I have to say, this is a movie that touches my soul. Individuals have been engaged in personal education consulting for a long time. Deeply understand the essence behind parent-child problems and help many parents solve these problems. But after watching this movie, I am still very moved. I wonder how parents will feel after reading it?
This is a 90-minute documentary with only three episodes.
In just one and a half hours, CCTV Social and Legal Channel spent 10 years planning and two years shooting.
Content introduction:
Three families were in trouble because their children dropped out of school. Parents had no choice but to send their children to a special school to "reform", only to let problem of juvenile speak his mind: "I am just a mirror of you, reflecting your appearance! ! "
Behind every "problem" child, there is a "problem" family.
Jiaming, 15 years old
Is an internet addiction teenager, unwilling to go to school, black and white upside down.
Jiaming's father has high expectations for his children.
But the children are obsessed with "freedom".
Zhao Zhang, 17 years old.
I have been out of school for four months because of falling in love.
Do not let parents live at home,
After being stopped, he cursed his parents.
Zeqing, 14 years old.
Zeqing is the youngest of the three children.
But it's the coolest,
You look like a teenager,
He is addicted to playing chess online.
In the face of his mother's concern, he called her "cheap" and even started work.
Seemingly three typical "problem of juvenile", this kind of problem will be criticized and spurned by the society, but behind "problem of juvenile", there are several pairs of "problem parents".
Three pairs of families, different wealth, different social status and different educational background all have different deficiencies in the educational model.
First, parents' desire for control
The film begins with a student's monologue, which reads as follows:
"I am a robot, as long as I input the program, I will do it. Once, no matter what my master told me, I would do it, rain or shine. In their eyes, I am a good robot. Seventeen years have passed in an instant. Unfortunately, one day I was infected with the virus and I began to lose control. No matter what repair procedure the owner enters, the owner is at a loss. They deleted all my programs, good or bad. "
Robots have no thoughts, no matter how they are dominated, they will not have any feelings, will not think about becoming an independent person, will not consider what kind of life they like, have no personality, or even have no thoughts, but the child is indeed a living person.
Children in modern society are concerned by too many parents and bear too many parents' expectations.
In modern society, children from too many families have become tools for parents to meet their own needs and sense of value. In the relationship between husband and wife, both husband and wife should be the emotional sustenance of each other, but with the passage of time, the emotional communication between husband and wife gradually decreases, but each other still needs emotional sustenance. From that moment on, children have become a new channel for couples' emotional sustenance. Then, more and more people pay attention to children, hoping to get the satisfaction they need from them, control everything about them, and prevent them from escaping and losing their emotional sustenance. In this case, there are two results. First, the parents won, and the child successfully became a mother's treasure. Since then, he has lost his sovereignty and lived a symbiotic life with his parents. Second, children stand up and insist on being themselves, and such children become "problem children" in the eyes of parents.
Children are not only the sustenance of parents' emotions, but also the bearers of parents' dreams. Because they are dissatisfied with our own life, we can control the child's life trajectory, arrange every step for him, let him take the best road he thinks and become the person he wants him to be. When someone raises an objection, we will use the so-called life experience to refute it, telling the children to take the road of their own design, and one day you will thank me and understand my contribution. So you continue to arrange your life step by step for your children, realize your ideals and never stop. Just like a donkey grinding, when the donkey stops grinding, it is no longer valuable. So you don't allow the child to escape, because once the child escapes from your control, you are like a donkey who has lost the millstone and only has the fate of being slaughtered.
Why not try to put your feelings back on your partner, why not try to realize your self-worth within your own scope, let your child escape from the cage and take a good breath.
Don't control in the name of love, and don't objectify children and turn them into your personal belongings.
Second, I can't get rid of anxiety.
The phrase "Don't let children lose at the starting line" has harmed many families in China. It seems that this sentence stipulates that life is a 100-meter race, and we must try our best to run along the only straight line. Children are not allowed to slow down anywhere, because slowing down will lose the race of life. But shouldn't life be more like a rally? The route from the starting point to the finishing point is freely chosen by each driver. Maybe the road we choose is bumpy, and we will have a flat tire and get stuck in the bunker, but we won't know which road is the best until we reach the finish line.
When we were trapped in the bunker, we just struggled to dig sand, but we didn't observe the terrain and geology well. The process of digging hard may make the car sink deeper and deeper, thus completely losing its ability to move forward. So, why can't we calm down and wait, have a look, find the most suitable method, and then overcome it together. Sometimes stopping is the fastest choice.
Therefore, learn to let go of our anxiety and try to accompany our children to complete their chosen path. When the car is forced to stop, we will calm down and solve it with him. You may be the fastest person to reach the finish line.
Third, parents' evaluation is low.
In the film, Zhang Zhao and Jia Ming are trapped by their parents' low evaluation. Zhao Zhang's parents think their children are weak and timid. They think they are afraid to do many things. In an interview with Zhao Zhang, he himself said that before the end of his second year of high school, he almost did all the things that his parents thought impossible, and he touched all three things: taking a mobile phone, falling in love and fighting. In an interview with Jia Ming, he cried that his parents just regarded him as a naive child and disagreed with any decision he made, so he deliberately hurt himself to tell his parents that he was strong.
These two children are pursuing their own sense of value, but they have never been affirmed by their parents. Under the low evaluation of their parents, they took drastic measures to prove themselves, and all their actions were just to gain their parents' approval.
One of the reasons for the low evaluation of parents is that the above-mentioned desire for control causes trouble and gives low evaluation to children, thus making children think that they are too weak and must rely on their parents to survive, thus achieving the purpose of control; The other is the lag of parents' understanding of their children. They don't mean that children have experienced the rapid development of adolescent lag psychology, but they still treat children as children and measure them by past standards. Either way, it will have bad consequences, so can you try to affirm your child and make him feel valuable in the eyes of his parents?
Fourth, lack of emotion.
The songs in the third episode seem to speak for the children.
"Sometimes I just want to talk to someone, and I don't feel lonely when I cry. Oh, my friend! I always know how you feel. Don't always hide your pain in your deepest heart. Hold my hand, and we will never be helpless again. We will walk through the ups and downs on the road together. "
Children are depressed at school, go home and talk, you tell them why others are not depressed, only you are depressed; When children tell you their dreams with great interest, you tell them to stop dreaming and go back to study. Parents love their children, and I firmly believe that parents must love their children, but while expressing their love in their own way, parents ignore their children's most basic and emotional needs. When children are helpless and hopeless, they also need a big tree to lean on and a person to talk to; When children are happy, they also need one more person to share happiness.
When a child does not establish this emotional model in the family and has no stable emotional output, it will affect his life, because he does not know how to express his feelings to others, and it is difficult to establish a stable emotional relationship with others. The ultimate trend of excessive emotional repression is depression.
At the end of the film, the subsequent status of each key figure is shown. In fact, it also proves that it is not so easy for everyone to change, and it is even more difficult to maintain the changed state.
If you haven't encountered such problems, please prevent these things from happening. If you have encountered such a problem, I hope you can change and grow patiently.
In life, parents, couples and children don't need professional assessment certificates to prove their identity, but they inadvertently arrange for us to have these roles, without studying or taking exams, and the term is lifelong. Please remember that love and freedom are the prerequisites of all education! ! !
I also dedicate this article to my parents. I know how hard it is for you to let go when I choose to rebel!
Thank you for making me a better myself!