According to Xiao Fang's mother, since June, 20021,the school has been closed due to the epidemic, and students are required to take online classes at home. Xiao Fang is very unstable. He was taken to the hospital for examination. The test results show that he has anxiety disorder. The doctor prescribed medicine for Xiao Fang, but the effect was not obvious.
Parents have great differences on Xiao Fang's educational methods. Mother's attitude towards Xiao Fang is mild, while father often denies children and sometimes even treats them with insulting language.
Finally, under the persuasion of her mother, Xiao Fang was willing to receive psychological counseling, but her attitude was not very positive.
Preliminary analysis, Xiao Fang may have anxiety and mania. In the process of Xiao Fang's growth, his father's frequent denial and attacks on him may cause serious psychological trauma. When his parents divorced, Xiao Fang lived with his father first, and then with his mother. Frequent changes in living environment and differences in parents' education methods may all cause Xiao Fang's lack of love, insecurity, cognitive conflict and loneliness. All these may be the underlying causes of Xiao Fang's anxiety and mania.
The first consultation: "Mom, you must apologize!" " "
Because Xiao Fang's attitude towards psychological counseling is not very positive, the psychological counselor suggested to Xiaofang's mother that Xiao Fang's mother could introduce the child's current situation and growth experience to the counselor in detail during the first consultation, and the counselor would give advice to the parents, so that the parents could make changes first, give the children more care, understanding and psychological support, and help the children to resolve negative emotions. Xiao Fang's mother agreed.
According to Xiao Fang's mother, it was in June of 20021that the child was really found to have psychological problems. At that time, Xiao Fang's school was closed due to the epidemic, requiring students to attend classes online at home. But Xiao Fang goes to bed very late every night, and can't get up on time the next morning, so she can't study online normally. To this end, his mother urges him to get up many times every day, and often urges him to hand in his homework to the teacher on time. Xiao Fang became angry from embarrassment and repeatedly asked his mother to apologize: "You must apologize!" "At the same time, I asked my mother," Do you know where you are wrong? "
So the mother repeatedly apologized until Xiao Fang's mood calmed down, which often took more than half an hour. This situation often happens, which seriously affects online classroom learning. After the final exam for returning to school in July, Xiao Fang's grades dropped by more than 100.
When the new semester starts in September, Xiao Fang is under great psychological pressure and can't concentrate on his studies at all. She often worries about trivial things such as broken pens, and worries that e-books will be scratched by her classmates. When I get home on weekends, I often get angry suddenly because of my mother's casual words and ask my mother to apologize again and again. Xiao Fang's mother said: "Every weekend when my children come home, I will be very nervous, and my nerves have been very nervous. I am afraid that something will offend my children."
Xiao Fang's mother said there were two main problems: 1. I don't understand the reminder and communication that I feel normal. Why do children suddenly get angry and ask for repeated apologies? 2. When children are very excited, how should they be comforted and helped?
The counselor gave Xiao Fang's mother the following advice:
1, the most important thing at this time is that parents can "follow" their children's emotions and let them feel accepted, understood and loved, just like when their children are wronged and come home, their mothers give them a warm hug. This is one of the most effective ways to help children resolve their emotions.
2. Language communication with children is also very important. Don't ask your child, "Why are you doing this?" "What the hell are you thinking? Why can't you tell mom? " You might as well tell your child more: "Mom understands how you feel." "Mom loves you." "In my mother's eyes, you have always been a good boy."
3, parents should be strong and stable, don't panic, don't be afraid, there is love and light. We should use our love and light to convey warmth to children and illuminate their way forward.
The second consultation: Xiao Fang's mood has stabilized, but the overall situation seems to be worse.
About three weeks later, a second consultation was held. Before the consultation, Xiao Fang's mother gave feedback to the counselor on the phone: After the last consultation, she followed the counselor's advice, and Xiao Fang's mood really stabilized. First, she is less angry and less angry. However, Xiao Fang's learning status seems to be worse. In the past, he was always late when he was sent back to school every Monday. In the last two weeks, he first asked his mother to take him home every night, and then sent him to school the next morning. Later, he simply couldn't learn. The way of learning at school doesn't suit him, so he can only take classes online at home.
Xiao Fang's mother said that she basically met the children's requirements. Now the child's mood is much better, but she is worried that Xiao Fang will never want to go to school again and may even drop out of school.
The counselor affirmed Xiao Fang's mother's practice. Xiao Fang looks more "willful", but it also means the change of his mother's attitude and unconditional acceptance, which makes him feel more secure, less depressed and more able to truly show and express himself. This is the process of children's emotional release, as well as the process of healing and internal exploration.
In the counseling room, when the counselor and Xiao Fang had one-on-one communication, Xiao Fang was finally willing to open his heart.
The psychological counselor first expressed his understanding of Xiao Fang's emotions and told him that many adolescent children have encountered the problems he is facing now, but as long as he is willing to solve them and face them bravely, with the help of his parents and psychological counselors, many problems can be solved, and he should have confidence in this.
At the same time, I emphasized to Xiaofang that the whole process of psychological counseling is strictly confidential. If he wants, he can talk openly with others about things that he is usually inconvenient and unwilling to talk about, without any worries.
Xiao Fang said, in fact, some words have been hidden in my heart for a long time, and I have long wanted to find someone who can trust and understand him and have a good talk.
The counselor asked Xiao Fang, "So, where shall we start? Let's start with how difficult it is for you to go to school every time, okay? Can you tell me: Is there anyone or anything at school that makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed? "
Xiao Fang said: One reason is that he was emotionally unstable for a period of time, which led to low learning efficiency and decreased grades. He felt that he could not hold his head in front of his classmates and was not confident. The main reason is that he hates the present class teacher. Before the summer vacation, he wanted to teach himself in the classroom for a while after class, so he asked his mother to tell the class teacher quietly to see if he could turn off the air conditioner for a while. If the class teacher agrees, he will be very grateful, and even intends to let his mother do something specially for the school as compensation; If you don't agree, he will understand and won't have a problem.
Who knows that the class teacher actually talked about this in class the next day, saying that some students asked the teacher to turn off the air conditioner at night for their own convenience. Do you know that the electricity fee in the class is paid by the class fee? This made Xiao Fang feel annoyed, humiliated and angry. From then on, the thought of going to school to meet the head teacher will make him very resistant and exclusive.
"In fact, I've always wanted to catch up on my studies, but some people and things at school make me particularly annoyed, so I often have the idea of escaping from school. I asked my mother to ask for leave from the teacher and take classes online at home, but I didn't tell my mother what the real reason was ... "
"Always ask mom to apologize? Can you talk about it? "
"Because my mother always didn't believe me, saying that I was slow to learn, coping and not serious, in fact, I just wanted to learn according to my own habits and rhythm. Many times, I just adjusted my status, or I have entered the online class. She opened the door for a while and then came to remind me and repeatedly disturbed me. So I broke out and asked her to apologize. If she didn't care so much and gave me more trust, I might do better. "
"Uh-huh, I believe what you said. There is another question I want to discuss with you: Apart from your thoughts, your negative emotions are related to your mother's distrust and over-control. Are there any other deeper reasons? "
"I didn't think about it, maybe ..." Xiao Fang was lost in thought.
"We are in no hurry to answer this question. If you think about it, we can wait until the next consultation. "
The third consultation: "Dad, do you know how much you hurt me if you scold me?"
Two weeks later, when Xiao Fang faced the counselor again, the first sentence said: "Teacher, I know where my emotions come from!" "
Xiao Fang said that in fact, many things that happened in the past have been pressing on his heart, which is very heavy and can't be put down. Before, he didn't want to think or talk, just like he didn't dare to touch his scar. Because these things are related to his closest relatives, even now he doesn't quite understand whether his parents are wrong or he is wrong.
But things are different now. He felt the change of his parents, and he also had more strength and courage. So one day last week, he finally got up the courage to say to his mother, "Mom, I want to talk to you!" " "
That night, mom and dad sat in front of Xiao Fang together. When Xiao Fang's father went to school, he was the famous "top student" in the local area. He was admitted to a national key university and became a corporate executive after graduation. He hoped Xiao Fang could become a "top student" like himself, but his son's performance disappointed him. He thinks that his son is not smart enough and doesn't work hard enough, so he often calls his son "garbage man", "fart essence" and "cowardice".
Xiao Fang asked his father, "Do you remember when I was in the second grade, once you took me to get a haircut and scolded me all the way?" When I got to the barber shop, you continued to scold me in front of others. I have self-esteem too. Do you know how much your words hurt me? "
"You are top student, but how are other students in your class? I am the "other classmate"! I don't want to be the master, and I don't want to be your copy, just like learning life in my own way. I hope you can understand me and respect me! "
As for my mother, Xiao Fang said, "You think you love me, care about me and help me, but in fact you don't trust me and interfere with me, so I am very resistant. Learning is my own business. I have my own plans and habits. If you let go so much, I will feel more comfortable and do better. "
Xiao Fang's mother later told the counselor that Xiao Fang's words shocked them very much that night. For the first time, she and Xiao Fang's father realized that many things they tried to do for their children in the past had completely different meanings and feelings for them. They sincerely apologize to Xiao Fang, ask him for forgiveness, and promise that they will continue to learn and grow up in the future and get along with him in a more suitable way.
Xiao Fang's mother said that that night, she shed tears because of regret. Xiao Fang went to her several times to comfort her: "Well, mom, it's all over, let's not mention it again." This makes her feel very warm and gratified-the child has really grown up.
The fourth consultation: "I have delayed too much time and must work hard!" " "
The last negotiation was completed in a relatively relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. Xiao Fang told the counselor that he was relieved by the in-depth conversation with his parents and the change of their attitudes. He felt that he also needed to take action. "Too much time has been delayed, you must work hard!"
After the last consultation, Xiao Fang asked his mother to send him back to school-he will live on campus as before. For the lessons he left behind before, he made a remedial plan himself. In addition to normal classes, he caught up with the normal progress as soon as possible by consulting his teachers and classmates and learning online classes.
Regarding the "holiday" with the head teacher, Xiao Fang said that it was actually a trivial matter. No matter who is right or wrong, there is no need to pay too much attention, but should focus on more important things.
The counselor asked Xiao Fang, "Do you feel that the problems that used to disturb your mood are still so serious and terrible now?"
"The problem is getting farther and farther away from me, and now there are only some' fuzzy' figures left. Everything is under my control. " Xiao Fang made a victory gesture.
Adler, an Austrian psychologist, famously said, "Happy people use their childhood to cure their whole lives, while unfortunate people use their whole lives to cure their childhood." This sentence has been verified again in Xiao Fang.
In the process of daily psychological consultation and reception, we often find that there are shortcomings in family education and parent-child relationship behind almost all adolescents' depression and anxiety, as well as psychological problems such as rebellion, weariness of learning, internet addiction, social fear and puppy love. This reminds parents not to deny, accuse, satirize or dig at their children at will in the process of educating them, otherwise it may cause serious psychological harm to their children and affect their future personality, studies, career and marriage.
For children's psychological development, it is very important for parents to be positive, strong and stable. This kind of mentality can be an important resource for children's normal life and study, and it can be a powerful support and even a cure when children have psychological problems.
Instead of always trying to explore children's psychological problems, it is better to create a warm and safe atmosphere for children to open their hearts. Even those children who seem to have serious problems have an upward seed in their hearts. As long as you give them enough love, respect, trust and appreciation, this seed will be awakened and become an independent, powerful and sustainable vitality and growth.
Xiao Fang's experience also reminds school teachers to be cautious in the process of educating children. The speaker has no intention, but the listener has intention. What you say casually is likely to become a thorn in the child's heart.
Special statement: according to the confidentiality principle of psychological counseling, the name of the visitor in this article is an alias, and some details have been dealt with accordingly. Readers, please don't take your seats accordingly.
@ Zhengzhou Psychological Counseling Center Zhengzhou Youth Psychological Counseling Case: Why does he want his mother to apologize repeatedly?