At the moment when the door of the consulting room was about to close, a petite and thin figure stopped and then turned to look at me under the door. Her face seemed to be full of apologies, and she said a few words with her lips. Her voice is so low that she doesn't even make a sound at all. I can't hear you, but I know what that sentence is. I nodded to her and watched her leave with a smile. Time goes back to the night before. At nine o'clock in the evening, just after taking a shower, I turned on my computer to write a manuscript, and suddenly a message came from the line in my mobile phone.
In order to draw a Line between work and life, I usually don't watch LINE after work. On the one hand, I avoid dealing with work during my break, on the other hand, I use the computer all day, and I want to have a rest after work. Speaking of which, I can't help but pick up my mobile phone to check the urgent news. Seeing this scene, a heart stuck in the sky like a roller coaster that suddenly broke down. This is the information from the consulting room group. The director said that after school that day, my student Ake was out of control for unknown reasons, lying on the balcony guardrail outside the classroom on the fourth floor, shouting to jump off the building. The students present were frightened. Some people tried to appease him, some people hurriedly informed the teacher, and some people helped to maintain order at the scene, reminding everyone not to make noise. At that time, just after school, his behavior attracted the attention of other classes. The door of the classroom is surrounded by curious students. The students in the class are very nervous, for fear that one will regret it carelessly. "Let him go to the consulting room to talk about tomorrow morning, and his parents will come soon. You can discuss his situation with your tutor and your parents. " Looking at the news from the director, my head, which had already entered a dormant state, began to turn again. The next morning, his parents arrived at school as promised, and we went into the consulting room together and talked about Ake's situation. During the conversation, Ake's mother almost kept her head down and listened silently. She said it several times, just because her husband put the phone aside and had a chance to talk. No matter whether the words are finished or not, as soon as her husband returns to his seat, she will shut up immediately, just like an automatic switch. Only once, in the middle of her husband's speech, she suddenly spoke as if she remembered something, but after a few words, her husband shouted at her, "What do you know?" She fell silent again. "Hello, Dad. In the conversation with Ake, I found that he was really depressed these days ... ""Depressed? Did he miss anything at home? I told him to eat well, dress well, use the best mobile phone, and don't worry about tuition. What is there to be depressed about? Before I could say a few words, my father responded loudly: "It must be so cool to think about one thing." "So he will tell you at home-"I want to know their family atmosphere and parent-child interaction. " You don't have to tell me! Are you going to say that I didn't talk to the children? Don't worry, I let him sit next to me every night and tell him not to treat me as a father and say whatever he wants. "My father's tone is full of confidence." Oh? What did he tell you? "I saw my wife listening to my husband's words, and her eyebrows were obviously wrinkled, so I asked curiously. "He didn't speak." "ah? What? " "Yes, it's hard to understand? He didn't speak, which means there is nothing wrong with his life. He will say if there is a problem. " Father seems to have lost patience and thinks I'm asking irrelevant questions. The same is true for the next half hour, when my father speaks, there is no room for others to interrupt. Even if he asks questions, I will be rejected by him or interrupted by a few words. Several times I tried to ask him about the interaction between Ake and his family, but he repeatedly stressed that everything was normal at home, and said that he was very familiar with the father of the child, so the child would not have any emotional problems.
Further reading: I gave "lost love" by mistake, and I want the other person to thank myself?
Even though I have only met them once, I have more or less observed the communication mode and family rules of the Axes family (note: the main purpose of family rules is to maintain order and balance in the family system. Every family has its own rules, which may be clear and specific, such as children taking turns washing dishes before going home or after meals; It may also be a hidden unspoken rule. For example, when the food is served, the younger generation can't pick up the food before the elders, or the children can't tell the truth that goes against their parents' expectations. The family reports good news instead of bad news, and the son gets more resources and care than the daughter. ) 。 Although my father keeps saying how democratic he is, I seem to feel the anguish and injustice of my children and wife. Because the father's voice is like a sacred imperial edict, once he speaks, others have to keep silent, so as not to cause a "fatal disaster." In addition, the voice of this family must be consistent with the values of the father, otherwise it will be regarded as unnecessary noise.
In the family, the hidden hidden hidden rule "home" is the first learning field for a person to come to this world, and parents are of course the first and most important learning role models in their children's lives; Parents' interaction, expectations and values form the rules of this family. If it is a big family where more people live together, the rules may become more and more complicated.
Some rules may be clear and specific, but more often, they flow among family members in a nonverbal way. These rules are not expressly stipulated and cannot be questioned or challenged. For example, a pair of parents who avoid emotions may suddenly switch to other channels when a TV program is performing a touching scene; Tell the child when he is sad and crying: "crying can't solve the problem"; When they are depressed, tell their children that they are fine, or vent their emotions in an angry way; When the child happily announces that he has done well in the exam, answer the child: "Don't be too happy, it will be extremely sad. Although they have never told their children directly that they can't express their emotions, their every move is educating them: "In this family, you are not allowed to express your emotions. Children learn this rule invisibly, and when they grow up, they will unconsciously put it in their own families and continue to raise another group of children who can't express their emotions. Give yourself a voice. The interaction between Ake's parents also reminds me of one thing. In the process of consulting Aker, I found that he has the characteristics of "considerable cooperation"-no matter what I say or ask, he will continue to respond to this topic and never jump the topic at all; Even the tutor called him for advice, but he came without objection. Perhaps for teachers, children are obedient and cooperative, but I think there seems to be something missing for a teenager.
In fact, Aker's mode of trying to catch the ball when others serve is also reflected in interpersonal relationships-whether he likes it or not, he will try his best to finish it as long as others speak. So, I began to try to return the service right of the topic to him. At the beginning of each consultation, I asked him, "What do you want to talk about today?" "What do you want to do today? Give him a chance to speak for what he wants, instead of letting him cooperate with me.
As a result, this model really made him unaccustomed: "Teacher, you can talk about anything, just decide." I don't know ... "I took him to experience his mode of' getting used to cooperating with others and making decisions by himself', and he suddenly realized:" I really seem to be like this. And asked a little worried: "teacher, am I wrong?" Is this bad? In fact, the answer to this question should not be limited to the absolute choice of "right/wrong" and "bad/not bad". Because in most interpersonal relationships, this model can really win him the positive affirmation of "good boy" and "good friend", but such a completely accepted personality will also make him habitually suppress himself and deny his own needs, and then he will become more and more depressed and even feel worthless. And this kind of melancholy and inferiority is the core problem that Aker emphasized in his consultation.
At first, I wondered where Ake learned this model, but after talking to his parents, I also had a bottom in my heart. As soon as the bell rang, Ake's father stood up and said meaningfully, "If this is called psychological consultation, then I must be a good psychiatrist." Say that finish laugh twice and left. Hearing this, my mother stood in the same place, seemingly embarrassed, and dared not say anything except nodding her head frequently to cause an accident. After seeing them off, she turned her head again, looked at me apologetically and bowed slightly. I also nodded and said goodbye to her. I think Ake's mother should know exactly where Ake's depression comes from, because she must have suffered a lot.