Gagabo Matei

Translated by editor Cui.

10 attachment makes the relationship return to its original position.

As a parent, you should see:

Once children have no sense of order, they will not think that their parents are more important than others, and there will be no fear of their parents.

Parents-led children will open the attachment mode to their parents and voluntarily accept each other's care and guidance.

When we lose the support of children's attachment, we can only treat children with parents' promises and responsibilities.

A sense of responsibility and a sense of accomplishment can also make parents endure for a long time, but if they only rely on these two points, education will become pure manual labor. Without attachment, many parents may not be able to stand their children's excrement, wake up in a deep sleep again and again, endure torturing cries, and fail to complete all kinds of child-rearing chores that make people scratch their heads. Presumably, they can't stand all kinds of annoying or even annoying behaviors of their children in the future.

In the process of education, attachment will play an invisible role. Some people have not learned any parenting skills, but rely on instinct to establish a good attachment relationship with their children and become successful and competent parents. When parents become children's attachment objects, attachment relationship will strongly support parents' parenting authority from seven aspects. Accordingly, when parents are not the attachment objects of children, these seven aspects will in turn weaken parents' parenting authority. In parent-child rearing, we must see attachment first, so as to win the success of parenting.

Parents are parents and children are children.

Children don't want to listen to you, but they are willing to listen to their peers all night!

Children don't want to tell you anything, but they are willing to tell their classmates!

Children think that parents are not important, but peers are more important?

Many people think that this is a necessary process for children to grow up, but the attachment object in The Core has changed, and peer relationship has threatened the status of parent-child relationship.

The first function of attachment is to classify adults and children.

When establishing a relationship between people, the attachment brain will automatically rank according to the strength of the other person's leading role.

The brain is naturally assigned the roles of various relationships:

Domination and dependence,

Caregivers and caregivers,

The giver and the receiver.

Even the attachment relationship between adults is the same.

For example, in marriage, couples will automatically change the roles of caregivers and caregivers according to the actual situation and their respective wishes. In the relationship between adults and children, children should play the role of dependents and caregivers.

Parents-led children will open the attachment mode to their parents and voluntarily accept each other's care and guidance. Children will instinctively let their parents take care of themselves, consciously rely on their parents, ask their parents for help, and listen to their guidance. This is the most essential feature of attachment:

When one party has attachment consciousness, it will automatically obey the management of the other party. However, as parents, it is difficult for us to see this. We always think that children refuse to communicate with themselves and are willing to communicate with their peers because there is something wrong with the way of communication, but I didn't expect that there is something wrong with the relationship.

Peer-oriented children, even if they start the same procedure as above, the result is not optimistic. Attachment to the brain is supposed to serve the parent-child relationship, but it will fail under the influence of peer orientation. However, the motivation that should play a role in the parent-child relationship has established an unhealthy relationship of domination and obedience among immature companions.

Among children, if the children who play a leading role are enthusiastic and responsible, they can really give some education and care to their peers. However, if the children who play a leading role feel inferior, provocative and self-centered, they are likely to bully their peers. We can't put children's navigation marks on those children whose minds are not yet mature.

The main harm of peer orientation is to break the hierarchical relationship between parents and relatives. Once children have no sense of order, they will not think that their parents are more important than others, and there will be no fear of their parents. Parents can't get the respect of their children and lose their due educational authority. At this time, if parents show dominant will, children will think that they are artificial and hypocritical, and they will think that parents want to be above themselves. This is what we must see when facing the problem.

There are three children, seduced by their peers.

Run away from parents. Although Christine is only 7 years old, her parents have lost the dominant position in her attachment ranking. She disrespected her parents and was rude to them, especially when her companions were present.

So did Sean and Melanie. Melanie feels that her parents are completely equal to herself. Her parents are not qualified to tell her what to do. She doesn't want to be controlled by her parents. Melanie's attitude shocked and collapsed her parents. Instinctively, the father tried to put his daughter in the right position. Unfortunately, he can't do anything without the help of attachment. When the hard words are ineffective, parents should see that without the support of attachment, they can only make their children obey themselves through threats at most, and the price of doing so will further affect the parent-child relationship and the long-term development of their children in the future. It can be said that when children are no longer close to their father Dan, the crucial hierarchy in education collapses.

Alienation from parents is not the only reason why children alienate their parents. Other reasons will also make the attachment order in children's hearts chaotic and the hierarchical structure collapse.

? For example, when parents put forward various requirements for their children, and the children can't complete them, the attachment order may also be disordered.

Mattei and I are psychologists and doctors. In our medical experience, we have seen too many parents treat their children as the object of their own talk and nagging. They often complain about their children's various problems and make them become parents' emotional trash cans. These children, who have no chance to talk to their parents about their troubles, slowly learn to suppress their own needs and take the initiative to meet the needs of others.

This inversion of attachment level is also not conducive to the healthy growth of children. Psychiatrist john bowlby wrote a classic trilogy, focusing on the influence of parent-child relationship on personality development. In the attachment of the first book, he wrote: "If the roles of parents and children are exchanged for a long time, it can basically be concluded that parents are psychologically abnormal, and this abnormality will lead to mental illness of children." The reversal of roles will distort the relationship between children and the world and become the biggest source of various pressures for children in the future.

In short, parents-oriented children will be more willing to accept people who can manage him well and be responsible for him. For such children, they will feel that the guidance of their parents is normal. If the order in a child's mind is disturbed, then no matter how dependent he is on his parents, he will be unwilling to accept their discipline.

In the next section, we will learn about the driving forces that support parents' wishes.

Why are you willing to take care of children, especially babies?