound to make mistakes. Children stand on their own perspective and cognitive level, because children's cognition certainly can't reach us. But under his current cognition and feelings, his behavior must conform to his psychology and ability. If we realize this, then the first thing we should do is to improve his cognition and tell him why he can't do this. The second thing we do is to take him to feel what might happen if he does this. In this case, he will form his own judgment instead of helping him make a decision, yes, if we are direct.
(4)
Ma Heng: So, to sum up, there are three points. First, it's not that the "affirmative" parenting style is wrong, but that not everyone can use it flexibly on the basis of respecting children's growth laws. True respect education is to respect children's independent personality and the law of physical and mental growth, and at the same time give children the opportunity to exercise themselves, whether it is life ability or problem-solving ability, rather than helping children become what their parents want.
Second, help children form a comprehensive understanding and let them know that everyone can't be a perfect person, and so can parents. For example, we do well in this respect, but on the other hand, we may not do well enough. This is a person's limitation;
Third, parents also need to give themselves time and space to meet their own needs.
Dad Xi: Yes, everything happens because of many factors. All kinds of comments on the Internet, including what we discussed today, are based on our own cognition and the information we have learned on the Internet.