Yesterday, because I wasted the good time during the day, I strongly added a "self-study at night" to myself.

In order to leave more time for self-study in the evening, I had dinner at 4: 30 in the afternoon.

But the truth is: after dinner, I was immersed in the pleasure of short videos and little red books.

The idea of "not studying tonight" flooded in and violently impacted my fragile psychological defense.

In the end, reason prevailed-I dragged my unruly feet to the study room.

It's already 6: 30 in the evening when self-study is officially started. I start studying tonight.

Everything seemed so calm until the bell rang before seven o'clock.

Quite a few cheerful bells came into my ears, and I suddenly trembled. My swinging pen suddenly stopped and the paper stopped rustling.

Yes, a strong sense of fear swept over me and wrapped me tightly.

What scares me is that college life, which should get rid of the shackles of grades, makes me look like a senior in high school. However, I can't admit that this is the life I want.

I don't seem to know what I really want.

I haven't heard that bell since last September, but recently it has deeply penetrated into my bones-yes, it is the preparation bell before self-study in senior three.

For many nights, I actually hated it-it gave me blood and forced me to cheer up. It even deprived me of the opportunity to stop and catch my breath. It was like an invisible whip that beat me black and blue.

After being with it for countless nights, I finally got rid of it.

Unexpectedly, it didn't leave me alone.

More specifically, I subconsciously don't want to let go.

If I honestly stay in a comfortable home, how can I have a place in an environment full of short videos?

So, I just deserve it.

Its reappearance caused me to think deeply: what is the significance of my efforts?

Even if I get a high GPA, a high comprehensive, a national prize, an excellent pacesetter and an excellent graduate (although their realization possibility is almost zero), what's the point?

I can't make my future prosperous, I can't live a rich life, and I don't even feel happy at all. So, what is the point of all this?

I want to win too much, not only because of my eager attitude to success, but also to win everyone's good opinion.

Since childhood, I have been a "good girl" by word of mouth. "Study hard", "Good grades", "Peace of mind" and "No puppy love" have been attached to me for more than ten years. At the moment, I can't tell whether they are binding me or this is what I look like.

Only children who care about it have nothing to hide.

It's a pity that I am not such a child.

I am timid. For more than ten years, I have never used the word "out of line" to describe me.

I always follow the rules and never make any waves. I think it is ok to describe it as "plain", but it is not accurate.

After all, as a student, it is biased to use "mediocrity" to summarize excellent grades.

I dare not break in, dare not debauchery, because I am afraid of losing what I have.

I live a life recognized by adults according to their instructions, in order to win their preference.

As a child, in fact, I have some scheming. ? This may sound sad.

Elders like obedient children, polite children, and children who study well. ...

So, I did it one by one, and then quietly showed it to them.

Sad because of lack of love.

I'm afraid that if I love mischief, don't study hard and fall in love early, then these loves will slip away quietly and never return.

Be swayed by considerations of gain and loss is probably the state I have been in for more than ten years.

Father is a serious and strict person.

His reputation lies in his never being clear about his requirements.

But one look in his eyes is enough to show his emotions, either admiration or disappointment.

I have been living this life since 12 years old-I want to win his approval.

When others are stuck in front of their computers and mobile phones, I will close the door and concentrate on my studies. When others are traveling, I will brush the questions at home. ...

Self-discipline is actually not happy, but a painful process.

I still have to respond to the statement "What did you do at the weekend" day after day, or I have to ignore others' "Look how hard she works" ...

When don't you want to destroy it?

I also want to choose the latter between brushing questions and reading books.

I also want to choose between TED talk and drama.

I also want to choose between writing a thesis and writing a thesis. ...

Unfortunately, it backfired. It is often the former that makes me better that I will really practice.

I always struggle between rotten and trying, and become extremely painful. I like my excellent and impeccable self, and I am eager for my self with many shortcomings. I will be in a hurry and feel at a loss when I encounter something. Because the latter is the real me!